Series: The Science of Things
Title: Blue Willow
Rating: R
Author: Candy
Disclaimer: Not Mine Yet
Distribution: If you want
Summery: Part one in the Depression series. Willow's POV. Willow hates life..
Spoilers: Fall of 2000 I also rewrite history
Note: Very Sad and depressing. Deals with the complications and darker side of living.
Dedication: Wendy, and Angela!!
Feedback: I love you!!!
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The salty tears burn my face as they fall from my eyes.
I can't believe this.
I hate life.
It is really sucky!
The cold night air burns my throat.
I walk. I know where I'm going. I just don't wanna think of it.
I hate life.
It was better when I was little and when someone hurt me I'd run to Jesse or Xander's mom and cry.
I never could run to mine. They never where there.
Maybe they knew something no one else knew.
It was so simple then. Xander was the love of my life. No complications. No confrontations. No sexuality questions. The biggest problem than was what we were going to do about the broken window, and who really stole my doll.
Now I know it was Xander. I found it in his bag.
Never did give it back.
Then Xander and Jesse started noticing girls.
They forgot I was a girl.
I hung in there. I played nintendo til my fingers hurt. I did their home work.
That was all I was good for to them. I wasn't a girl, I was just good ol' Willow.
They were my only friends.
Then Buffy came and turned Sunnydale High into a Hell hole..... Literally.
It was scary. Watching my best friend go into dust.
She saved our lives. And made life a lot different for everyone.
We joined her and formed the Slayer Alliance aka Scooby Gang.
We risked out lives for those I couldn't have care less for.
Enter Cordelia. Tall, pretty, popular... everything I wasn't.
I honestly think that's why Xander loved her.
Now as I think back on it all me and Cordelia acted kinda dumb.
She had really grown as a person. Well from what I could tell of the phone.
Fast forward.
Enter Oz. The first *true* love of my life. The
one person who loved the geek in me.
And I lied to him.
My heart aches. Was this how he felt when he found out about me and Angelus? Did he cry like I am over *her*.
I didn't mean to fall in love with the devil but I couldn't help it.
Oz knew that. He forgave me. He said it was okay. He took me back and said he'd forgive and forget.
That's what made the pain hurt so much on my part when I kissed Xander.
He forgave me then.
I couldn't for give him for something his wolf did.
I lost him.
Spike was right, I couldn't keep him happy.
The one person that really loved me left me because I wasn't........ wasn't........ whatever.
He left me that's all there is to it.
Then my magic failed miserably after that. I almost killed my friends. Buffy almost married Spike. Buffy kissed Spike.
Poor Buffy.
It was all my fault. I fail as a wicca. I fail as a friend. I fail as a lover.
Tara left me for..... for... *her*!!! What could I Not give her that she can.
She left me for a vampire. Harmony on top of that!
I excepted that Tara was a demon. I even embraced it. She asked that I not tell anyone so I lied to my friends for the girl I loved.
But I was to much human for her.
I couldn't keep her happy.
Angel had came back to help us. The prophecy said that only a slayer and the souled one's work can save us.
I couldn't translate it fast enough to tell them how to send Darla back to hell.
We got Darla back into hell but not before Angel when Angelus. Angelus told Buffy about our time together.
Then Buffy had said all those things about me.
She never wanted to speak to me ever again.
I'm so pathetic.
Xander and Anya died because of me.
I'm not worth the air I breath.
I look at my watch. 2 and a half hours til sunrise.
I wander if it will hurt?
I one heard that you die of a heard attack before you hit the ground.
I walk in the Sunnydale high school with my head down.
I don't even wanna look at the walls that held so many memories.
If walls could talk the walls would say "Damn you for blowing me up." Then they would have stories of ghosts and demon's and slayers. They would also have stories of friends and beginnings as well as endings.
The tears come again. I stop and closed my eyes. I can't cry any more.
It shows weakness. What I'm about to do is going to take all the courage that I have left.
I can do this.
Can't I??
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