Hello again. I know it's been a while, but I've been very busy. I'm coming out of seclusion to bring you this timely causerie about Christmas, that feel good time of year.

Let me begin by saying that I am not a humbug. I love Christmas, but thanks to Harlan Ellison I have developed somewhat of a cynical, elitist bent which colors my perceptions from time to time. (You could also chalk it up to this weird weather my area has been having lately. It's unusually warm for this time of year (bringing the usual comments about endtime forbodings and global warming), but I actually kind of like it. I've heard people complaining that it's hard to get into the Christmas spirit because of it, to which I reply: "What do the people in California do at Christmas? It's warm there every year.") This, combined with what I have observed about people, especially when they congregate in large groups (read packs), is what I am yammering on about this time around. Scroll down or hit "home," on your browser--it's my way or the highway.

First of all, I worked at a cookie store in the mall and now work at a place called Big Lots. Some of you might know it as Odd Lots. Anyway, I have experienced firsthand the herd mentality, which is this: when people go out, especially with a common goal, i.e. picking up a Chia Pet for Aunt Gladys (and at the last minute I might add) they get very singleminded. They're like Clydesdales wearing blinders, they only see what they are after and don't pay any attention to what is around them. If they are after the same thing, this makes it even worse. A person will, for example, knock over an old lady with Osteoporosis to get his or her sweaty digits around the last Teletubby (the scariest things to come along since Barny. Where are the Power Rangers when you need them?). And it isn't just the adults. These dingleberries pass on their bad habits to their children. This is why I saw children who were way to young to be by themselves wandering far from their parents and ordering cookies but had no means to pay for them. This is why I have been bumped into, backed into, my feet stepped on by toddlers on up to age six while neither the child nor the parent says anything. Maybe I'm sounding old-fashioned here, but my parents never gave me and my little brother such free reign. Mine was the generation of Adam Walsh and Don't Talk to Strangers (and where is John Walsh now? He's catching on-the-run old ladies who poisoned their husbands for the social security and telling parents never to let their kids be around men, even teachers (I'm a Middle Grades Education major)). This is why I smile and inwardly rejoice when I see a mother stringing her child along on one of those toddler wrist leashes, or , heaven forbid, actually scolding one of the little darlings for something. This new generation has spared the rod and inevitably spoiled the child.

So what is it about Christmas? The fallacy of it all. It's not a Christian holiday, and never was even before crass commericalism entered the picture. The same people who gripe about Halloween go out the day after Thanksgiving and buy a tree (a tradition which came from seventeenth or eighteenth century England if I'm not mistaken) and presents and run themselves frazzled for the benefit of staying home on December 25th, which wasn't celebrated as Christmas until the fourth century A.D. (I'm just full of facts today, aren't I?) Yep, you guessed it, folks. Jesus wasn't born on December 25th, which we get from the Roman calendar anyway. The Jews no doubt had their own. No, he was born around September, and nothing in the Bible states that we should celebrate any such holiday. So, am I painting myself a hypocrite? I don't think so. I like Christmas. I like it because of the presents. Yeah, I'm just as materialistic as any of you goons, so lighten up. If you think about it for a sec, Christmas is actually placed at the perfect time of year to get new stuff. By this time all of your socks are worn and frayed, your underwear drawer needs a good strafing with napalm, and your kids' toys, which cost the Gross National Product of Guam, either broke (if they lasted this long) or your children are tired of them because something new just came out. As for me, I'm poor, broke, and too old for those nifty Lego robots that you can program or whatever incarnation of the Power Rangers is out this week (which I would have been all over had they come out when I was in sixth grade, when the Transformers and G.I. Joe were all the rage).

But people are the problem--and parenting. Guys, please, for the love of Saint Nick Please be aware of your surroundings. Don't push and shove, and don't let your kids do it either. And parents, the mall as babysitter thing just isn't working. While you're out shopping or at home taking a nap, your legacies are hanging out (not all, but some) in front of the mall entrances smoking and making the air miserable for those of us who like to breath, screaming at the tops of their teenage lungs with childish glee while riding the carousel, and generally being obnoxious and rude. Now, not all of you are like this, but please be aware. This is the holiday season, a time for sharing and caring, of trying to be just a little bit nicer to your fellow man--and woman.

So try not to get all caught up in the hustle and bustle. Take it easy, take it slow, and be nice. Oh, and have a merry Christmas.

The author wishes to restate that he in no way, shape or form hates Christmas or people in general and wants to add that if anyone reading this just had their eyebrow hairs singed off by reading this essay, you are the ones the author was specifically trying to reach. Thank you, and have a wonderful Christmas, and an exceptional new year.