Miscellaneous Jokes 

Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If...

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
He sets his phaser to "Cajun"
He hails other ships with "Greetings, ya'll!".
He thinks of Vulcans as "those really smart fellers".
He thinks the ships mission is to find Elvis.
He refers to all aliens as "them damn fencejumpers"
The rebel flag is painted under the NCC of the ship.
He tries to outsmart the transporter by hanging onto something real tight.
He refers to the Warp Engine as "That darn contraption 's' makes the ship go  Whoosh'!"
Your ship has a bumper sticker (I brake for Uranus)
When handed a phaser rifle he asks where the scope is at
You're a Cadet going through the academy and he's in the same class as you
You've never seen him without a baseball cap on.
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You know you're a Star Trek......
 

FAN: Debating someone who thinks classic ST is best.
MANIAC: Killing someone who thinks classic ST is best.

FAN: Wearing a ST uniform to a party.
MANIAC: Wearing a ST uniform to jury duty.

FAN: Asking a ST actor for an autograph.
MANIAC: Asking a ST actor for a baby.

FAN: Watching Brent Spiner (Data) on TV.
MANIAC: Watching Brent Spiner at night, in the bushes at his house.

FAN: Checking your friends coat at the door.
MANIAC: Asking to check your friends blood to see if they are a changeling.

FAN: Sensing a friend is a fellow Star Trek fan.
MANIAC: Attempting to telepathically contact a fellow Betazoid. (I mean fan)

FAN: Writing your first fan letter.
MANIAC: Writing your 100th fan letter.

FAN: Having a ST actor day HI to you.
MANIAC: Having a ST actor nervously say HI to you while calling the cops. (again)

FAN: Getting your favorite ST character handle in a chat room..
MANIAC: Insisting on being called "Captain Picard" all the time.

FAN: Making a  Star Trek web page.
MANIAC: Making tons of  Star Trek web pages.

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And just in case you still can't tell whether you are a Star Trek Fan.........

If any of these apply to you.....You might be a Trekkie.

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I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, a singular development of cat communications that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection for a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents; you would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance. And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.

O Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

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Microsoft saves the day (sorta) -Author unknown
 
 

[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the screen]

[Riker looks puzzled] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data truns to answer] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program some reason called 'Windows 95,' through the Borg command pathways. Once in their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard]"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data]" Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows 95' detects this, it creates a new version of itself, known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and will not be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard]"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geoshape' idea."

...15 minutes later...

[Data]"Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows 95' module in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi]"Sensors have detected an increase in Borg CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

[Data]"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

[Geordi] "Wait! Captain, I just detected that their CU capacity has fallen to 0%!"

[Picard]"Data, what do the sensors show?"

[Data]"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows 95' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up the remaining CPU capacity."

[Picard]Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their fuctionality."

...Two hours pass...

[Riker]"Geordi, What's their status?"

[Geordi]"As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage capacity demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have setup our closest subspace beacon to transmit more 'Windows 95' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun Pack'."

[Picard]"How much time will that buy us?"

[Data]"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Worf]"Captain, another vessel has entered this sector." [Picard] "Indentify."

[Data] "It appears to have marking very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

[Data] "The alien ship has opened its forward hatches and is releasing thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "On screen. Magnify."

[Riker] "Captain! Thse are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship! How can they survive the tortures of deep space??"

[Data] "I do not believe those are humans, sir. If you will look closely, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather brief cases, and wearing armani suits."

[The rest of the Bridge crew, horrified] "Lawyers!!"

[Geordi] "They can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the great awakening."

[Data] "True, but obviously some have survived"

[Riker] "They have the Borg ship surrounded and are covering it with all sorts of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernicular as 'Red tape'. It always proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard] "Viewer off. I can't stand to watch."

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The Diffrences Between at "Trekker" and A "Trekkie"

A Trekker wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because it's fun.
A Trekkie wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because s/he has
        heard that it is in style at the academy.

A Trekker has a Starfleet Academy window sticker on his car.
A Trekkie is cramming for the entrance exams.

A Trekker meets Marina Sirtis/Gates McFadden at a convention, tells
        her how pretty he thinks she is, that it is too bad she is
        married or he would ask her out.
A Trekkie meets Deanna Troi/Dr. Crusher at a convention, tells her how
        pretty he thinks she is, and asks her if she is still seeing Riker
        (Picard, some alien patient, et al).

A Trekker loves watching the show, nitpicking and discussing it with
        friends.
A Trekkie loves watching those documentaries filmed aboard the
        Enterprise.

A Trekker thinks Wil Wheaton was a lucky kid who got to play a kid on
        Star Trek.
A Trekkie thinks that Wesley Crusher was a lucky kid who got to sit on
       the bridge.

A Trekker thinks that it is a shame that the show is coming to an end.
A Trekkie thinks that it is a shame that the crew is being reassigned
        and the Enterprise is being decomissioned.

A Trekker knows that there are gaping holes in the technology, but
        ignores them and enjoys the show.
A Trekkie can't wait for the price to come down on those home food
        replicator units.

A Trekker buys pips for the rank s/he wants to be.
A Trekkie wonders why he is constantly passed over for promotion.

A Trekker tells his/her new girl/boyfriend that s/he really likes Star Trek.
A Trekkie's new girl/boyfriend is an underclassman at the academy.

A Trekker wonders what sex in zero g would be like.
A Trekkie wonders what sex would be like.

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TO be or not to be

Borg:    "I am Hamlet of Borg, to be, or not to be assimilated..."

Worf:    "To be, or not to be, there is no question, I have disgraced my
             family and now I must die!"

Troi:    "To be, or not to be?... I sense doubt."

Kirk:    "To be, or not to be..." (with really elaborate
             hand gestures and poorly-done melodramatic overacting)

Picard:  "To be, or not to be..." (same as above, but done with competant
             acting. Also add a "make it so" at the end of the speech)

Beverly: "To be, or not to be a tease to Jean-Luc."

Wesley:  "To be, or not to be a pathetic wuss."

Barclay:  "To be, or not to be? Oh, I can't decide--it's time to run
                program nine on the Holodeck!"

Data:    "To be, or not to be--I fail to see the importance of this vague
             query, sir."

Q:       "To be, or not to be--well, I know you limited humans could never
           hope to be as glorious as I!"

Geordi:  "To be, or not to be modulated, that is the question. 'Tis it
             nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of the tachyon flux-emmision
             or to compensate for the delta-trialic waves... aye but there's the
             rub, whether or not our forward sensor array can detect such
             particles..."

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Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
 
     Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system.
                  But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.
     Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.
    Worf:  I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
     HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even
                       know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been
                       nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had
                       remembered to turn me off!
     Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong
                         with the universe.
     Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have
                      been edited out.)
     Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
     Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.
     Quark: "For the right price, it could be 'arranged' for a suitable piece of
                    poultry to 'cross' over to your side of the road....."
     Morn:
     Vorik:  "What's a chicken?"
      Worf:  Today is a GOOD day to fry!
      Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...
      Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...
                my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!
      Gowron:  We can bring the Second, Third anf Fifth Fleets together HERE,
                   on the median strip, and victory over that p'tahk chicken will be ours!!
      Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!
      Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.
      Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!
      Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century
                 Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to
                 traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled
                 personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated
                 fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the
                 usage of...yes, sir.
      Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual
                       prowess and came to get some pointers.
      The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.
      Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!
      B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and
                    just couldn't stand it any  longer!
      Paris:   Does there always have to be an answer for everything, Tuvok?
      Picard: There are four lights!
      Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to
            comprehend the answer.
      Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
      Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?
      Chekov: I vonder if the chicken knows that roads vere a Russian inwention?
      Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...
      Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.
      Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.
      Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible
                                  misunderstanding.
      Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably
                        misses its dog.
      Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!
      Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
      Spock: Fascinating, Captain.
      V'Ger: To join with the Creator.
      The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it
                                         quietly, without anyone noticing!
      Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of
                          arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.
      Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time!
              They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!
      O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.
      Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp
                  field and run a complete  internal whootchacallit on the computers and...
 
     Pestley Crusher:  Once I become simply too annoying to fit into any one universe, then
                                      I can go Travelling with chickens across the roads of the cosmos too!
     Guardian of Forever:  Through me, you can see all the chickens of history
                                             crossing all the roads that have ever been.
      Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?
      Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!
      Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.
      Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!
      Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.
      Mr. Homn:
      Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't
             have had a clue, and then there's...
      Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior
                 officers nervous.
     Seska:  Of course the chicken wouldn't have had to risk crossing the road if these stupid
                    simplistic Starfleet regulations didn't prevent us from sharing our technology with it!
      Weyoun:  Well, I"m not sure why it wanted to cross, but rest assured the Dominion will be
                     there to welcome him with open arms...
      Ezri Dax:  I don't even like chickens... or was that Jadzia... maybe Kurzon.. ohh....
                        I don't know!
      The Prophets:  The Chicken is not of this side of the road
      Seven:  It was trying to escape the borg.  It was inefficiant and was assimilated.
      Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.
      Garak:  The question, dear doctor, is not why the chicken crossed the road, but why someone
                     would be interested in knowing why.
     The Traveler:  Wesley, with my guidance you will transcend time and space and find the
                                  answers you seek.
     Breen:  (BURP!)
      Female Changeling:  The motives of the solids are of no concern.
      Kai Winn:  Ours is not to question the motives of the Prophets, my child.

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How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Aproximately One Point Zero Zero Zero Zero .......

How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ?
The filthy Cardassians tok our light bulb !

How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon Warrior is not
afraid of the dark !

How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Both of them.

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ?
Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb ?
I sense it has already changed.

How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb ?
We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.

How many FEDERATION SHUTTLE PILOTS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Ooooops ! I dropped it !

How many Q's does it take to change a light bulb ?
Here, now, Wouldn't you rather have this Super-Nova ?

How many ODO's does it take to change a light bulb ?
I will change IN TO the light bulb.

How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ?
1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......

How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting
customer.

How many Betazoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to do it and the other to moan "darkness, I sense darkness!"

How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
2, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.

How many Betazoids does it take to change a light bulb?
No, no. no. The light bulb has to _want_ to change first.

How many first officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally one, but if that is Riker it then it takes 2, Riker to pose
while the other changes the light bulb.

How many Fenengi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and another to sell tickets to watch.

How many DOCTOR McCOYS does it take to change a lightbulb?
"G-dd-mit, Jim; I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"

How many Trekkers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Okay, so ,y'know, like, in that episode wher Spock gets attacked by those
vomit looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, he
takes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that
they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy used
the wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind ,so, like......what kind
of light bulb are you talking about ??
 

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