DISCLAIMER!
The following tribute may disturb you.
(1977)
The trilogy starts with Darth Vader's Bad Ass Star Destroy pounding the living shit out of Princess Leia Organa's (Orgasma?) Corillian Corvette. (the 96 or the 97?)
The antics ensue when Leia puts the plans for the Death Star in The memory banks of R2D2 (hope he's not running Windows 95!). R2D2 and C3PO hitch a ride on an escape pod to Tantoonie (Well known for its searing wastelands, seedy bars, and oddly enough the home of many a good pilot).
The robotic duo get picked up by Jawas who sell them to Luke Skywalker's family. They go through some bullshit and end up in the desert. In the desert Luke get the shit beat out of him. (at least I imagine,Lucas wouldn't let us see the Sand people beat the snot out of him). Luke gets saved by OB1 Kenobi (Patron saint of the obscure refrence).
They then go to Mos Eisly Spaceport (or something like that). After Luke finds out the Storm troopers Raped, Killed, Skinned, and burnt his foster parents (One skeleton is spread-eagle so we can asume that it was Aunt peru who was raped, Or mabey the Empire accept gays in the military). At Mos Whatever Spaceport they find a smuggler Han Solo who agrees to take them to Alderan (home of excelent Basketball courts, see Hard Wars).
However Storm troopers have decided to stop the group from escaping.
(It seems that their armor is only good for blowing up ehh?)
While the group is headind for alderan Princess Leia is being tourtured by Darth Vader.
(I wonder if she comes with a stick of bubble gum?)
When tourture fails to get the location of the Rebel Base Admiral Tuck,Tock,whatever blackmails Leia to tell him where the base is or he will destroy Alderan. Leia fesses up and ,like all good villans, Admiral tucas blows Alderan in a spectacular fireball. When Han,Chewie,Luke,R2D2,C3PO,and Ben get to Alderan they find out that Alderan has suffered a critical program error. (In laymans term it wen't poof!). They get tractored into the Death Star (I wonder if John Deer is still in buisness) and hide. After an oh so carfull check (Walk around the ship for a minute.) The group break into a security room and take refuge.
After they find out how to disable the tractor beam OB1 leaves to turn it off. After OB1 leave R2D2 says Leia is on the Death Star and is to be terminated. Luke,Han and Chewie decide to break in the detention cell and rescue her. The trio break her put only yo be cut of by Stormtroopers. Leia (who suddenly becomes butch) blasts a grate and they all jump in only to find them selves in a garbage chute.
"What an incredible smell you discovered" (Han says this after Luke looked into his PJ's only to find out he made a boom boom)
After they get nearly crushed they escape and start to get back to the Falcon. They get split up and barely make it back to find out Darth Vader and OB1 are in a battle royale.
(The next Barry White)
That pussy OB1 gives up and Vader decapitates him (WOW! in the future cadavers are self-cleaning). They all make it into the Falcon and get the hell out of there.
When they get to Yavin they upload the plans and get ready to take on the Death Star. Luke (who suddenly knows how to fly an X-wing fighter, but then again that hick from "Independance day" quickly leaned to fly a multi-million dollar F-16 in five minutes. And No! just because he flew Fantom's in Vietnam dosn't mean he can suddenly master a current fly-by-wire jet!). Luke and his squad go and blow up the death star.
(Poor Biggs, Mabey he would still be alive if he wasn't looking for that elusive wick. "Wick...wick....BOOM")
In the end they have a ceremony to honor the hero's. (I wonder why Chewie didn't get a medal, not one in his size? Or mabey it was because he would think there was chocolate in the middle?)
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!
comming soon.