Title - Something Far More Great
Author - Lauren Newby; Poem by Melissa Persia
E-Mail address - trustno1@home.com
Rating - PG
Category - S,R,A, MSR
Spoilers - Post Memento Mori & everything before it's fair game
Keywords -Mulder/Scully romance

Summary -A continuation of the last scene in Memento Mori, our dynamic duo decides it's time to talk . . .
Archive- TO GOSSAMER PLEASE! ANYWHERE ELSE PLEASE ASK! (I almost never say no)

Disclaimer- They're not mine. Seriously. Last time I checked they weren't. Talk to CC&1013.
Authors Notes- Well, This is almost 6 months old, and I wrote it for Melissa based on her poem. I know, I should be working on Folish Games II, but I'm a little stuck, so forgive me. Enjoy, send feedback, all that kinda good stuff. Thanks to Anu, Carol, Kristen, & esp. Melissa for all your help & encouragement! You guys rule!

~X~X~X~X~X~X~

"Following His Precious Word"
By Melissa Persia

Facing death's dark door
I stand, waiting for my dark demise
Clad in black he stands before me
Fire gleaming in his eyes.
As I walk I feel the fear,
Terror of my eternal fate
Until I see him change before me
Into something far more great
Clad in white he walks toward me
Traveling at a constant speed
We walk together towards the light,
As his precious word I heed.

~X~X~X~

Something Far More Great
By Lauren Newby

Dana walked down the hall, the tears that had stung her eyes finally flowing freely, falling to her white robe from her red face. She did not turn back to see him, she wouldn't let him see her cry. Dana walked back to her room and began to gather her things to check out, Mulder's words ringing through her head. "The truth will save you . . . " Well, she wondered, where was the truth and how many lies would they have to uncover to get to it?

Down the hall, Mulder examined the vial of Dana's ovum. How could he tell her of what he‘d seen? When would he gather the courage to look her in the eyes and tell her instead of staring at that spot right in the middle of her forehead? He didn't know. He just knew that he couldn't give up on her, if it meant the rest of his life was devoted to her, so be it. He'd made the oath before for his dear sister, and now it seemed that he had to change the focus of his myopic life for the better. He slipped the vial back in his pocket and walked down the corridor and out of the hospital.

Dana picked up her "diary." Now, as she reread the pages, it seemed more like one long love letter. Maybe she had meant it that way, maybe she didn't, it was confusing. She shoved the small book back into her bag and zipped it up. Clad in jeans and a long sweater she took one last look at her room and left the hospital, only pausing to send up a prayer for Penny as she passed her room. Would there be someone standing before her empty room in weeks, months, or years from now when she lost the battle and her internal enemy won? She left without turning back.

~X~X~X~

Mulder sat in his car across the street from Dana's apartment, tears staining his pale face. He felt responsible for all of it. From Samantha's disappearance, he had always bore the brunt of the blame. His mother was depressed, his father an alcoholic, and he carried the guilt because no one ever told him it wasn't his fault. And he had done it throughout his life, especially for those he loved. Now, everything that affected Dana affected him. It had been that way for a long time, but now it had come to such a maddening, overwhelming, jumble of un shareable feelings that something had to be done. Mulder knew that no matter what he felt now, it was multiplied immeasurably in Dana's mind, and in his own mind he knew he had to help her. He dragged her into this immeasurable hell, he would rescue her from it.

He could still remember the day when she walked into his office, as calm as ever, and telling him of the cancer and MUFON women she'd met. Every word, every syllable out of her mouth that day incited a feeling of dread in him, almost a premonition of things to come, but he wouldn't show her, wouldn't let her know how afraid he was. He thought that if he didn't believe, that she wouldn't either. He tried not to care, to ignore it, and soon, he was able to convince himself it was a bad dream and nothing more. That was, until his bad dream became a nightmare and swallowed them both. He couldn't ignore it any longer, not just the nightmare, but the feeling he got when he saw her, or the searing pain he felt when she was hurt, or his unbelievable need to wrap his arms around her and protect her from everything and anything. He wanted her for himself, he wanted her to love and protect, he knew he couldn't have her, but he wanted her. Mulder turned to stare at the light in her window.

Dana fell to her couch after losing the meager contents of her stomach into the toilet. She couldn't wait to be free of chemotherapy, it left her feeling sicker then when she had gone into the hospital. She wrapped her blanket around her and repositioned her head against the arm of the chair, closing her eyes and willing sleep. She could still see Mulder standing before her in black, his mysterious self, transmitting so many encoded things through his words and actions. It felt so good to be in his arms then, to be held by him, and she was able to believe that he loved her and it would be all right, just for those few seconds in time.

Yes, she loved him. It was that kind of love she'd had when she was in high school, when she fell in love with Ed, the boy whose locker was right next to hers. They'd been friends for as long as she could remember, and had a lot of classes together, but as much as she wanted to, she couldn't ask him out, she could never get the nerve, and she never wanted to ruin the friendship. So Dana and Ed were just friends, but every time she saw him even flirt with another girl it killed her inside. Eventually she got over him, but now she felt the same way with Mulder, but stronger. She hadn't truly known until after Leonard Betts attacked her. Dana sat in that car while Mulder asked her if she was all right, and she said she was, but she wasn't. She knew right there and then that he was the only person who could take that hurt away, she wanted him to hold her, to touch her, in the way that only he could.

Jerse was a test on herself. She wanted to know if a man would find her attractive enough to sleep with her, she wanted to be wild and new and different and not the Ice Queen for once. And she needed to be loved, to be touched after hearing Betts' words, but she couldn't go through with it, because she always saw Mulder's face instead of Ed's, wished it were Mulder's hands and words, and she couldn't be touched by someone else when all she dreamed of was Mulder, it would have been a sin to pretend to love this man to drown her own sorrows. So, she came back and had no idea what to tell Mulder, he tried, he really did, but he was clueless. All she wanted was for him to understand, he didn't have to love her, he just had to understand. She could feel the tears well up in her eyes as a familiar song played on the television.

[God I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?]

~X~X~X~

Mulder sat in his car, staring at Dana's window. It was now or never, he had to make things right between them. Ever since IT came he could feel her withdrawing, minute by minute, and he couldn't let it go on. He would be there for her, he had to be, he wouldn't allow himself not to. He couldn't fight his feelings now, with no promise of time, even if she didn't feel the same way, he had to tell her.

He got out of his car and strode across the street, up to her building, and with one last deep breath, he went in and began to ascend the stairs to her apartment. As he stood in front of her door he gathered his courage, a million scenes running through his mind. He lifted his fist and knocked.

"Who is it?" Came Dana's raspy reply to the knock as she got up to get it.

"Scully? It's me." She opened the door, revealing him, and leaving him no chance to run. "I hope it isn't too late, I saw your light on and . . . "

"Don't lie Mulder. I know you've been sitting out there all night. What do you want to talk about?" She said, her voice still raspy as she sat back on her couch, throwing the blanket back over herself.

"Well, I," He closed the door and moved to sit next to her. "I thought that maybe you would want to talk?" He rested his elbows on his thighs, looking at the television that sat across from them, the sound barely audible.

"Not really." She sounded detached to Mulder's ears, her words came without meaning. "I'm fine."

"Now I know something's wrong. Scully, I want you to know I'm here for you, if you ever want to talk, as a friend, or a co-worker, or whatever you want me to be. I didn't talk about Samantha for a long time, and look where it got me." Mulder shifted his gaze to her face as he continued. "A lot's happened lately, and you know I can't trust many people, and I have the feeling that you've lost some of your faith in people, too. So . . . so we have to be more honest with each other." He searched her pale face which looked haunted from the darkly contrasting rings under her eyes, and wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all. "Do you know what I'm saying?" Mulder searched for a sign of light in her eyes, anything to tell him she knew what he was trying to say.

Her eyes began to widen as her brain began to put the scattered pieces together using some of her stored MulderLogic. Just as he opened her mouth to reply to his confession of sorts, she felt the tremors in her stomach. Dana stood, untangling herself from the quilt, almost tripping.

"Scully? Is something wrong?" Mulder got up and tried to assist her, but she shied away from his efforts.

Dana got untangled from the quilt and tripped into a dash for the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Mulder went to the door, concern crossing his already worried face. "Scully? Scu- ugh! Dana! Dana, what's wrong?" He stood, feeling more helpless every moment. He raised his hand to knock, but didn't. Instead he scratched his face and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, not knowing what to do. Needing to do something with his hands, he pulled off his leather jacket and threw it back to the living room, aiming for a chair, but not caring where it landed. Turning back to the door, he nervously rubbed his hands together as he called to her. "Dana? Do want me to do anything? Are you-"

"I'm fine Mulder." She said as she opened the door, leaning on the bathroom counter.

"Sure, and Cancer Man's the next recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, I believe you." He looked at her with his playful sarcasm, trying to draw her out of the bone deep tiredness and sadness she seemed to exude from her pores.

"It's just the chemo, it'll ware off in a few days," she replied, a smile gracing her taxed features, lightening her mood, as did Mulder's answering smile. He could almost always make her feel better. She began to make her way out of the bathroom, but her limbs didn't want to comply, her legs giving out from under her.

"Woah, watch it."Mulder said as his arms magically appeared to catch her before she fell to the ground. "You should take it easy for a while." He said with a hint of sadness as his lifted her into his arms and tenderly carried her into the living room. Gently he laid her on the couch, covering her with the quilt that had been haphazardly thrown to the ground.

"I guess I should slow down a bit..." Dana looked close to tears, her body's rebellion a disaster to her control.

"Hey," His hand seemed to stroke her cheek of its own accord, his kneeling position by the couch perfect to look deep into her eyes as he spoke. "You are still the same person you always were, and nothing has changed between us. You need to know that, no matter what, you will always be the smart, strong, loving person that you are. I don't care about the cancer or the chips or the abductions, you are still the same person I have always known. I don't doubt your abilities, but I need you, and I need you to get better."

"I know, I know..." She looked away, trying not to shed tears. "I just..." She looked away, not wanting to discuss the subject.

"Tell me." He said as she gently turned her head toward him.

"I...I just.... I feel so violated, Mulder! I can't even trust my own memories! Something happened to me that might have caused this, that caused those women to know me, and I don't know what to do about it! Mulder, I mean, if you listened to me, and this is one time I'm glad you didn't, we would have gone along with Dr. Scandlon. Mulder, he killed those women, and I was almost one of them!" She was letting the tears slip down, her voice wavering, but confident in her words. " I feel like I've lost control! I don't know how to fight this Mulder! I can't fight my own body! I Just... It's so complicated, everything is spinning out of control around me and I don't know how to stop it." Mulder heard a hint of defeat in her voice the farther she got into her confession.

"Dana, Dana, Dana." He said in a breath as he took her into his arms, drawing circles on her back, trying to calm her. "I'll always be here for you. We'll get through this. We will."

His whispered promise of a future was not lost on either of them. As he held her, Mulder felt a freedom, as if he had finally said what he wanted, broken through that line, and he no longer had to watch himself.

Dana could see it in his eyes, it was almost a rebirth. There was a new lightness, like the wall that had surrounded his heart had crumbled with that small promise. She moved her hand over to grasp his and laced their fingers together.

"I know you'll always be here Mulder. I do. But, you have to start talking to me Mulder. No more secrets. No more campaigns of misinformation. We have to be honest with each other."

His eyes brightened at her little inside joke. "No more campaigns of misinformation. You do realize that means that you just can't say ‘I'm fine' anymore I won't accept that as an answer." He began to grin a rare MulderGrin where it even spread to his eyes.

"No more ‘I'm fines,' I promise." Dana smiled and then looked at their clasped hands, using her other hand to push her hair behind her ear. When she looked at Mulder again, her face was serious. His grin slowly faded as he waited for her words. Dana took a deep breath. "It won't be easy, Mulder. We have to face the facts sometimes. And just like you don't want me to be strong all the time, I don't expect you to be, either. There might be days when all I want to do is cry, and you'll feel the same way, and when that happens, we'll cry together. You can't keep what you're feeling from me if we're gonna do this together. You can't. And I can't keep trying to guess what's going on in that head of yours. I can't. I know you understand what's going on inside my head, you're the only one who does. I can't keep it inside anymore. I can't. I need you to be here with me, to be here for me. Can you understand that?" Tears threatened to pore from Dana's eyes.

"I will always be here for you, Dana. And I will try my best to be more open, but, I've never been that way before. I've always......it's just that.....If I start to be an ass you've got to tell me. Sometimes, I just don't know any better. No one's ever been as interested in me as a person as you have, Dana. You gotta.."

"Shh." Dana put her finger to his lips, silencing him. "Not now. Not now. Just......I want you to hold me. Just hold me. " Her voice was a strangled whisper, begging for his compliance.

Mulder looked at her and stood, sliding next to her on the couch. She crawled into his lap as he wrapped his arms around her, one around her waist, the other stroked her face and hair. He wanted to hold her forever.

In his arms she felt protected, with his words she felt loved. She knew that, in time, he would break his promise and run off, claiming he was trying to protect her. For now, though, she was content to know that he cared about her on some level that was separate from work.

They would have to keep working to find the cure. This thing that there was between them couldn't interfere, she never wanted to be away from Mulder again, but they had to work. No one could know about this just yet, not even her mother, just for now. But all that wasn't important now. Dana sighed. All she wanted to do was be held by his strong arms.

Mulder looked down to see Dana asleep, her breathing shallow, her mouth slightly open. To him she was an angel. He knew it would take a lot of work to let her love him, he wasn't the biggest person on sharing emotions, but there was no one he would rather share his with. He would worry about that later, though. Now he was here for her.

Mulder pulled up her blanket, letting it cover her and half of him. He settled her in his arms and closed his eyes, content in knowing that he would not have to deal with his nightmares tonight.

~X~