WAYS TO SHUT UP A NON-TREK FRIEND WITHOUT KILLING THEM:
10. Tell her/him "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
9. Tell her/him she/he's in violation of the Prime Directive and she/he is interfering with a lesser developed civilization.
8. Have an Android made of her/him then, when she/he starts speaking, tell her/him to "Shut Up!" (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode)
7. Wave Phaser in her/him face and tell her/him you will stun he/him with it.
6. Use transporter to split her/him into two seperate personalities. Vaporize Evil friend and keep Good friend. (See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
5. Tell her/him your watching the episode where Picard gets naked.
4. Ask if she/he wants to see the Picard Maneuver.
3. Try, "Computer - End Program".
2. Assimilate her/him.
1. Use the "Vulcan Neck Pinch".
ADVERTISEMENTS IF STARFLEET HAS SPONSORS:
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly".
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation".
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have a network logo in the corner.
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System.
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator.
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section.
4) Turbolifts would say "OTIS ELEVATOR" and have signs that state "Use Jeffrey tubes in case of Red Alert".
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign.
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T".
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.
SIGNS THE ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF IT'S WARRANTY:
22) Ship lurches forward and "diesels out" at full stop.
21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20) Digital speedometer on helm console will not read above "85".
19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by service manual.
17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15) Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in Ten Forward.
13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except PBS.
12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10) Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9) Ship cannot enter warp while replicator is making macaroni and cheese.
8) Replicator in Ten Forward will only serve light beer.
7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5) Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it."
3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to women's volleyball program.
2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1) Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
You and other crew members have laughed their pips off at this silliness.
You may proceed to the next station below.
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