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Come My Love I'll Tell You a Tale
Summary: A Princess Bride Crossover. Mulder/Scully romance obviously.
Rating: well I can't think of any reason why it's not G.
Disclaimer: The X-files and all the associated characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 productions. The Princess Bride and everything associated with that belong to William Goldman and probably some other people as well. The title comes from the theme song from Princess Bride which I think was written by Mark Knopfler. No copyright infringement was intended.
Apologies to all those who don't like Shippy fanfic - I don't really mean to
imply that you would be swayed by something like this :)
I'd love any feedback - grace@sans.vuw.ac.nz
**********
Come My Love I'll Tell You a Tale
by Grace Millar
*********
A poor Phile was sick in bed and couldn't reach her computer for fanfic.
Luckily, she had a friend who lived near by who came round bringing some fanfic with him. Problem was that the sick one didn't like any romance, if Mulder and Scully so much as looked at each other then she deleted the rest, but the person bringing round the fic was a shipper through and through and rarely read anything which had anything which resembled a plot.
"Ok here's one - I got it from a friend of mine when I was sick, it's got a
plot, well sort of."
"It's not MSR is it? Don't try and pull any romance I hate MSR, does it have
an X-file and action?"
"Well it has sword fights, conspiracy and torture. Oh and the Gunmen, Skinner and Albert."
"You're hiding something aren't you? Well if it's the best you've got."
******
Once there were two workers who worked on a farm. His name was Fox Mulder,
although she never called him that, she called him Mulder, and her name was Dana Scully although he never called her that, he called her Scully. They spent much of their time together, and said a lot of things to each other, but I love you was never one of them. But I trust you was. One day they realised that when they said I trust you they really meant I love you and that Mulder and Scully were just another way of saying my love.
******
"I don't believe it you said this wasn't a shipper fanfic, I hate shipper
fanfic. Not only that, it sounds like a shippy angsty fanfic - I mean the
only thing worse than a shippy angsty fanfic is a shippy humour fanfic. When does it get good, where are the Gunmen?"
"They're coming, I promise, just wait."
******
However Mulder didn't want to get married, you see a long time ago when he was just a boy his sister was taken, and he felt that he couldn't do anything else until he found her. They were also very poor and didn't have enough money to start a life together. So Mulder set out to find Samantha, and Scully to get a fortune. Mulder couldn't find Samantha, and though he would never stop searching he decided that it would be much more fun to search with Scully. He came back to the farm, but he learned that Scully had disappeared and he didn't know where she was.
******
"Disappearing is good, was it Cancerman? - It better be Cancerman."
"Shut up and let me read."
******
Mulder was devastated, he didn't eat and he didn't sleep. He said "I shall
never love again." However, the law of the land gave the prince the right to
marry who he chose. He proclaimed that he wanted to marry Mulder (As their
society was a lot less uptight than ours). However, Mulder didn't love him
and the only things he enjoyed doing were watching his video collection and
thinking of Scully.
One day when he was watching his video collection someone knocked on the door. Mulder asked, "Who is it?" There were three men on the other side of the door and the shortest one replied "We are just three Jehovah's witnesses wondering if you knew anyone who we could talk to nearby?" Mulder said "I know no-one." The short one laughed, "Then no-one will care if you scream." They broke down Mulder's door and took him to their ship.
Mulder looked at them, "You won't get away with this, the prince will catch
you." The short gnomish one laughed, "inconceivable." The other two got back
to sailing the ship. Night fell, the one with really bad hair, looked over
his shoulder, "Are you sure no-one is following us?"
"That would be inconceivable, no-one would care enough about this..." at this point he looked Mulder up and down "...thing to care, now if it was Scully it might be another matter. Out of interest why do you ask?"
"Well because there is a boat which is behind us, and looks like it is heading our way."
"It's probably just some hacker trying to get a life, alone, in a boat."
They sailed all night and as the sun rose, they approached the Cliffs of
Insanity.
"He's almost caught us."
"Well it doesn't matter, he'll have to find another way round, only Langly can figure out how to operate this cable car, so he'll have to go the long way round."
They all went up the cable car, and for the first time in a while Mulder spoke, "Do any of you smoke Morleys cigarettes?" Frohicke held up a pipe, Byers a box of Pall Malls, and Langly a joint.
"Why do you ask?"
"A man who smokes Morley cigarettes kidnapped my sister. I have vowed to find her. When I do I am going to say 'Hello. My name is Fox Mulder. You kidnapped my sister. Prepare to die'."
"I am sorry, we cannot help you there."
Langly looked out the cable car window, "The man in black is operating the
other cable car."
"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word, look it up in the dictionary will you, it doesn't
mean what you think it means."
They reached the top, the gnomish one panicked and started shouting orders.
"Byers you come with me and Mulder, Langly you stay here, and shoot him."
The man in black reached the top, gun first. This disappointed Langly, who had been planning to shoot the MiB at the first opportunity.
"Well, it looks like we'll have to have a duel."
The MiB just looked at Langly.
"They duelled in the old days to protect honour, we walk ten steps away and
then both shoot to kill."
"Sure, fine, whatever."
So they started back to back, they both started to walk ten steps away, but when Langley was up to only four the MiB (who hadn't been playing fair) lunged at Langly who fell to the ground.
"I am sorry, I don't want to kill you, but I can't have you following me." And the MiB knocked him out.
The MiB ran on, following the way Byers and Frohicke had gone.
"He's following us."
"Well then finish him off your way."
"What's my way?"
"Trip him up and then strangle him with the tape from a digital tape."
"That's not very sportsmanlike."
Frohicke just sighed and ran off with Mulder. As the MiB approached, Byers
decided that he didn't like his way much, and just waited in the MiB's way.
"You have to stop."
"I can't, sorry."
The MiB charged Byers who neatly ducked out of the way. They then fought long and hard, that being the tradition in such tales, but Byers was no match for the MiB and in the end (because, as you remember, MiB don't like to be followed) he was knocked out as well.
At this time Krycek, for this was the Prince's name, was tracking the MiB,
Mulder and Frohicke, and had managed to deduce the way they were going. "We must follow them," he said to his right hand man, who was using his right
hand to smoke a Morley's cigarette.
The MiB found Frohicke with a knife to Mulder's throat, "Step any closer and
he dies."
"Why are you doing this?"
"I was paid, and I want the beautiful Ms Scully, and I figured wherever he goes, she goes. However now we are at an impasse. There would be no reasonable competition between us as I have nothing like your natural physical assets and you are no match for my intellectual ability."
"I'll take the risk."
"You are prepared to go for a battle of wits with me to the death? I accept."
"This is Iocaine powder, a deadly odourless poison. One of these glasses has
a picture of Mulder, one of Scully - I'll put the Iocaine powder in one of
them and you can chose which to drink from."
"Hmmmm, Mulder is searching for the truth and the only truth is death so I
clearly can't chose his glass, but Scully is probably dying of Cancer so I
clearly can't chose her glass. However, Mulder believes in aliens and alien
invasion means certain death so I clearly can't chose his glass. Whereas
Scully believes in God, and an afterlife, so relying on the afterlife death
might not be so bad, so I clearly can't choose her glass. Mulder spends
quite a lot of time in hospital and there is death around hospital so I
clearly can't chose his glass."
"You're bluffing."
"I'm not, I've almost got everything I need, I know exactly who it was - Oh my God is that the truth I see?"
"Where?" The MiB turned round, whilst Frohicke swapped the plastic labels.
"Never mind, you drink Mulder, I'll drink Scully."
They both drank, the MiB looked at Frohicke "You lost."
"Hahahahaha you only think I lost - you just disobeyed the second most fundamental law - the first is never piss off the most intelligent group of
fans to gather round a television set - but the second and only slightly less known is never fight with a computer geek when death is on the cards - hahahaha -" BONK and then as in all the joke books he fell over, dead.
Mulder grinned "So I was death after all."
"No, you can't separate Mulder and Scully. I've spent the last few years
becoming immune to iocaine powder."
They ran along the ridge, dramatically back lit the way people running across ridges are, until both were slightly out of breath.
"Who are you?"
"I am what I look like."
"A Man in Black? You're still out to get me, well the prince will find me,
Krycek can track a good body anywhere."
"It'll be too late, we are going to the fire swamp."
"Well then, you can go alone."
With this Mulder pushed the MiB down the ridge where the mask began to fall
off and you could see some red hair come through. "Scully!" Mulder yelled and jumped down after it. You see the Man in Black was actually a woman, even though her hair was a little too red, to be precise it was Dana Scully.
When they had tumbled all the way to the bottom Mulder ran over to Scully, "Are you okay, what happened to you?"
Scully opened her eyes and grinned "I also spent the last few years practising voice imitating." Then Mulder leaned forward and....
******
"Wait a minute - I'm listening, okay, but absolutely no Mulder and Scully
kissing. It's not my kind of thing. Just skip to the fire swamp that sounded like a plot."
"Okay, okay, I suppose since you're sick I'll skip the good bits."
******
So Mulder and Scully ran into the fire swamp. Meanwhile Krycek looked down
from the top of the ridge, "They'll never survive - surround the swamp and catch them when they come out.." And if those statements sound contradictory,
well, we can't expect baddies to be logical as well as looking better than
average.
"Scully, are you sure we can do this? I mean, no-one has ever survived the fire swamp before."
"How hard can it be - we'll be the first."
So they walked through the fire swamp hacking at vines and making a path.
"So where have you been all this time?"
"Oh around, in traincars and things - I came as soon as I could."
"I didn't want to marry Krycek it's just the whole law of the land thing."
"S'okay, I figured he wasn't your type."
And with such small talk they occupied themselves whilst walking along, until they heard a strange popping noise and Mulder's clothes started to burn. Together they put it out, because remember, together they can do anything. Mulder grinned at Scully "Looks like we should avoid the popping sound in the future."
"So what have you been doing?"
"Thinking of you - rewatching my video collection - that kind of thing."
Then right in front of Mulder's eyes Scully disappeared into the Forest floor.
"Scully!"
He cut a vine and dived into the sand. There was a long torturous pause and
then they both reappeared climbing up the vine and took a deep breath in.
"Are you okay Scully?"
"I'm fine Mulder, hey I just realised something, we've cracked the fire
swamp - we've dealt with the fire and the sand."
"What about the RoUS's?"
"Rodents of unusual size - I don't believe they exist."
And then a RoUS appeared and jumped , not as would be properly ironic on Scully, because life isn't always as ironic as it should be, but on Mulder. Mulder was quickly overpowered, but Scully hit the thing with her sword and then rolled it into one of the fire flames.
"I guess we're even now, Mulder."
"Let's go."
Several hours later they emerged, exhausted from the fire swamp. Unfortunately, Krycek had managed to pick the exact place they'd emerge for
his station around the fire swamp, so they were surrounded.
"Surrender."
"You wish to surrender to us? Very well, we accept." Scully didn't even
deign this with the Scully look.
"Krycek, if I come with you, will you promise not to hurt him?"
Krycek thought about this for a minute, and being a liberal kind of guy and
a fully paid up member of GATB, decided to accept, pity it wasn't a threesome but he'd get Mulder one day.
"I promise, you I won't hurt him - you are pretty attractive yourself."
"I couldn't lose you, Mulder." And with that she was whisked away.
Mulder sighed, Scully was always a tad too trusting. "Okay, so where are you taking me?"
"A nice little place called the pit of despair." Mulder was picked up by the first horseman and so didn't notice the man who said this lighting his
cigarette.
The day of the wedding arrived, Scully looked beautiful, Krycek looked hot. They got married in a public ceremony which was well attended.
******
"Wait a minute, Scully can't marry Krycek. That's sick and twisted - does she
kill him? or does he?"
"No-one kills him - he lives."
"That can't happen - and Scully can't marry Krycek."
******
Scully woke up from that nightmare, the wedding was drawing closer ("I knew
it." "Yes, you're very clever."). She paced the castle, having decided that
she really couldn't marry Krycek, she was making up her mind whether to kill
herself or try and escape.
In another part of the castle Krycek planned with the man who smoked Morley's. "It was looking good when I was going to murder Mulder on my engagement day - but Scully on my wedding night has so much more finesse."
Meanwhile on the outskirts of town, Byers was wandering around, looking oddly out of place, until he found Langly, who was looking very very happy sitting under a tree. "Langly, Langly?" In the end he gave up and took Langly to a place where he could sleep it off.
Finally, on the other side of the forest, Mulder was being tortured. Cancerman had decided that he should be tortured as much as possible partly because he was truly in love and so could have been truly happy and therefore he should suffer more, but mainly because that kind of thing got Cancerman really turned on.
******
"Too much information. I'm not into any kind of thing for anyone."
"I am sorry I'll try and avoid that stuff in the future."
******
When Langly was finally able to have a conversation Byers advised him of the
situation. "Plus there's something else I discovered, the man who smokes
Morleys - the one that Mulder's after, he is at the castle."
"So?"
"So we have to find him, so he can rescue Scully and be a hero and all that."
"Oh." (his full faculties hadn't yet returned)
When Langly was able to ask "How do we find him?" Byers had no answer, but he had a good nose and they could trace the scent of cigarette smoke. Unfortunately when they found Mulder, the man who smoked Morleys had obviously been having a great time and Mulder looked dead. Byers looked at Langly - "What do we do?"
"I know some people, come on take him - there are sometimes such things as
miracles."
So they took him to Miracle Albert.
"Hello?"
"Yes."
"We need a miracle."
"The white buffalo was born." The man on the other side opened the door and
let them in.
"We'll take that as a yes."
"I will perform the ancient ceremony as my father before me performed it and
his father before him. How much have you got?"
"65."
"I never work for that little, but I suppose I can at least see what he's alive for, you see he should be dead, the spirits of his ancestors are calling him strong. What have you got to live for?" And he pushed down on Mulder's chest.
"Trrruuuuuue Loooooooove."
"See he said true love surely you work for less for that cause?"
"No I am no longer able to perform miracles the power left me, as power does."
A petite woman who looked about the same age as Scully appeared from inside
the house.
"Liar, Liar, Liar, ever since Krycek fired you, you have no more confidence."
"I told you that name was not to be spoken."
"Krycek Krycek Krycek Krycek Krycek Krycek Krycek."
"Stop it stop it stop it."
Byers thought quickly: "If you save this man, Krycek will suffer."
"I will consider it, The Blessing Way ritual takes a week to complete."
"He needs to be well tonight."
"Well then we have a pill, that works much quicker - go get it Samantha."
"You say your name is Samantha...."
"Oh yes, send Mulder to me if he lives. We need to meet."
About an hour later they arrived at the castle gates. Mulder regained consciousness.
"Trust No One. The Truth is Out There. Where am I?"
Byers answered "Let me explain. No let me sum up. Tonight is Krycek's wedding night where he will marry Scully, we've also found out that the man who smokes the Morleys who is working with Krycek. So we need to get in, find Scully, kill the Morley smoking man and get out?"
"At the moment I can't stand up - what exactly are our advantages?"
"Well, with Langly I can break into any security system, and then we'll have
to improvise."
"Lets go - it can't get any worse."
Scully was wandering through the castle, when she ran into the King, a suprisingly sexy bald man. "Are you okay dear?"
"Oh yes I'm fine, I'm just trying to decide whether to kill myself or Krycek."
"That's nice dear, see you in the morning."
Scully sighed and then smelt something strange, Cigarette smoke! She followed the smell, until she saw Krycek's advisor and he was smoking Morley's. She gave him one look of contempt.
"Hello my name is Dana Scully, you kidnapped Mulder's sister, prepare to die."
The man paused a minute and then ran. Scully ran after him.
Langly, Byers and Mulder searched the castle, "We better, split up, we'll never find them otherwise, the wedding is due to start in half an hour. Mulder you lie here, if she comes in then she'll be able to help you."
The fight between Scully and the Morley man, continued. She chased him from
one room till another. As she entered a small banquet room he threw a dagger at her stomach and smiled. "You shouldn't have attacked me - I've seen Kings die. It' such a shame that after all that, Mulder's search is no good, I killed him earlier you see, so funny really - he's been looking all this time and now you're both dead."
Scully's eyes hardened, she lifted up her sword as the Morley man came in to
attack. "Not giving up, that's very funny."
"My name is Dana Scully, you killed my love, prepare to die." She slowly
regained her strength and began to attack, she pushed him backwards, through
the corridors of the castle, but her strength was going. They finally moved
into one of the smaller bedrooms. In fact it was as luck would have it was
the bed where Mulder was, still lying on the bed.
"Mulder! You're alive." A huge smile grew on her face, "This is the man that
kidnapped your sister."
"Hello, my name is Fox Mulder, you kidnapped my sister, prepare to die."
The Morley smoking man, realised he was outnumbered "I'll give you anything
you want, just don't kill me."
Mulder looked at him - "I want the last 20 years back, with my sister." And
threw a dagger at him.
Scully collapsed into a chair. "Scully are you okay?"
"I took a dagger in the stomach - it should be okay, as long as it gets a chance to clot."
"So how are we going to get out of here, I can't walk - I was mostly dead."
"Let's wait and see," she grinned. They were both alive, what did it matter?
Then Krycek walked in, "Dana, we need to get married... Mulder! I thought you were dead - I'll have to kill you myself. I challenge you to a duel - to the death."
"No. To the pain" said Scully.
"To the pain?" asked Krycek.
"To the pain," Mulder replied "is when I first cut off your hands to the wrists, then your feet to the ankles, then I will gouge out your eyes and then I slit your nose."
"And then you cut off my ears I understand you."
Scully looked at Mulder "No, your ears are left - so that you can hear all
the screams and all the gasps of repulsion every time anyone sees you, that
is what to the pain means."
"You're bluffing."
"I could be, it could be that I am lying here because I don't have the strength to stand, but perhaps I have the strength after all." With his eyes on Scully Mulder swung his legs round and slowly stood up - he held his sword full length and pointed it at Krycek's chest - "Drop your sword."
Krycek's sword cluttered to the ground.
"Sit down on that chair."
Scully, moving slowly so as not to reveal the extent of her own injuries started to tie him up. Then Byers entered. "You're both okay? Well then, I
suppose we better find Langley. Do you need a hand, Mulder?"
"I knew it. I knew he was bluffing," cried Krycek - who had obviously realised it just a little too late.
"Hello," the sound came from the courtyard "I found some horses - one for each of us - we did find Scully didn't we - oh hello Scully."
Byers helped first Scully then Mulder to the window and Langley caught them
at the bottom.
They rode out of the courtyard and into the countryside and towards freedom. As they rode Mulder and Scully realised that they were free, safe and together. They reached towards each other…….
******
"Oh it's MSR stuff - I'll stop now."
"No, it's okay, you can go on."
"You sure? I don't want to put you through any pain."
"No,that's okay, you can read the end if you like."
******
There have been six kisses which were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This kiss was six times greater than any of these.
***********************************
End
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