DISCLAIMER The X-Men are the property
of Marvel Comics and are used without their
permission. Sikudhani McCoy is the property of Darqstar and is mentioned in this story
with her
permission. This is a work of fanfiction, intended for entertainment purposes only.
The Reflection In The Mirror
Part One
By ScarletLady
;**Well, homme, you sure done it now. Maybe, just maybe Rogue would have come around, and
not made you wade through
all that garbage you were turning your soul inside out to forget. But now...well, why
would she want to? Homme, you be a
mess.**
Remy turned away from the mirror he couldnt see. He wasnt a vain man, exactly,
but hed had a supreme confidence in
himself that was in part based on the admiring looks he was used to getting. From women
who saw the excitement and danger
hidden not too far below the surface. From men who envied his smooth charm. The long walk
from the doctors office home
showed him exactly what his life would now be like. People who had formerly respected his
silence, but would usually nod to
him did their best not to stare. Mothers pulled children out of his way. A pretty girl
looked, shivered and drew back. An old
man gazed at him with pity. And he didnt even have the comfort of not knowing it.
Between his spatial awareness and his
empathy, being blind almost didnt matter.
He tried to pull himself out of this unwelcome vulnerability to what others thought about
him. **Beast got trough looking
diffrent and didnt lose his cool. Fact is, you admired dat. Yeah, I jus
be like Henri.** He tried to feel his way into Henrys
perpetual good humor. **Just another costume, neh?** It chafed in places, and rubbed him
raw in others as he tried to be
pleasant to someone he could feel shrinking away from him. He realized Henrys way
was never going to work for him as he
made his way back to his cabin. He stopped in the entryway and turned to face the mirror
he knew was there. Slowly he raised
his hand and felt the smooth, cool surface. **Guess it work for Henri because he got
noting to hide. Me... I got tings buried
dat make Pocalypse look at me like I was dirt.**
**May as well be dirt. Rogue aint never gonna be come back. Leas not to me.
Yeah, dere was a chance I could a talked her
round sooner or later. Til Seattle, she ...liked...me. Never could get more
outta her dan dat. She respond to me partly cause
of how I looked. Can fault dat.**
**Rogue don be dat shallow. She won care bout how I look now.**
Optimistic voices that ran through his head, and
wouldnt be silenced. His shattered face twisted into a new pattern of scars. **Yeah.
Guess dat be true. Cept Rogue don like
what was inside before de outside got so messed up. And de inside is what got to count
now.** Rogue couldnt face up to
what, no, who he was. He knew what shed seen in his head that day. Some
half-unconscious mental misdirection had kept her
away from the worst, but what shed gotten had sent her running as far away from him
as she could get. **What you got to
tempt her wit now, homme?** A bitter question, and his heart redoubled its
lonely
Remy had nowhere to go, and nowhere he wanted to be. Hed left the X-men. He saw
Rogue around every corner, felt her
imprint on every room he was in, and he couldnt deal with it. His mind seemed to be
in a permanent replay of that moment in
Seattle, when hed stretched out his hand to her, and dared to put his future on the
line. Rogue had turned away. Maybe
someone else could have considered it a temporary setback. But not an empath. His heart
had been wide open to Rogue,
begging her to see past what he was, to see what he was trying to be, for her. Begging for
her to give him the most precious gifts
he knew; trust, understanding, someone to believe in him. Rogue wouldnt or
couldnt. He knew she ran when things got tough,
but hed needed her to try. Instead, shed left again. **Didn look like
she even hesitated, mon ami.** He couldnt lie to
himself. Rogue had wanted nothing to do with him, or his ugly past. Hed begun to
feel like nothing more than a reflection in a
mirror. He remembered Sikus favorite story, "The Velveteen Rabbit", and
how the little rabbit had ached to be real, and loved.
If nobody loved you, did that mean you could never be real?
Remy knew he couldnt stay in the mansion any longer. Hed thought long and hard
about leaving the team altogether, but
theyd sort of become like family to the heartlonely Gambit. But his
"family" was giving him the silent treatment. Their not talking
to him was bad enough. Their silent looks of accusation were killing him. Like hed
deliberately revealed his past to Rogue, just
to drive her away from what was her family too. Her family first. He wasnt imagining
it, he could feel it. So, to save what was
left of his sanity, hed known hed have to go.
Noble wasnt something Remy did well, but for Rogue, hed tried. Hed
wanted to find Rogue and talk to her before he left, to
say he was trying to understand, and tell her
nothing she wanted to hear. Remy
sighed, and realized the best he was capable
of where Rogue was concerned was to leave her be.
Remy had made it a point to never explain the whys of his life, but hed wanted
to try this time. Hed tried to find a way to
explain to Cyclops that his heart couldnt believe in dreams anymore. Hed
wanted to belong to Rogue; that was his dream. The
only one he could ever remember allowing himself to have, and it was shattered beyond his
ability to comprehend. With no
dream of his own, he couldnt find a reason or the desire to follow someone
elses. But Rogue was gone, and Cyclops wouldnt
see past the fact that in his opinion, Gambits leaving was quitting, pure and
simple. Scotts unspoken condemnation piled onto
Gambits already heavy load of self-hatred, and the weight bent shoulders that had
never shown shame. Sadness dulled the
shine that Gambits personality had sparkled with. Despair clogged his voice with
melted wishes.
Remy had never denied his empathy to himself. To him it was just another weapon in his
arsenal. but his unhappiness had
dissolved his usual control of his gift, and the emotional buffeting he was taking from
his teammates was having miserable
consequences. Hed known Scott didnt think much of him. Usually, the feeling
was mutual. But being a part of the X-Men had
meant something to him, whether the others had understood that or not. It meant he could
redeem his soul bit by bit. He could
escape his past, and start over with a new family. And hed thought theyd begun
to believe in him. Hed thought they
understood that this time he wasnt just out for himself. From Scotts emotions
at this point though, it was clear that hed been
waiting and hoping for the time Gambit would give up and go away. And Scott was glad about
it. Remy tried to reach for some
understanding of Scott Summers. **Maybe Scott jus see what still below de surface,
and don believe I can be better dan I
used to. Can blame de guy for dat.** But his heart called him a liar.
Remy tried to say goodbye to the others. Logan growled and stalked away before he got a
word out. Storm was off on a
mission, and couldnt be reached. Jean looked at him like shed like to run his
mind through a cuisenart to find what Rogue has
seen that made her leave her adoptive family. Bobby sneered. "Bout time you figured
out you dont belong here."
The only person hed managed to get a semi-civilized response from was Beast. But
even with Henry, there was a reserve to his
manner. **Henry, he don wan to know why I be leaving. He don
wan to feel he got to help. He jus wan tings to get back
to what passes for normal roun here.**
Gambits control was fracturing. He needed someone to understand, but didnt
know how to reach out to anyone, or make
them believe him. His smooth talk and easy patter werent much good when Gambit
needed someone to really understand.
Stormy might have. But Storm wasnt there when Remy finally figured out that if he
stayed, his presence and Rogues absence
would cause damage to the team that would never be fixable. If he stayed, well...hed
probably be dead in a year.
Remy couldnt recognize himself anymore. Not so much the outside, but the far greater
changes inside. His time with the X-men
had shown him that his automatic defenses against letting people get too close
werent always needed. He felt betrayed when he
realized how their reactions to his leaving contradicted what they preached.
These days, when he needed his armor most, when he needed to not care what people thought
of him, it felt like what was once
a reflex was beyond his grasp. Every thought of everyone around him was like looking into
a mirror, only it wasnt just a
reflection they gave back. Their shock, disgust, fear, and horror passed into his soul.
His battered heart was shown again and
again that the ugliness inside was finally reflected on the outside.
**Homme, you sure screwed your life up. Here you be, needing to reach out to someone, and
just now realizing you aint got
no one.** He studied the Rogue sized hole in himself. **Aint nobody gonna fit it.**
He ran his scarred and twisted fingers
over his face. **Hell, homme...aint nobody gonna want it.**
Hed wandered for a long while after he left the X-Men. Hed stopped briefly in
New Orleans, but home didnt feel like home
anymore. He moved to New York, and the crowds he used to fit into like a second skin, but
the splintered emotions, and
broken heart in him cried for solitude. He passed over the northwest. Finally he stopped
in Canada. Here was solitude. Deep in
the woods, no ones emotions all but assaulted him when he walked by. He could be as
alone as he needed to be. He bought a
small cabin about ten miles out of a small town that he visited only when imminent
starvation made him. Remy wasnt
intentionally brooding, but not being around others made him more and more aware of how
alone he was, and he avoided
thinking about the past when he could. The one exception was thoughts of Rogue. He
couldnt remove her image from inside
him with two quarts of morphine and a scalpel.
It was the not thinking that started it. Remy couldnt stop being aware of everything
in his vicinity. What he could do was not
pay attention to the warning his ability was giving him. He was on his monthly trip to
town, and wrapped up in thoughts of
Rogue too deep to be shaken out of lightly.
Trying to figure a way to be someone Rogue wanted to know again, he ignored the ball that
rolled down the sidewalk. Saw it
when he tripped over it, of course. Saw it real up close and personal when he fell off the
curb into the street and the ball
skipped past his nose. **Dieu.** His nose. **Ouch. Homme, tink you gonna have to
have de local doc take a look at dat.
Don tink its sposed to bend dat way.** Pounding footsteps warned him of
an approach.
"Sorry mister. Gotta catch my ball. Be back inna minute." He watched the child
dash after the ball. The kid had red hair, which
started him back on thoughts of Rogue. Remy rolled to his feet without his usual grace. He
touched his nose gingerly.
**Damn.** He sighed. **Guess dis Cajun boy gonna be spendin more time in town dan he
wanted.**
He heard the raspy squeal of sliding tires, heard the scream of metal twisting around
metal, heard the soft thud of flesh meeting
metal, and then the screams. It was the screams that jarred him into movement. Seems he
still needed to feel like he made a
difference after all.
He ran to where a car had wrapped itself around a lamppost in an effort to avoid the child
chasing his ball. It failed. He saw the
child crumpled against the curb, but a couple of people nearby were doing what could be
done to help him. He looked at the
car, and time slowed down as he went into what hed always thought of as "battle
mode".
Driver; not moving; no passenger. Car wrapped around the pole right behind the driver side
door. **Not gonna get him out dat
way, homme.** Time slowed further for the Cajun as he assessed possibles and probables. He
tried the passenger side door. It
moved, but wouldnt open. **Gonna have to blow de door.** He sent a low charge into
the edge of the door, trying to make
the jamb release without exploding the entire door, and injuring the driver further.
Thats when everything blew up in his face. Literally. Remy kept thinking he should
have seen the leaking gas. Hed been
subconsciously counting on the smell to warn him, but his nose wasnt in any shape to
help. The charge hed sent into the door
caused the door to release, all right, but also sparked the gas pooling around his feet.
If you looked at it from the docs point of view, he was incredibly lucky. EMS
personnel were pulling onto the scene when he
pulled his imitation of the Torch. Somebody got to him in seconds with a blanket they used
to smother the flames. Hed been
wearing his usual leather duster, and his boots, and so hardly had any burns where he was
protected by his coat, but his face
and hands, well, like the doc said, at least he still had partial use of the left hand.
His one noticeable mutant feature, his eyes,
were both more and less noticeable. In effect, however, useless. His right hand had been
burned clear to the bone, and made a
great paperweight these days.
An alpha class mutant, who may as well be Homo sapien. **Can still charge de
cards
jus gonna get stuck wit em cause I
can trow dem no more.** The irony of it struck him. **Hell, homme, what one
more explosion gonna do to me, eh?** A
twist of the lips that would once have been a sardonic grin.
Remys legendary agility was gone. His catlike walk was still there, but was shadowed
by the ruin of his face and the awkward
way his arms were held. Since getting out of the hospital, he kept his hands hidden in his
pockets whenever possible. Hed
thrown out his fingerless gloves and bought a pair of leather driving gloves. Wearing them
became second nature. The
sunglasses werent a big adjustment. Hed worn them most all the time anyway.
Remy knew hed have to think about what he was going to do next. The accident had
occurred six months ago. The hospital
and plastic surgeons had done what they could, but they couldnt make him what he
was. The first month he couldnt remember
anything but pain. Hed wake screaming, and wouldnt be able to stop. Remy knew
about pain. Hed been injured before, but
the loss of control regarding his empathy that hed first started to experience just
before hed left the X-Men had now extended
to other areas. He couldnt shut the pain away, or use it as a spur to keep going. It
just was, and it seemed never ending.
Remy fell backwards onto the sofa in the living room, awkwardly holding his hands against
his chest. **Tink dat second mont
be worse dan de first in some ways.** The first months constant pain had helped
suppress his empathy to some degree. After
that, hed tried, with only partial success, to relearn control of his gifts.
Hed woken up one morning whimpering like a
frightened child after a nightmare. An unspoken cry for Rogue was echoing through him. He
wanted Rogue. Something in Remy
broke, then. Remy hadnt cried in public since he was two. Now the tears were absent
from his useless eyes, but the sobs of a
grown man who simply couldnt take anymore pain had the nurses whod come
running to his door shedding them for him.
Hed tried so hard to be better than the man he once was. **When can I leave de dirt
behind, and deserve more?** The
overwhelming sobbing brought on by too much mental and physical torment had broken free
from his frayed control and
wouldnt stop for three weeks. The docs had a field day trying new anti-depressant
medications on him. Problem is, when
breathing in and out reminds you that you dont have a reason to breathe in and out
anymore, its real hard to feel happy.
**Don feel bad, homme, werent the first time you cried over her. Probly
won be de last, neither.**
Back at the mansion, Jean was once again staring into space. Finally, after watching her
stare at the walls for a week, Scott
gave in and asked what was wrong.
"I think we
"About what?" asked Scott, trying to understand.
"Remy."
"I see. Just what has Rogue said to you since she got back?"
"Scott, she just got back a two days ago, and has been either in her room, or on the
roof for forty hours of it. I havent had a
chance to say anything to her other that welcome home, and you know it."
"Okay. But something has been bugging you for the last week. Id assumed you had
a good reason to be distracted, but if its
just Gambit, Id say its your business."
Jean put her hand on Scotts arm as he started to turn away.
"No Scott, I mean it. I think we were wrong."
Scott sighed, and reached for his patience. There was precious little left where Gambit
was concerned. "And just how, pray tell,
were we wrong? Did we forget to send him a Christmas card? Gee, Im sorry Gambit.
Guess Santa couldnt find a pit deep
enough to bury you in. Wish you were here, Id turn you over to Logan, and hed
do it personally."
Jean looked at him, and her disappointment in him showed in her mental withdrawal.
Rogue sat on the roof, looking at the sunset. Her life didnt seem to be making much
sense to her lately, and she needed to find
a direction, a goal to head toward.
Shed heard that Remy had left the X-Men several months ago, and she couldnt
understand what she was feeling. Relieved that
she wouldnt have to deal with him, certainly. But what else? Did she still l-like
him? Shed seen the look in his eyes when she
turned away from him in Seattle. Those enigmatic eyes of his that were usually faintly
calculating and mostly flirtatious had
personified the word pain. And shed caused it. Both then and right now, Rogue
didnt like herself very much for that.
She tried to justify what shed done to Remy by remembering what shed seen in
that murky maze he called his mind. But for
every act of thoughtlessness, there was a kindness that was just as unthinking. For every
murder committed, a battered child
would live in peace. For every theft, there was an anonymous gift.
That was the heart of her problem. She was scared of Gambit. Shed seen what
hed done, and seen the lack of caring that
accompanied it. Shed seen him turn on the charm when he wanted something, and turn
it off when he had it. **Was Ah just
somethin he wanted?** she wondered.
**That dog wont hunt,** she was forced to concede. **Remy done coulda had me most
anytime, but he only pushed til he
knew Ahda pushed back ifn hed gone any further.**
She remembered the way Remy had gone out of his way to make sure Rogue knew he cared about
her, their first date, even
that dadblamed kiss. Rogue finally acknowledged that Remy really honestly and truly loved
her.
But did Rogue love Remy? Danged ifn she knew. **What does love feel like from the
inside out?** Rogue had learned early
on that people who are lonely build walls around their hearts, instead of bridges. She
also knew that Remy had to be one of the
loneliest people shed ever met, not that any of the other X-Men would agree with
her. Where did Remy get the courage to
reach out to her? What made Remy decide that she was the one he wanted? Her looks? With
that danged skunk striped hair,
not hardly. The southern belle act? Might have started the attraction, but Remy knew she
werent no sweet, shy Miss Muffett.
**Maybe there aint no reason. Maybe theres some truth to the rumor that
everbody has a soul mate. Could I be Remys
other half, without him bein mine? That dont rightly seem fair.**
Confusion settled in a heavy cloud around Rogue. She built a picture of Gambit in her
mind. As she looked at it, she felt like
smacking herself once for being stupid, and twice for being really stupid. It wasnt
Remy she was scared of; it was Gambit!
And from the first moment theyd met, when Storm had introduced him to the team as
her friend, Gambit, hed walked straight
over to where she sat, and said "No, chere, to you I always be Remy."
Remy had done gone and told her who he was, time and time again, and still she didnt
see it. His refusal to discuss his past
went hand in hand with his identity. To the others, he was the mysterious Cajun Gambit,
whose secrets were his to keep, as
long as they didnt cause the team problems. To Rogue, those secrets belonged to
someone else, not her Remy. **It werent
like Remy was some Mafia boss, or nothin, who didnt want his girl involved in
his business, her Remy just werent that person
no more.**
**I gotta go tell him. ** That conclusion reached, Rogue headed for Jean.
"Jean? Whered Remy go when he left?" Rogue looked somewhere past
Jeans left shoulder as she asked. "I gotta tell him
somthin. "
Jean looked at Rogue, taking in the troubled eyes, and tension brackets around her mouth.
"I dont know, Rogue."