Audra McKay stepped outside Transporter Room 3 and rocked her head back and forth to loosen the neck muscles that had tightened to steel during the last 37 hours. She had been on duty all that time, most of it manning the main transporter room console.

It had grieved her to have to transport her crew mates, many of them dear friends, down to the station which had been tragically over run with the blood thirsty ,maniacal Khynah. She felt as if she were sending them all to their doom, but that was her duty and she could not shirk it any more than her crew mates, so assigned, could refuse to transport down to the besieged station.

She hoped that by plunging herself into her work that her feelings of guilt would dissipate. However, she later found, that the guilt she felt over beaming her crew mates into the battle zone only multiplied upon their retrieval. The horrific scenes that materialized on the transporter pads would haunt her for the rest of her days. In her desperate attempt to rescue fellow crew mates she had sometimes only been able to retrieve their corpses, or in some cases, parts of them.

She had fought desperately to keep her mind on her duties as each new party arrived and she forced down the urge to pause and search their faces in hopes of finding that her closest friends had survived. But, there had been no time for personal sentiment, only time to hastily retrieve what she could lock on to and then repeat the process again and again.

As the battle wound to a close and it became clear that the Khynah were defeated her presence was not required at the transporter console, but she found that she could not tear herself away from her post until every possible crewman had been retrieved, alive or dead.

Now, as she stood outside of the transporter room doors she did not know in which direction to head. She knew that she could not tolerate going back to the stillness in her own quarters. And, for a moment, she thought that she might visit sickbay, but then thought better of it. She knew things were still chaotic down there and that her presence might hinder the medical staff's efforts.She thought about visiting her friends, but most of her friends had just returned from the fray and were now either nursing their wounds or were catching some sleep. She didn't want to disturb anyone in their quarters.

Finally a thought occurred to her. If any of the lounges on the ship remained opened. it would be Jake's. Even though most of the civilians had disembarked before the battle and even though all of the servers had disembarked too, there was still something about Jake's that called to those remaining on board and she felt sure if there was a place that any of the crew would congregate in the aftermath of battle, then Jake's would be it.

At almost the precise moment that the ENDEAVOUR pulled away from the station and began limping off to pick up its civilian population before returning for repairs, Audra pulled herself away from the transporter room doors and began walking stiffly towards the turbolift that would take her to Jake's.

As she walked down the corridor she had the eerie feeling that she was all alone on the ship. On a ship that was so populated that it often made it's inhabitants wish for a little "peace and quiet" the sensation was strange enough to raise gooseflesh on both of her arms. As she entered the turbolift the sound of her own voice calling out, "Deck 10" sounded surrealistic. She shook her head in hopes of shaking off the feeling of strangeness but only managed to discover a low throb in her temples for the effort.

The doors soon opened and deposited her a short way down the corridor from Jake's. She paused and listened, hoping to hear the sounds of voices and glasses clinking, but instead heard only more silence. She entered Jake's and looked around. There WERE people here, but the place now resembled a chapel, more than a lounge. The half dozen or so crewmen and officers that occupied the room were scattered about and seated at separate tables. Some had glasses and bottles in front of them and they sat staring vacantly into space, while others sat with heads down upon the table tops and nothing before them but their own arms.

Audra paused at the door and wondered whether or not to enter. She found the quietness of the room and the dim lights were, in their own way, calming and so she ventured in. She made her way to the bar and half expected to see Jake emerge from the storage area behind it. When he didn't appear she went behind the bar and snagged a bottle of some kind of spirits and a glass, then made her way back to the center of the lounge where she too sat alone at a table. She popped the cork on the bottle and poured a bit into her glass. Before she even tasted it, she knew it was Peppermint Schnapps and she also knew that it was probably the REAL stuff. Jake, in his wisdom, had probably pulled it from its hiding place knowing what the crew was about to face. She sipped a tiny bit and let it burn it's way down her throat. She wondered what it felt like to be drunk. She had never really known that sensation. Her only hope was that it would deaden the feelings of guilt that now sat so heavy on her breast.

She continued sipping until her head became heavy and she placed it on her arms, which she crossed upon the table top. Somehow the alcohol was not helping, but only seemed to intensify her feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Her subordinates could have manned the transporter, why hadn't she transported down to the station and joined the battle? Why hadn't she gotten a better, and faster lock and rescued more of her comrades from harm? Why hadn't she locked on to the devil Khynahs and beamed them into space? Her efforts were too little too late, she had failed her friends and crew mates. She realized that her face was damp with her own tears and her misery grew.

Sometime later a part of her brain recognized the sounds of footfalls. They seemed to be approaching her table, but in her grief she made no attempt to lift her head and identify her visitor. It was only when she heard the voice that she was startled into action.

"McKay?"

Audra's head popped up and as soon as she focused on the face she began to leap from her chair.

"As you were," the voice spoke again and a hand on her back eased Audra back into her chair.

McKay looked with puzzlement at the face of her commanding officer and then her look changed to panic and she remembered the bottle of Schnapps' sitting before her.

"I...I...I'm sorry, C..c..c..ommander," she stuttered uncontrollably. "I just needed a little down time."

To Audra's surprise Maxine Taggert did not mention the alcohol, even though she picked up the bottle and examined its label. "I know, McKay," Taggert said in the softest voice Audra could ever remember issuing from those lips. "We all could use a little down time after what we've just been through."

McKay looked hard at Maxine Taggert and was surprised to see a vulnerability there. This was the first time she could ever remember having a one on one conversation with Taggert, beyond being chewed out or making a report while on duty, and even in her own emotional turmoil Audra could not help but be touched by the sadness she saw in Maxine's face.

"How bad was it, sir?" Audra asked gently. "Do you know how many were lost?"

"No, it's too early to know for certain yet. I do know that there were four confirmed deaths so far from Engineering, and there may be many more....I just don't know," Taggert trailed off.

Audra signed deeply. "I feel so useless," she lamented.

Taggert bristled a bit and Audra saw her features harden. "What do you mean you feel USELESS, Lieutenant?"

"I..I..I mean, I feel as if I could have done so much more to help. I'm combat trained. I could have beamed down to the station and joined the battle, perhaps there I could have made a difference."

Taggert's eyes flashed. "What do you mean COULD have made a difference?!!!

What about all those lives you saved by beaming them out from the jaws of death? What about the landing parties you placed in safe and secure zones when transporting them down? Don't you think that was important? Wasn't that useful?" Taggert demanded.

"W...w...well yes sir, of course it was. But there were others on my team that could have handled those duties while I joined the fight."

"No Lieutenant, there were NOT. We needed our best people in the positions in which they were suited to fight, and you, as transporter chief, were right where you belonged. No one else on board was as qualified to do the important work that you accomplished."

Audra's mind, still swimming under the influence, tried to make sense of Taggert's words. "Important work?"

Now it was Taggert's turn to heave a sigh. "Yes Audra, important work...you saved lives. What could be more important than that?"

Audra's eyes popped. AUDRA?! Had Taggert just called her AUDRA?!

"In fact," Taggert continued," I was just coming over here to commend you on your efforts during this last engagement."

Audra shook her head, perhaps she wasn't hearing right. "You were.....sir?" she gasped.

Taggert stood. "Yes Lieutenant, I was. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself and get back to your quarters and grab some shut eye so you can get down to Engineering and make yourself useful again."

Audra got to her feet shakily. "Yes Commander, I'll report for my regular duty cycle."

"See to it that you do." Taggert looked down and her eye caught the bottle on the table. She reached out and replaced its cork and then picked it up and held it at her side. "I'll just dispose of this for you too. I'm sure your intention was to destroy it."

"Oh...um, yes Commander. Indeed, that WAS my intention," Audra affirmed with her thick tongued speech.

A flash of a smile crossed Taggert's face. "I'll see you in the morning," she said, then turned and left the room.

Audra stood and watched until Taggert had left the room . She wondered if she had just awakened from a dream for as surrealistic and difficult for the mind to cope with as the battle with the Khynah has been, to Audra what had just taken place with Taggert was the most unbelievable of all.