Personal Logs: Cmdr. Cam MacLaughlin

I looked about the main Science Lab, for a moment watched one of the lab techs working with something on the bench. Research went on.

He looked up at me, "Medical sent down that stuff Commander I put it in your private lab."

"Thanks, " I said slowly walking towards my seldom used office and lab.

I paused at the door and leaned there a second. Things had changed drastically since I had become just a staff archeologist on a starship, even when I was promoted to Chief. I sighed. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I taught at the Academy, and then took a commission. Dr. Camille McLaughlin was dead in a sense. I hadn't used the title in years. Ph.D. Somehow I felt like I didn't know anything, and that person wasn't me.

I walked in the lab and set the wooden box on the bench. I released the catch and opened the lid. I looked at the knife that lay on the dark blue velvet. The blade was heavy and highly polished. I lifted it out and felt the weight in the hilt.

It was a trophy, an odd trophy.

Jesse had taken it off a Khynah officer he had captured back when this thing had first broken loose. That was a long time ago, or so it seemed.

It was a wicked and ugly thing. I swallowed, feeling sick, because a blade just like this had been plunged into my chest and set this whole thing in motion. Thing...FalTorPan.

I heard a little gasp behind me and I set the knife down.

"H...here are the reports you asked for, Commander." I looked at the blonde lab tech who was looking at the blade and trying to hand me a padd. Her eyes had locked on the knife with a mix of visible horror.

"Its OK, thank you for getting this so quickly."

"Is that what I think it is?" she wondered.

"It belongs to Comdr. Sanchez, " I explained "Now that body armor..."

"Is over there," she pointed hastily.

"Now to figure why this stuff failed," I snatched up the armor that Jesse had been wearing. Why had it failed? Jesse said that R&D told him that it was puncture resistant. Why had it failed?

I stuck three fingers through the hole, about as wide as the blade and wiggled, pulling at the fabric.

Damnation! Jesse had come close to meeting the damn fate that I did. How?

I picked up the knife and took a mighty swipe at the fabric, sure enough the blade caught and pierced.

"Do we have any knives around here?" I wondered.

"I don't know," the tech said.

"The Kitchen! I saw some down there. Do me a favor and go get one." I urged searching through the cupboards in the lab. I wanted a razorblade, an old fashioned blade that men once removed their whiskers with. Sometimes we still used them to trim samples in archeology. We also used a fine knife commonly referred to as an exacto to gently flick though layers of dirt and such. The blade was steel, and not often used because you tended to destroy the sample. I found this first. I had cut my fingers more then once with the sharp blade, and holding it brought back memories of spend lots of hot hours in the sun working to solve a mystery. That was a long time ago, another lifetime.

The fabric indeed resisted a good poke sort of bounced the blade back.

I looked at the padd with the report from R&D.

I picked up the suit again and poked my fingers in the holes again.

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Jesse walked in the lab dressed in his gym clothes. He set his bag down and mopped his face with his towel. "I thought you were going to come down."

"I was, but this has me puzzled."

He touched the suit and tightened his mouth. "Failure analysis," he said with a click of his tongue.

"As a scientist I've gotta know," I shrugged. He wasn't happy or amused by the whole thing. "I've analyzed various blades, and I cant come up with an answer. The Khynah blade pierces it where one of our manufacture does not. I've tried everything, molecular analysis, ionic interaction.. you name it. According to R&D you shouldn't have been hurt like you were."

He shrugged, "Well yeah, it happened. 'Member I said I had my doubts."

"It was an experiment, and it failed."

"I'm gonna go grab a shower, are you gonna make dinner?" he wondered.

"Yes," I nodded. I looked at the towel tossed around his shoulders a moment. "Give me that."

"What?"

"Give me the towel." I urged.

"What do you want a filthy towel for?" he wondered.

"How long were you in this?" I asked gesturing at the suit.

"You know, hours, why?"

"How much did you sweat?"

"It was hot, a lot. The suits like a sauna."

"An stress, Romulans Khynah and all."

"Yeah I was under stress," he shrugged.

"Rathman you have that sample from R&D?" I called out.

Honey looked up. She could be dingy but she was a useful assistant. I remember when I was jealous of her ability to be so easy with men. I had seen the way my blonde lab tech turned more then one head. Jess's included. "Its on your desk."

"Ahhh," I snorted and went into the office retrieving the envelope with the swatch inside.

"Cam," Jesse puzzled "What are you thinking?"

"Give me a minute," I urged.

I watch data come off the computer. It scrolled quickly, far more quickly then I used to scroll things. I suddenly stopped and tapped a finger on the screen. "Here.."

"Huh?" he wondered.

"Here an ionic interaction between the alloy in the Khynah blade, the fabric, and your sweat!"

He frowned, "I don't see it."

"Sweat is acidic and your sweat combined with the fabric...how interesting. Ph!"

"I'm going to get dinner." He said with a soft huff. He didn't see what I was. He was exasperated by the whole thing.

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I quietly walked in my quarters and set down the padds on my desk. In the half light the stars glowed softly illuminating the room. I watched them trace across the viewports. The ship was moving sublight, so they were distinct colored dots, nebula danced filaments reaching out. Space was beautiful

I lay on the sofa and looked up watching the stars.

"You finally abandoned the lab," Jesse said softly setting a glass of wine beside me. I guess she'd been waiting for me, since I was late for dinner. Maybe asleep on my bed? Who knows.

"I forget how beautiful they are," I whispered.

"We all do, I think."

"Jess we need to talk,"

"I know." He nodded.

"I came across a bunch of things, old files and logs, I had stuffed in my desk and forgotten about."

"So you cleaned your office," he sighed.

"Jess, does it sound silly that some of those things just don't seem like they ever happened?"

"How old were these files?"

"Four years." I snorted.

"That was a long time ago." He nodded.

"My god how things have changed!"

"The Khynah has changed us," he observed.

"Lost our innocence, really. Jess I was HAPPY being a science officer. When did that change?"

"Xanor, probably. You were happy on Xanor, and then it all fell apart."

"There was a time I thought of you as nothing more then a stupid lunk of a security officer. All brawn no brains. Into your sports and such."

"Hmm and you were a scatterbrained, absent minded professor, I seem to recall." He let a chuckle loose. "Now look at you."

"Yeah now look," I said feeling the irony. "Scatterbrained, absent minded Vulcan professor. Remember how I used to tease T'Laren about being so literal? How she never understood figures of human speech?"

"I remember some pretty fun parties in the Science Department as well. That's changed."

"Jess," I wondered thinking, but not thinking, "How do you look at me now? "

He fell silent, "I don't know."

"Why did you call me Lal?" I wondered.

"I don't know." He sighed, "I didn't realized that I had."

"Jess did you know her? I mean," I stammered feeling uncomfortable, like I was itchy or something.

"Know her?" He looked at me a moment, "I didn't KNOW her other then a few chance conversations and a few shared meals on the Glenn. I mean you two were kind of joined at the hip when we were at the site."

"The site," I mummered my mind racing. Shoot! I don't remember much about the actual last mission of the Glenn.

"Something wrong?" he wondered.

I shook my head and waved a hand at him, "Its nothing, I suspect. Just a blank. Its like the closer to the FalTorPan I get the more clouded and dim the memories become. I guess some of those chemical bonds are not as old or as strong."

"You know its very difficult to sit here and watch you struggle with this," he said getting to his feet and draining the wineglass. He set the glass down with a clack.

I felt my chest tighten. What did he mean? I took a deep breath and fought the urge to panic. I could tell from experience that he was having doubts and his own thinking was unclear.

"Cam," he suddenly looked at me with a tilt of his head he squinted at me as if he was trying to look at some speck on the front of my uniform, trying to discern if it were a bit of food or lint. "You know, you are not an island."

I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow, "Meaning?"

He sighed softly crossing his arms, "How much have you talked to anyone else?"

I shrugged, "I talked to Jake the other day."

"What about Xavier?"

"Xavier? I haven't seen him since the party," I stood up and tilted my head the other way watching Jesse look out the viewports. His head nearly hit the transparent aluminum. I crossed my arms feeling cold. "I haven't talked to him at all."

"How about Kaye, have you talked to her?"

"She's been on other shifts, I haven't seen her."

He turned back to the stars for a moment, "All I'm trying to point out is that you are not alone and you don't exist in a vacuum. Everything, and I mean everything, affects others on this ship. Whether its your emotional arguments with Forrester or a dropped bottle in the lab. You have a few friends on this ship that care passionately about you and you've gone and shut the door."

Shut the door? Shut the door?! What nonsense is this? Then it hit me, "I've," I blinked trying to sort the feelings pounding on my heart. "I've been afraid."

"Afraid of what?" he looked at me.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Well Just a word of warning, if this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to remain silent."

"What? How so?" I frowned. I was confused.

"You are a security risk, a loose cannon on the deck. I cant stand by. Ether you get your feet under you or resign. I will have to go to the captain."

"I don't believe I'm hearing this from you!" I blurted, it was like a slap in the face hearing this. Oh that stung! I fought back the anger I felt, and tried to push it aside.

"You cannot function when paralyzed by fear."

Then I realized, it dawned on me what this was about. He was pushing me. Otherwise why ask about Xavier? He was right, and I knew that checking my emotions was something I needed to do. Emotionally I was a mess. I didn't want to face some of this, and this was partially why the party had been so difficult. I had watched my shipmates, my friends, just having fun. Dancing, drinking...Once I would have been in the center of it all, but now I stood on the outside. Watching waiting too shy to move.

I had watched Jesse in his cutaway tux sweeping Kate in her full gown across the floor with grace and ease. I had watched Marcus and Mira lightly spinning in a beautiful waltz. I had seen roses, orchids heard the bubble of laughter and felt so utterly alone. It had been beautiful, dream-like beauty. I felt like a clumsy cow, soiled somehow. Defiantly not part of that beautiful dream.

I felt like a child again. How many times had I stood watching the young dashing officers that stopped and visited my brother? How many times had I again watched these young men and women from the lecturer podium? I have always stood on the outside looking in, longing for something I couldn't put a finger on.

Longing for something I didn't know I had until it was stripped from me with a blade of a knife.

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I walked in the lab and took a breath. I set the padd on the bench with a sigh. I dragged the suit over and began absently mindedly poking at it again.

I wasn't really thinking anything, just letting my mind wander.

"Commander," Rathman's soft voice asked. "Is there something you wanted me to do?"

I looked up at the blonde glow of Honey Rathman's hair. She was pretty, in a way guys really liked. Again I wondered. What had Xavier seen in me? Why was I dwelling on this? Was that what I was afraid of? How people looked at me?

"I have some items in my office," I replied setting the suit down and walking into my office.

In the middle of my desk lay a dozen roses, wrapped in traditional green paper with fern and baby's breath surrounding the buds. I touched the silky buds a moment my thoughts scattered. Who left these here? I looked around.

Rathman stood at the door, "Wow, roses."

I nodded and handed her the padd, "Take your time with these and get help if you need it. I don't need the results immediately, it just needs to be logged in."

There was no card, I glanced around. No one was around.

"Honey did you see anyone drop these off?" I wondered.

"No Commander, no one."

I put the flowers in water and went through the rest of my shift without saying a word to anyone about it.

Who had sent me roses?

"Request denied," Came the blunt words spoken by a blunt voice. I was looking at the fabric again and leaning on the bench. Poking pulling, fighting with my feelings. This damn suit infuriated me!

Maxine Taggert was looking down at me, and believe me she can look down. Even if I was taller then her. I was now, but that didn't matter. She looked down. And the look was absolutely intimidating. I was beneath her, it pained her to even speak to me. I would never be considered her equal, I was just another incompetent officer to be tolerated. Oh to hell with that! I hated that look, I always had!

I straightened and looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "In the interest of efficiency I thought if you could spare at least two engineers-"

"I said request denied." She handed me a padd and turned on her heel.

Great, just great! I stared at the wall with the padd limp in my hand. Well I had to do something! Had this been a few months ago I would have given her a piece of my mind. Now I was...paralyzed.

"No wait," I muttered to myself. "Think think! Logic think this through!"

I found my resolve and walked into Jake's looking for a particular dark head of hair. He should be here.

And sure enough there he was making small talk with an attractive junior officer.

"Excuse me," I cleared my throat softly.

Assistant Engineering Officer Xavier St Jean's brown eyes lifted from the ensigns chest (I know what he was thinking!) and met mine.

"Mon Du!" he sputtered.

"Can you explain to me why Comdr. Taggert turned down my request for two engineers?" I said simply, in a flat voice.

"Pardon Elsa, But I need to speak to the Commander."

"Alright, you just call later, no?" Elsa winked.

We watched her leave with a little sway of the hips, a sashay...

"Your latest squeeze?" I wondered tapping the padd in my hand.

Xavier glanced at me and shrugged. He grinned softly. He said more with a glance and a shrug then anyone could. Then again I knew him fairly well.

"Ah hah, I see," I nodded. "Anyway, about this request I made, I know I'm bucking protocol by passing Maxine's authority but she offered no explanation."

"We are overbooked with trying to bring some of these system repairs on line. I have everyone going round the clock. You know Taggert: Perfection is adequate."

"Yes I know." I thought ruefully. "I just thought this could be better done by a couple engineers and it wouldn't take half as long. Besides you have all the right tools."

"No it probably wouldn't. You're right; right tools make a job simple. I'm sorry but the answer is I cant spare anyone."

"Well I tried," I sighed, feel glum.

"Can I get you a drink? I mean," He shrugged and looked at me with a hopeful expression.

"No I'm not staying to drink tonight, Xavier." I felt low. Well, slipped to a new low.

"You're looking good," he said softly.

"Thanks, I'm not feeling that way though." I tapped the padd again and turned, "Ill see ya around."

"Sure," he nodded.

I watched Hyper Nor and Audra McKay come in laughing. They were buddying around like always. Some things just don't change, I sighed. I felt the pang that said I was missing something, again. I glanced at Xavier, remembering what we once had, and then remembered when it all went south and sour. Funny I still liked him despite the short comings and misguided expectations.

Jesse was right I was paralyzed by my own fears. But I had no clue how to grab that bull by the horns and just get over all this. Why did it feel like I was drowning and if I didn't surface I was going to die? Maybe that was it I felt like I was rudderless at the mercy of the winds- I had no direction and no control. Was I trying to overreach and do more then I should or what? I just didn't know-I just didn't know!

I was still feeling the pangs of doubt when I looked at Marcus Foresters intensely blue eyes. They were so vivid they almost glowed, captivating and vivacious. Eyes are an interesting humanoid feature and I find that I look at them a lot, look into the old window of the soul, to try and discern what exactly the other person was thinking or feeling.

"And those sensors will be on line when, Commander?"

"By fourteen hundred, sir." I replied.

"About that Khynah transcript, were you able to take a look at that?" Forrester looked at the padd in front of him on his desktop.

"I have and I feel that once those sensors are online I can substantiate if the transcripts are true. Right now, it seems like a ploy. I'm not sure what to make of it."

"You read this Mr. Sanchez?" Forrester wondered, looking at Jesse who was sitting to my left.

"I did," Jesse nodded. "I don't like it. Frankly if it means a build up of munitions and a further push into Federation territory: we need to act and we need to alert the Federation first and foremost."

Forrester nodded solemnly.

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I left the meeting feeling bitter. Bitter is the only word I could think of. Heck I felt cross. I flopped on my bed and scrunched a pillow under my chest.

I was beginning to hate this war that wasn't a war with the Khynah. I wanted to be free, spread my wings and fly.

Scientists shouldn't be on warships, maybe we should fight when necessary, but I was feeling sorely like a third wheel, useless and unproductive. This didn't just stem from my personal troubles. It was a growing sense I needed to do more: I was happy as a science officer, I was happy exploring. That's where my heart was. I did not enjoy the military-type life and I now fully understood why many of my officers left at the first hint of trouble. I was a round peg in a square hole: and I felt it keenly. It wasn't logical.

I thought about home, and family, when I glanced at the pictures in the frames. I was dead to them, I had died and they had buried me. I couldn't go to Vulcan, I couldn't go to Caldor. It wasn't an option.

I glanced at the roses and wondered peevishly who sent them with no card, or was it all a big mistake?

The door chimed and I let Jesse in. He hadn't even changed out of his duty uniform yet. He walked in wearing a puzzled expression.

"Have you seen this?" he wondered.

"Seen what? I've been rather busy with repairs."

He handed me a padd and I started to read it when he suddenly spoke. He was standing next to my coffee table and was fussing with the petals of the arrangement. His big fingers were caressing the crimson silkiness of the half opened blooms.

"Cam wait, before you read that I need to say something," he sighed and shot me a peeved look. Clearly he was unhappy about something.

"Alright, I'm listening," I said slowly setting the padd down softly. I looked back up at him crossing my arms, feeling cold. Something about his tone bothered me, like what was going on in his mind wasn't pleasant.

"I was unnecessarily harsh the other day. I spoke...out of turn. I'm sorry."

"No you were absolutely correct in your observations, I am having trouble. I do get paralyzed, to the point I cant think rationally."

He looked at me for a moment, "I sometimes I wonder if I'm talking to you or to Lal."

"Jess," I sighed trying to be diplomatic, "Is there something I should know? Something you haven't told me about or something I'm not remembering? I sense something is wrong, terribly wrong. Or am I just being paranoid? I mean there's some stuff I just don't recall, or if I recall something it doesn't seem quite right. Its really unnerving."

He sighed and paced a bit. I could see the tension in his body. He looked guilty because his eyes wouldn't meet mine.

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I sat back thinking about what Jess had said and stared at the storage container sitting in one corner of my quarters. Another thing that had been nagging at me. Sorting through T'Lal's belongings had not been easy. Most items packed I didn't understand. Other things like her rugs and jewelry I did, and I carefully repacked them into boxes. Ironic really, how in some ways we were alike. How jewelry and rugs became a touchpoint. Some of what I lost on the Endeavour had been returned, through T'lal.

"Commander MacLaughlin?" the comm channel opened.

I stood up from the crate and sighed, "Go ahead." Actually I was feeling pretty peeved because I knew the voice, it was the tech that was working on installing some secondary relays for the new sensor array. I just got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. No one calls me at midnight ship's time to say let play. It means one thing, trouble. And trouble meant that the 1400 deadline might be out viewport.

"Sir we are having trouble interfacing the comm circuit."

"Oh," I sighed. Not where I expected trouble at all. Jesse woke up from on the couch and yawned. He had dozed off after we had talked for a while. "So what's the problem?"

"I cant tell, I think its in one of the algorithms."

"Sub routines? Have you tried bypassing?"

"Keep coming up with illegal operations and registration problems."

"Alright, Ill come down and see what you have. Out." I rubbed my eyebrow and sighed.

"Its always one thing or another."

"Sounds like a misalignment or something. Could be a bad coupler for all I know. Well I've got to track this down."

"Might be in the code, it wouldn't be the first time something arrived with a glitch."

"That's why I wanted a damn engineer to do this! But Noooo, Max has them all busy!"

"Come on between the two of us maybe we can puzzle it out."

"You mean it takes to of us to make one engineer?" I asked feeling sarcastic.

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Jess was at a table in Jake's, against the viewports when I got off duty at noon. He had a padd, but no drink, no grub. He looked pale to me, and he was out of uniform. Perhaps lack of sleep?

"Off and you still are working," I looked at the padd.

"Yeah," he sighed. "No the Khynah are just bothering me. Why? Why cant things change? Why is change always so difficult?"

"I haven't been able to answer that myself. I've been trying to think this thing through and I just cant see why."

"Cam do you ever just dream?" he suddenly wondered with a skeptical glance.

"Who doesn't?" I shrugged wondering what brought that on, "Why is this about the Explorer mission? I got that message."

"Wouldn't it be fun to just explore again?" he said wistfully looking out the viewports.

"Sure that's what I signed up for. Not this solider thing."

"How much leave do ya got?"

"Leave? Humph, I don't know it must be like a year or something. I haven't taken any time in ages. Hey all I could do is scream, and Ill get Medical so fast your head would spin."

He glanced at me for a long moment. Then he looked away with the same guilty expression. "You should follow your dreams," he said softly.

"Dreams," I huffed, "what would it get me?"

He shrugged.

I was feeling low again. I finally discovered what the flowers were all about, and it wasn't what I had thought at all. I felt guilty. One of the techs that was usually covering the labs on the delta shift had been romantically involved with one of the engineering staff. They had had one of those inevitable spats and the roses had been an apology. It was rejected and the roses were left on my bench forgotten, in a fit of anger. I felt double bad: bad that these two had gotten into a fight, and bad because I thought they were for me. Lets face it my self-esteem had been knocked out of whack and I felt terrible. My self esteem had been crushed so low, I couldn't even dare to dream.

Either I needed to go on leave or find a new assignment. I felt miserable. Jess was right in his assessment after all.

I looked at Jess for a moment feeling my heart sink. As much as I loved him this was never going to work. I needed to get away. Too many things had changed. I thought about some of the ideas I had. I needed to go to Vulcan, that much was clear. Actually, I needed to talk to Forrester more then anyone if I was going to pull all this off. This was not the first time these thoughts had crossed my mind. It had been festering for the last few weeks, since word of the Explorer mission had been posted. I could name a thousand reasons to go, to apply. I could name another thousand not to apply. But this increasing itch I had that all this war was wrong, kept my thoughts clouded, irritated. I had approached him earlier and I had received a message that I needed to meet him at 2030.

I excused myself and sought out Forrester. I had to keep this in confidence, I couldn't let Jesse know what I was thinking. It would break his heart. I felt like I was getting approval from my Father, and it wasn't easy.

His blue eyes looked like the Pacific on a clear day, it was a beautiful color.

"Please Cam, sit. I have gotten word from Vulcan: your request was denied."

"Denied?" I sputtered. "But why? I don't understand-"

"Simply, they didn't see the logic in changing your name. I don't think that they have ever heard a case like this."

"Can I appeal?" I wondered feeling rank and defeated. "I mean on the one hand Grandmother shut the door and basically disowned me, Aunt T'Rhea has been supportive, but she always was nice. Why? I don't understand."

Marcus was silent for a minute regarding me, "T'Lal's family, your tending more to think of them in that light?"

I sighed and looked at the ready room ceiling, "That just slipped out, I wasn't thinking. Maybe that's just it, if you can see the line between me and Lal, why can't the court see that I am...well not who I was?"

"I see it because I've known you for a long time. I've seen you in good situations and in bad. Yes you are not the person you once were, your not the officer you once were. Performance aside. I don't know if changing your name is right either. If you want to appeal, I will grant you leave so that you may take care of matters on Vulcan."

"Thank you, sir. " I replied meekly.

"Don't cop out Cam. I know its not like you, and I don't think its like T'Lal either"

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"What is all this?" Jesse wondered as he wandered in my living room. He set down his gym bag and wiped his face with a towel. He'd been working out again, keeping his muscles primed.

I glanced up at him from my book, "just reading since there seems to be nothing else to do."

"You could have come to the gym, you need to work on your certification." He reminded me with a shrug.

"Yeah I'm certifiable alright." I smirked.

"That's not what I meant. What is this anyway?"

"Edgar Rice Burroughs, Robert Heinlien-"

"Burroughs?" he wondered.

"Tarzan of Greystoke, and the Mars books."

"A bit too intellectual for me."

I shrugged, I liked reading. "You'd make a nice Tarzan with your null-g stuff, but I don't know about the behavior of the Lowland Gorilla, that would be awkward."

"I think I see a trend in these titles, Stranger in a Strange Land? Cam what are you thinking?" he wondered looking at the spine of the book. He ignored my Tarzan comment.

"It is possible to explore the idea in a literary manner: it's a subject that has tantalized human for centuries."

"Sounds like a Thesis."

"Curiosity," I shrugged. "And there's the other common theme of human relationships, how do humans deal with each other."

"Psych thesis! So Doctor, how are relations today?"

I actually laughed and felt funny all at once. Reading these stories actually made me feel a bit better. I sobered up when I looked at him. "Jess, I need to go to Vulcan."

"Stranger in a Strange Land, now that makes sense." He sighed. "When?"

"Soon, I'm not sure just when."

"Well maybe when we reach 114. We have to be off the ship anyhow."

"Beryllium sweeps. I know I have been going nuts getting the bio lab packed up, not to mention hydroponics. Lucky we have the modules to do that. It still just a lot of work."

He nodded and gave me a funny glance. He suddenly reached over and tweaked my chin shooting me a half smile, "You do what you need to."

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PT1 The stage is set the band starts playing, suddenly your heart is pounding

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"Please Commander take a seat," the middle aged Vulcan woman gestured at the uncomfortable looking bench. It was too straight and hard in Jesse Sanchez's estimation. He looked at her for a moment and then took it.

"She is sleeping, she is exhausted. This has not been easy for her."

He shook his head and looked at the mosaic IDIC on the wall. The monastery they were in was ancient, on a high mountain top. On Mt. Seleya, the air was thin and the temperature high. He felt cold and clammy, a sure sign of heat exhaustion. The cool of the cavern was welcomed after the hike from the city. There was no ground transportation, and he was not going to weaken. He needed to know how Cam was. She had arrived the night before, coming straight out the mountain while he secured the shuttle and did other things in Shakir City. The sun was setting as he gained the peak and found the worn entrance.

"I am T'Rhea, T'Lal's maternal aunt." she said as a matter of introduction.

Jesse nodded but couldn't find any words. Obviously she knew who he was and was expecting his arrival. How many humans had even come to this spot? He wondered.

"A glass of water Commander? Apparently the climate is not suiting you."

"Its been a while since I was in a clime like this." He explained in a soft voice.

"I can get you a dose of tri-ox that will ease some of the discomfort. I am a scholar, I study humans and their law" she explained. "I am a healer as well, trained in the healing arts; I do know that the compound helps humans adapt. It's a very old, but an effective treatment. It is routine when Federation officials pay visits that a supply is kept around."

"Thank you, I believe the dose I was given earlier has worn off, " he sighed softly, "Is she...ok?"

"She is very tired, it has not been easy. My mother refuses to speak to her. She came to the mountain for not. My mother has been hiding behind the discipline of Gol, I can not achieve reconciliation."

Jesse accepted the water and wished for some ice, but humans were one of the few species that put ice in drinks. He let his head fall back as the cool water went down his throat. He could only think of how welcome it felt now, and how welcome the taste was when he was rescued from the John Glenn. How water took on that special taste when one was dehydrated was a mystery.

His body was not made for Vulcan. It took too much water, he sweated far too much. He looked the lean spare frame of T'Rhea for a moment. She in turn was studying him.

I need my feet under me Jess. Cam had insisted, I need to speak with Lal's aunt. She's the only one that understands what is going on. IF she can make sense out of this, then she can help me. Jesse sighed at the memory of Cam grabbing his arm and tugging at it, imploring him to come with her. She couldn't do it all alone, she needed some emotional support.

"I do not believe that my mother will ever speak to her again," T'Rhea spoke in slightly bitter tones crossing her arms as if she were cold.

"Would you mind explaining this mess to me?" Jesse sighed setting the glass down as T'Rhea prepped the injection.

T' Rhea set the hypo down on a table and sighed. She looked at him with a tilt of her head, "How much do you know?"

"I've been exposed to this sordid tale for a while. I was there when T'Lal died, but I didn't know about the FalTorPan until much later. But I don't understand this nonsense about being kicked out or disowning. I don't know what lead up to Lal's frustrations: I just know the end result."

"Her Katra on the wind," T'Rhea sighed.

"I know that Lal was different."

"T'Lal was different from the day she was born. With her disability, my sister felt it was best for her to be raised far away from this. Unfortunately my sister did not live to carry out that duty. No one knew what became of the child until we were contacted by the Federation. She came to us, a young what you would call a teenager. But it didn't work and I gave her the choice of staying with me or to returning to the realm of Humans and Starfleet. She had dreams and ideas that were not in keeping with life here. Her thoughts were elsewhere. My mother turned her back and refused to acknowledge that this emotional child was one of her blood. No child of her blood would ever have the defect of emotions. Little did she know."

"But the mestiocortex in her brain was damaged," Jess sputtered. "A brain injury."

"A birth defect. You do not understand that anything less then perfect is unacceptable. T'Lal was not a perfect baby."

"But mutations, random genetic-"

"Unacceptable."

Jesse sighed feeling a pang of sorrow for T'Lal. She was neither a child of Vulcan or of her adopted Human parents. She belonged to neither world. Rejected by both, accepted by Starfleet. Humans accepted flaws, embraced differences. His eyes went back to the IDIC.

"Infinite Diversity through Infinite Combinations, isn't what that means? Isn't that hypocritical then?"

T'Rhea nodded slowly with her eyes closed. "That is why I am not an Isolationist or a Purist. I am in that respect, not my mother's daughter. My sister was logical in her quest. That is why I could not turn my back on the child."

"But what about now?"

"Now?" T'Rhea questioned. "T'Lal made a sacrifice according to the Vulcan principle that The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. It was logical."

Jesse blinked thinking it was desperate. It was an act of desperation.

She silently handed him another glass of water, without his asking.

Cam suddenly stood in the doorway, her hair disheveled from sleep she glanced at him with bleary eyes and the focused on T'Rhea.

"I had a nightmare," she whimpered.

"It will be alright, " T'Rhea said softly going to her in an unvlucan like manner gathered the younger woman in her arms and cradled her.

"It was awful!" Cam sobbed into the shoulder of the aunt's gown "It was, I dreamed about some stranger and--"

Her voice was cut off but the mournful tolling of a gong.

"What the--?" Jesse looked about.

Cam suddenly let her head come up with a snap and she looked around like a frightened animal. Her golden eyes wide with an unspoken terror.

T'Rhea glanced around as another toll reverberated off the stone walls. She let go of Cam guiding her to Jess as she let go. He stood and took the terrified and frozen Cam into his arm.

He felt her shiver and whisper "No...no..." in his ear.

T'Rhea returned from the passage into which she had vanished moments before and she gestured to Jesse, "Bring her quickly."

"What is going on?"

"Bring her."

"If you don't know then I'm not taking her anywhere." He insisted, feeling suddenly protective of her.

Cam suddenly let go of him and turned following T'Rhea. "I have to go," she explained her fingers lingering on his a moment, "I have to. Stay."

Jesse stayed for about a minute. He could hear bells tinkling on the evening breeze that was now coming from the passage.

"Damnit Cam MacLaughlin! I am not a dog!" He snorted as he stomped down the passage.

The passage opened into a bowl in the red rock and he stood at what looked like an amphitheater. The floor was sand. A large gong stood at one end. There were many Vulcans standing about. An older woman sat on a litter and there were many bell bearer standing at stiff attention. T'Rhea stood off to one side. Cam had stepped up to the gong and was holding out her hand in a gesture of stop. Her eyes were glaring into those of a young Vulcan male dressed in traditional desert pants and boots.

Jesse worked his way around to T'Rhea watching the exchange of words. They were all speaking in Vulcan and he didn't understand what was being said.

"What's going on?" he whispered to T'Rhea. He breathed hard in the thin air. He felt electric, like something was going to happen.

She held up her hand, "Wait."

"No," Cam said clearly. She said something else and glared at the young Vulcan. Her eyes blinked and she looked about. Her eyes suddenly met Jesse's. Something in the look she shot him made his spine stiffen. She suddenly spoke again in a loud voice looking again at the old woman. She pointed at Jesse. She repeated what she said and pointed emphatically at him. She stood straighter and glared in his direction, crossing her arms as she often did when she was feeling stubborn.

Jesse felt the crowds eyes turn to him. He didn't know what to do.

"What is going on?" he whispered again, this time his mouth tight. T'Rhea held up her and to silence him again.

"T'Rhea what do you have to say? Why is this outworlder here?" wondered the old woman.

"He is here as a companion, Highness. He does not understand our ways."

"Does he understand that he has been chosen as Challenger?"

"No Highness he does not."

"This is illogical," the young male Vulcan insisted.

"She has chosen the challenge. She prefers another, Stivak."

"Then let it be," he said hotly, turning away from her.

"T'Rhea!" Jesse protested, looking to T'Lal's aunt for help.

"I was hoping against hope that this would never happen, that this day would never come!" she said emotion leaking into her speech

"What-" Jesse sputtered thinking if T'Rhea had been Cam then there would be a string of curses coming from her.

"Commander you must understand that while my mother professes the spurning of emotions there is one that drives her, and it has gone too far. I will be right back, please listen carefully to what T'Pang instructs you to do. I will be right back."

He stood on the sand and sighed, helpless as a sash was tied about his waist. Thinking better of the lingering heat, his uniform jacket had been shed earlier during the hike. The day had not cooled yet, the rock holding the heat. He was glad he had packed the sleeveless version of his uniform shirt.

Cam sat on an ancient heavy bench with an arrogant grace, her eyes not meeting anyone's. He looked at her and shrugged. Her eyes remained on the rim of rock above his head. She sat with the grace of a queen despite her wearing the Vulcan version of pajamas and robe, which looked to him like an embroidered gown. Did Vulcans have lingerie? He mentally kicked himself to purge the thought from his mind.

T'Rhea returned her skirts gathered in her hand to keep her from tripping as she hurried. She sighed and watched the assistants working. She looked at Stivak for a long moment.

Jesse looked at the Vulcans features in the flickering torchlight. He looked distorted. He blinked thinking it must be a trick of the light.

"A dose of the Tri-ox," she whispered, "You'll need it."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's," she paused. "you don't understand Plaktau? The blood fever?"

"No not at all. Blood fever? Is that some kind of Vulcan disease?"

"No it's the imbalance of hormones due to PonFarr."

Pon..Ponfarr?! Jesse suddenly looked up and glanced between Cam and Stivak. "You mean that's the guy that T'Lal rejected? I thought she wasn't bonded!"

"Apparently she was."

"Against her will?!"

"Humans find the thought repulsive, I think ,I'm not speculating, because that is a crime. It has happened. I told you my mother was desperate."

"I do not understand that woman at all. Why would she force her granddaughter--"

"She is old and bitter, I believe is the term humans use. My niece has an interesting vocabulary."

"I donna-"

"Mind meld," she explained simply. "I acquired some understanding though the meld. I understand why she would choose you as her champion. But I'm warning you. He will try and kill you to win her."

"I don't-" T'Rhea turned away and walked over to where Cam was seated.

A weapon was thrust in his hands. Jesse looked at the half-moon blade, razor sharp, the 1.5 meter shaft and the bulbous weighted end. His practiced hand found its center of balance and his eyes studied what kind of blade this was. It was a slashing blade, not a thrusting one, although with its shape it would cut a broad swath, not unlike a guillotine.

"No I will not fight!" he thrust the blade into the sand.

Stivak looked at him in a mix of hot contempt and passion.

"Then the woman is his, forfeit!" the old woman said.

"No I'm not forfeiting her," Jesse said frustrated. "No she's a free person to choose whomever!"

"You must understand that this is our way out worlder, she is not free to choose. She will be your wife, If you win her."

"Women are not bought and sold like cattle!" Jesse shouted, "They are not property!"

"Yes, it is logical. With your refusal YOU FOREFIT." Stivak ran to her and grabbed her arm pulling her from her seat. She shrieked partially in surprise and partially in anger. Her arm twisted sharply. She broke the grip with a practiced twist .

Suddenly Jesse found the lirupa in his hands and the blade at Stivak's throat, "Touch her again and you're a dead man."

"Then fight HUMAN."

"FINE!" he spat.

Cam retreated to her seat rubbing her arm. T'Rhea rested a protective hand on her shoulder and whispered something to her.

---------------------------------------------

PT 2: Battle in the Sand

---------------------------------------------

Stivak circled him slowly the lirupa held before him like a pike.

Jesse took one step back carefully shifting his weight to the balls of his feet. He took a deep slow breath releasing it slowly. He relaxed into his hips allowing his knees to soften into the position balanced just so for his spring. He kept the lirupa low, watching carefully how Stivak held the weapon. He let his fingers relax so he held it in a firm yet light grip. He took another deep slow breath trying to get as much oxygen into his blood and tissues as he could. The thin air was a problem, one he was accustomed to on XanorII but it had been over a year since his system had been adjusted. He remembered the tricks.

Stivak came at him with a lounge he flicked the weighted end ad deflected the blow.

The Vulcan came around him and he kept his eye on him first with a turn of his head then his shoulders followed with a pirouette.

The Vulcan shifted the lirupa's weight in his hands an came again, his eyes wild with fury.

I'm fighting defense, Jesse thought. Offense, how to switch? He shifted the lirupa.

Stivak came at him swinging wildly, it was as if he had completely lost focus and was attacking blind, like an animal. Jesse counterswung and the blades hooked on each other, Jesse found himself rolling over on his shoulder in the sand. He pulled trying to unbalance Stivak. The Vulcan tumbled with a soft grunt they both rose to their feet at the same time. The lirupas still against each other. There was a green line on his cheek.

Jesse turned swiftly , planted his left foot and put his shoulder down. He shoved with all his might on the lirupa, low like a tackle was trained to do. Get under your opponent and unbalance him. Hit low.

Stivak unbalanced and rolled harmlessly away coming to his feet. He immediately lounged at Sanchez his arms up lirupa behind his head like a bat.

Jesse ducked and came in low again. Jesse bared his teeth and pushed again. The lirupas crashed together and the butt of Stivak hit Jesse in the side of his face.. His vision suddenly went red and he couldn't see. He staggered back the lirupa loose in his hand.

Stivak seeing blood came in with a cry swiping with the blade.

Jesse brought his arm up as fast as he could deflecting the blow. Momentum took the blade forward and down, biting into the sand.

His lungs burned as he fought to take a breath. He took two before Stivak came in swinging.

He pulled the lirupa free from the sand and brought his shaft horizontal. The two met and Jesse's shafts broke with a clang. The head fell to the sand in one direction, the weighted end left in his hand with about half a meter of the shaft left.

Stivak fell back for a second the suddenly swung again. Jesse kicked and tumbled out of the lirupa's way. In the tumble his fingers slid off the short shaft and the weighted end also fell.

Jesse ground his teeth and sucked in a breath. He spat some sand out of his mouth and came to his feet.

Stivak swung again his eyes and expression more maddened then before. Jesse fell back heavily, his leg twisting under him. He was off balance and fatigue was making his recovery slow. He looked. The pieces of his lirupa lay not far and as he hit the sand his fingers were already reaching for anything. His fingers found their mark and his hand closed around the shaft. He picked it up awkwardly and swung it forward. He felt the reverberation though his hand at the same instant his leg went into scalding pain.

He suddenly looked up, from the corner of his eye he saw Stivak raise the lirupa's blade over his head: it was crimson. He tried to turn and pull away. His leg fell uselessly aside as his fingers dug into the sand.

"FROKA!" A voice suddenly cut through the silence, sounding alien and harsh.

He waited for the blow that didn't come. He closed his eyes against the pain as footsteps approached and someone tugged the broken lirupa from his hand. He relaxed and felt his shoulder blades sink into the sand that still held the warmth of day.

He felt each breath as his lung greedily sucked air, it burned. The dry air burned. He looked up at the darkening sky that was quickly loosing twilight. The stars were appearing, glistening on the black velvet of night. He could feel the cut on his face throbbing with all his veins opened. He could feel nothing of his leg.

In the back of his mind someone screamed "Don't MOVE!!!" It sounded like his old football coach.

"I'm not gonna move coach." He replied through cracked lips.

Someone held some water to his lips, someone was cradling his head. He worked his eye open and peered at T'Rhea. He let the water trickle down his throat.

He could hear voices speaking in Vulcan and it sounded like gibberish.

Warm and gentle hands move him sending his mind into a scream of agony as someone moved his leg. He realized that he was being carried somewhere with a gentle sway.

-------------------------------------------

PT 3: The Courts Decision

-------------------------------------------

Cam watched in stunned silence as they carried him away. She was paralyzed.

T'Rhea straightened up and walked over to her. She turned her attention to the new arrival.

Sikak had arrived as quickly as permitted. Sikak was the head judge in the court that covered this providence. T'Rhea had called him when things had apparently gone wrong. This went beyond tradition, beyond religion that was powerless to stop it. Legal intervention seemed the only logical recourse. As an officer of the court and of the diplomatic corps, she had the judges ear, she knew this was an answer.

"I see I was not urgent enough to prevent that Starfleet officer from coming to harm."

"He will live," T'Rhea said sharply.

"I found record of the communiqué in question. There was a petition before the courts in the matter of T'Lal's request for a name change. I had not reviewed the evidence, nor rendered judgment."

"My commanding officer Cpt. Forrester said he had and that my petition was denied. I was going to appeal," Cam said slowly standing next to T'Rhea.

"There was no decision." He said flatly and looked at T'Rhea. "Have you begun your assessment as I requested?"

"I did. I began this when she arrived last night looking for assistance."

"What have you found?"

"That this person is not my niece. I sense my niece but this is not her."

"And T'Pun?"

"My mother refuses to see her. My mother either does not know, or refuses to acknowledge what has happened."

"What happened here?"

"Kunhit Kalefea," T'Rhea said softly. "Stuvik went Plaktau. She choose the challenge. She was unbounded,or so I was lead to understand. I do not understand how this happened."

"What do you call yourself?"

"Cam. Commander Cam MacLaughlin, sir."

"Do you understand what happened here?"

"No sir," Cam struggled rubbing her brow trying to think, "from my reading I understand that this was part of Stuvik's Ponnfar. But as far as I knew, I...simply I don't know who he is. I came here hoping I could straighten out this mess left by the FalTorPan<to straighten out my legal status and identity. I didn't expect this."

"You lie! You do not want-" Stuvik shouted in an emotional tirade. Cam glanced at him. His eyes betrayed the underlying madness of Plaktau. "You would try anything to get out of this."

"Stuvik silence. FalTorPan Commander?"

"Yes I went through an abrupt...your honor, I am not Vulcan, I am Human. My Spirit, my soul was born in a human body. I am not insane this really happened."

"T'Rhea?"

"She speaks the truth."

"T'Pang?" Stivak turned to the high priestess who had quietly walked over with her heavy staff in hand.

"I have never heard of a FalTorPan with a human. I have never heard of one being performed outside this monastery, not in two thousand years. It is simply not possible."

"It did happen!" Cam protested. "How can I prove-"

"Silence, child," T'Rhea patted her shoulder.

Cam was looking sadly at the red blood in the sand. It had stained the light grains dark. She felt her stomach twist, she wanted to vomit.

"My mother also does not acknowledge that this could happen," T'Rhea explained. "since my niece left ten years ago, she had denied that she ever had a granddaughter. She left after a bitter feud concerning a bonding with Stuvik."

"Stuvik, what say you?"

"She did leave but only after the old woman made arrangements. We were bonded. She was emotional. She still is. She is mine!!!"

Cam huffed and wanted to say, your nothing but an asshole bully. That's what it was, she hated you because you are a hypocrite and emotional yourself. In fact you are cruel. You enjoy blood sport. You act like a Romulan!

T'Rhea shot her a look and blinked. Cam suddenly realized that T'Lal's aunt had been holding her arm. I'm transmitting she thought.

"Is there a room where I can have privacy?" Sikak asked.

"This way Honor." T' Rhea gestured towards the wing of the monastery she knew had rooms to conduct private matters. It was close to the infirmary. She debated going in and seeing what was going on, but decided it was logical not to interfere at this point. She was needed in attendance of the Court.

---------------------------------------------

"You have no understanding why this happened?" Sikak asked as Cam MacLaughlin sat slowly down straightening her robes around her. He needed to interview her to make his decision. With so many around he felt that it was logical to speak to each of the parties individually to make the logical decision.

"I didn't know, I don't even know what I did. It was instinctual. I knew, but I didn't know."

"You put the petition in for the name change," he prompted.

"Three weeks ago. I thought it was rather senseless try and keep using my old name. When people say 'Cam MacLaughlin' they think of a human. Clearly I'm not Human. When people say 'T'Lal Begay' they think of a Vulcan, but my emotions and behavior are not that of a Vulcan. I thought it logical that if I was a new person, then I needed a new name. Thus avoiding confusion?"

Sikak settled in his seat and steepled his fingers. He thought for a moment. "Would you share your thoughts? I am trying to understand and that our mind directly communicating would be beneficial."

"If it helps," she said softly. She felt harshly embarrassed, "I'm not much of a melder, I was not trained."

"I read your case file on the trip here."

----------------------------------------------

She stood in silence at his bedside. Her fingers touched his bruised brow where someone had been working with a dermal regenerator. He had been taken off the delta wave emitter to be interviewed by Sikak, and Cam quietly wondered how the logical Judge dealt with the illogic of a Human, confused an in pain. If he wasn't in pain, then loopy from painkillers, like he was now. He was back on the emitter to keep the pain under control.

"Waltzin' m'tlda waltzin'm'tldayoull come a waltzing Mat'lda widme..." Jesse mumbled softly.

T'Rhea blinked again and crossed her arms, "Do you know what this is about?"

"The delta emitter must be scrambling his brains. Its an old Australian folksong. Sometimes humans just react, he doesn't know he's singing, he's not aware of it. But he just sings. Some mumble some are silent. Everyone is affected differently, " Cam said softly looking at the blankets. Her stomach twisted again in a painful cramp.

T'Rhea noted what had caught her attention," The artificial bones shattered. The graft saved him, otherwise the lirupa would have severed the femoral artery and he would have bled to death."

"The graft," she sighed. "It was old. It was done when he was younger. Football injury. He never told me that he lost the leg."

"It was a knee implant, an artificial knee with artificial tibia and femur. The Surgeon feels that a whole graft, an artificial leg would be best. From the hip joint. Strongest, considering his needs."

"I know," Tears welled in her eyes tears she had been fighting all night. Her heart hung heavy with guilt. "I don't know if I will heal T'Rhea, I did this to him and I feel so...shitty."

"'N he sang as he sat 'neth the shade ofda coolibah tree...waited 'til his billy boiled.."

"You know It would almost be funny," T'Rhea looked at her with a glance and brushed the tear away.

"How? Humor is not logical."

"How many patients do you think they have had that sing?" she asked.

"Singing isn't logical."

"That correct."

Someone walked in and in a soft voice said "T'Rhea, Sikak has his decision."

T' Rhea sighed and looked at her, "Chin up, remember you're Vulcan. No tears."

"But Aunt Rhea, I feel so.."

"I know what you feel child, I know." She soothed, "I will be out in a short time."

Cam walked out slowly and stood in silence on the sand not far from the gong and firepit. The nights inky black held back by the lights she had not noticed earlier. Her heart pounded in her side, not in her chest, in her side. It struck her as strange. Heart where a liver should be...

She looked at the faces around her and wasn't sure what to think.

The Judge Sikak standing apart. T'Pun, Lal's grandmother; Stivak and the officiating priestess, T'Pang, stood in a loose group. They didn't look at her.

Cam shook her head slightly. Centuries of tradition stood in this rocky bowl. Centuries of weddings, bonding. Two becoming one. She had been so wrong. So wrong. She looked at the hem of her gown clutched in her fingers and fumbled with the fabric. She fought the urge to rip the gown from her and take the black teal and gray of her familiar uniform. That was who she was afterall. Not this.

"T'Pun daughter of T'Pau, daughter of T'Para, what do you have to say for your actions?" Sikak insisted.

"I have nothing to say."

"T'Rhea, Daughter of T'Pun Daughter T'Pau what do you have to say for your actions?"

"I did was logical for the girl." T'Rhea answered bluntly as she stood beside Cam.

Cam heard a soft "shit" behind her and turned. Jesse was hobbling out on crutches looking pale and out of breath. She felt her heart rate pick up. T'Rhea gave her a soft poke in the ribs. Cam blinked and turned back to Sikak.

"T'Lal Daughter of T'Paul, Daughter of T'Pun, otherwise known as Cam MacLaughlin what do you choose? Do you choose the bonded or the Challenger?"

"I choose the Challenger." She glanced out of the corner of her eye.

"Jesse Mitchell Sanchez, son of Juan Raymond Sanchez, Son of Roberto Emillio Sanchez: Do you accept this decision?"

"I accept," Jesse said attempting firmness despite his swirling head.

"Then it is the finding of this court that T'Pun is guilty of conspiracy. You will be stripped of all your possessions, of your position. You will be confined to the T'that'ka Monastery for the remainder of your life. Your Katra will be on the wind, when you die. Your actions directly lead to the Katra of your only granddaughter to be lost. Therefor you shall endure the same fate. The bond between the son of Stilk and the daughter of T'Paul was not made in good faith, and is therefore null and void. The dowry will be returned. T'Rhea, as the eldest living daughter you will assume all possessions and holdings, therefore becoming the matriarch of this clan. This includes the responsibility for the education and welfare of the Daughter of T'Paul being the only daughter of the clan. The Girl known as T'Lal also known as Cam MacLaughlin, is your daughter. Therefore it is your decision to name her as such, and to accept the bond that she has chosen for herself. Choose the name wisely and with logic, for she is unique among the people. My decision is final: it is logical."

------------------------------------------

PT 4: Walkabout

-----------------------------------------

T'Rhea walked through the field of tiny plants behind the Great House. For centuries the house had stood against the winds of Vulcan's summer. It was cool and pleasant in the dwelling, and now with the approaching sunset she walked in the fields that were now hers. She was looking for a particular plant and she stopped when she found it.

Behind her trailed Cam dressed in a different gown this one of light blue. She walked slowly as her friend limped along on his new leg. Two days out of the hospital and he was already gimping along, up and about.

T'Rhea tilted her head and watched the two of them. Odd humans. She blinked thinking, this is my daughter, the baby of my sister that I held in my arms when she was wet and new. The child I thought was lost. Look at her now, what she has grown into. Look at what she has become: a young woman, about to be wed, if she chooses to be bonded to the man. Wise beyond her years because of an odd accident: the girl I knew, the woman she became. A headstrong yet venerable officer. Not given to logic like Surak, but that was acceptable. It was IDIC. She was new, full of promise just like the day she came into the world.

She didn't mind the big human following her limping along with his funny gait. He wasn't a bad human at all. He was rather duty oriented, firm in his ideas. He had strong feelings but most importantly he kept the idea of the needs of the many before him. Starfleet was very compatible in its ideal with the teachings of Surak. Most Humans she had ever encountered were a rather disorienting blur of emotions, leaping for one to the next in the most illogical of ways. Decisions change one moment to the next. This Jesse (an odd name) was not like this, even if he made no attempt to curb his feelings. Once he made a discussion he stuck to it. She had to almost laugh, because she herself had not become a follower of Surak, even if she had been in the monastery. She was there as a healer. And to be a healer she found she needed to understand emotions, and feel compassion, to best serve her patients. She was a trained Doctor but she also took care of the Katra. Because of her understanding of emotions, she also acted as an advisor to the Courts and an advisor to the Ambassador to the Federation. She didn't mind the thought of his being a member of the clan at all. Hers was a very tiny clan, including herself, T'Lal, and her two brother's families: all sons on that side. She had been bonded once, but no children. Her Betrothed was killed with her sister's family in the Cardassain attack. The sole survivor being the very young T'Lal. Frankly she was not concerned with what the two brothers thought of having a human in the family (if that was to be). Her word was it, and there would be no question. But knowing the brothers, it wasn't going to be a problem. They too had expressed discontent with T'Pun's actions. It wasn't logical, especially from one who professed the ideals of Gol.

The question was what did T'-Cam think of this? Did Jesse understand all of what was going on and what all was involved in the blending of the two cultures? T'Rhea sighed softly and vowed that she should read the writings of Ambassador Sarek, maybe he could shed some light on this.

She knelt and touched the flower bud.

Cam stopped at her side looking down. Jesse took a quiet sip from the water bottle he had in his hand.

Human needed too much water! T'Rhea laughed to herself. But he was looking better and his breathing seemed easier.

"Can I have that please?" she asked .

"Wha' you need a drink Rhea?" he wondered.

"No I have something to show you." She took the bottle and uncapped it. A waste of water but well worth it if this works!

The tiny plant instantly responded to the splash opening up a frilly white flower edged in magenta.

"It responds to rain," Cam said bending down. "It closes as a survival method, living in dehydration."

"Ever the scientist," T'Rhea noted.

Cam shrugged softly, "Sorry that was habit."

"Do you know the plant? It is called the Kh'm'Rynn. It blooms only after rain."

"Which is like never," Jesse said glancing about.

"It is very rare." T'Rhea nodded, as she straightened. She looked at Cam, "Like the tears of a Vulcan. You are the only Vulcan I know that can cry, that knows how to cry."

Cam looked at her with a slight frown. He head gave a small shake of bewilderment.

"I want to name you Cam'Rynn after the flower. I want you to continue to carry the name Tan'ncesh after the rock found in the Kamath Mountains, it has been the clan name for two centuries.. Your full Vulcan name is Cam'Rynn Tan'ncesh T'Lal Camille MacLaughlin because it is only logical. That is who you are. You are part of this clan, and this clan part of you. To another Vulcan you are Cam'Rynn; to human Camille MacLaughlin"

"But Rhea, that's illogical!" Cam sputtered.

"Is it? You have taught me many things in the last few days. I understand far more what it means to be human. T'Lal was part of this family and she is part of you, her Katra will be remembered that way."

"But the bond?" Cam wondered. "What about-"

"You will make it when you choose. Formalize it, as you choose. By legal statute you are his."

"No," she pinched her nose and shook her head, " I'm not sure how naming works; the structure of it."

"If your wondering? The female takes the males surname. You would take Sanchez as in human tradition. You are his property. So it would be Cam'Rynn Tan'ncesh T'Lal Camille Sanchez."

"No I'm am not!" Cam stomped her foot. "Why does it always come back to that? How can you have a matriarchal society and have this property nonsense going on?! Women are NOT the property of the male."

"Because it is not truly Matriarchal, not in the sense that humans use the definition. It is a co-existence and because the female is the nurturing unit, it is logical. Males will be the leaders, the providers. Without providers there would be no nurturing. Females maintain the Family and the male provides; and that's how its defined. It is logical. When I pass, you will be the head of the family with my brothers wives under you. It is inheritance. You still carry the Tan'ncesh genomes and you would pass it to your daughters if you had daughters. But you will answer to your Uncle Stov. You are still thinking like a human, you cling to human ideas of property."

" How can I not think that way Rhea? I was raised that way. My mom, my human mother taught me that I was an equal to a man-any man. I would pass that to my daughters," she suddenly paused whispered in realization

"No, Your mesiofrontal cortex causes the problem. That is why she and your father decided to take you away from here, away from T'Pun. There is such an element of illogic to the whole process, she wanted you to be raised free from the traditional encumbrances. My sister was an un conventional person as was your father."

"Unnka Sak was killed," Cam frowned, feeling the tickle of a memory.

"Yes, and I ... miss him." T'Rhea sighed. Cam blinked and looked at Jesse who suddenly looked away blushing.

"What is this flush of blood?" T'Rhea asked.

"I don't like this talk of," He grumphed. "This whole thing is uncomfortable. I cant grasp this idea of her having two complete families."

"Jess all she's saying is that if you and I--"

Jesse glared at her and turned another few shades of red.

"I will let you two work this out." T'Rhea sighed and turned back to the house.

"For a Vulcan she is emotional."

"She is," Cam smiled. "And she meant no harm."

"I cant think of her as your mother."

"All mothers have to have that little talk when their kids start becoming adults. It was logical to point these things out. Besides she's my adopted mom if that's any easier."

"Well I didn't need the Vulcan version of the puberty talk."

"She approves of you as her son by marriage."

"Horse pucky!"

"Jess she's not stupid, she knows exactly how I feel about you!"

"I know I know. She knows how I feel about you as well. It was a question that had to be answered to straighten out this mess."

"Then why are you embarrassed?"

"Aren't you?"

"No. Because that woman in three days has become more of a mother then my mom!"

Jess sighed and shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"You're stiffening up lets get back to the house. This is too much on your hip."

"Ill be fine," he groused.

T'Rhea continued to walk to the house listening to the banter carried on the wind. She let herself smile her heart light. This was happiness and she let it wash over her like the wind.

Pt 4 The bond that ties

"What is involved anyway?" Jesse asked as he pushed what only could be described as a chunk of broccoli around his plate. It didn't taste like the dreaded stuff, but it certainly looked the same. He sighed sharply wishing for a thick steak, or at the very least a bowl full of Blue Cheese dressing. He was getting rather sick of the vegetarian diet.

Cam glanced at him and took a deep breath.

T'Rhea took a sip of her water watching him. She composed herself and explained, "It is very simple: the children are brought to Mt Seleya, and the bonding is done. The families are in attendance and the bond is set by the priestess."

"Children?" Jesse asked skeptically.

"The equivalent of your age six."

"I cant imagine being betrothed or whatever you call it, before I started school."

"Betrothed is the correct term," T'Rhea said softly. "If I read your expression correctly, you are uncomfortable with the idea."

"I don't understand a lot of this, and I'm tryin' but," he paused casting a pained look at Cam.

"There are many ideas that we have that are hard for other cultures to understand. For instance, the lack of emotions. We have emotions they are just kept in sharp check, for those who go through the Kolinhor, then they embrace the lack of emotions, but this is not all, but a select few. Keeping emotions in check are a learned habit from childhood. We do not give in to our passions, but rather look for answers in logic. We as a people pay the price dearly when it comes to the matter of PonnFar, that is why it is not something we discuss freely, nor in polite company. It is something very few out worlders know, or understand. I believe its rather like the taboo surrounding your menses among humans, is it not?"

"Known about but not discussed, that sums it up," Cam replied softly. "I guess we humans have our societal secrets as well."

"Hell, you could write a whole doctoral thesis on that," Jesse shrugged with a snort.

"I have remember? The traditions of the Navaho and Vulcan healers. If I only knew then what I know now! So much for anthropology!"

"But that was a discussion of ancient-" Jesse blurted.

"Yes ancient traditions! If I had only had access to the text I've been working with, I might have changed my conclusions. Jess, you don't understand what I see now! Lal had an education in both cultures!"

"It wasn't coincidence then," T'Rhea observed.

"Lal and I spent a lot of time talking about this, I found it fascinating!"

Jesse watched her carefully set her fork down and steeple her fingers. They trembled ever so slightly and she glanced at him with hesitant eyes.

"Your Uncle Stov's youngest boy is to be bonded tomorrow," T'Rhea said softly. "As the boy's Aunt, I must attend."

"I don't know if I can face the others, yet." Cam replied softly.

"I understand," T'Rhea said softly. "Your attendance is not mandatory."

------------------------------------------

Jesse watched her in gentle sleep. She lay on her side on the mattress her hair loose and delicately veiling her face in a dark shadow. The individual hairs moved slightly as she breathed lightly in and out. She took a deep breath, her and twitched and she rolled further on her back. Somewhere out in the desert, an animal called softly.

Jesse knelt by the bed and let his fingers brush her upturned palm. His mind clouded and he gently bent over and kissed her softly parted lips. he stood and walked out onto the balcony that overlooked the courtyard and the far mountains. The night was soft, with a breeze whispering, carrying the scents of many night blooming plants. the desert was alive. He glanced back at her for a moment his mind a whirlpool of thought. He looked up at the stars scattered across the ebony sky, shining like jewels.

"You cannot sleep," T'Rhea noted when he appeared at the gate of the house.

She studied his figure as he limped towards the gate, studied his powerful broad shoulders. He was built like no Vulcan ever was, his muscles strong and rippling. He was not a wiry thin creature of the desert, made to out run the enemy. He was made to face danger head on, no expense spared. He was nearly as strong as a thin Vulcan, by sheer mass. He was dressed in typical desert clothes with traditional soft soled boots on his feet. The flowing cloak was open to the cool night air.

"No I cant sleep, I feel restless."

"Is it about the bonding?" T'Rhea wondered softly.

"T'Rhea, I mean no disrespect, but I feel that there must be some mistake, some error in my judgment or something. I cannot...I will not hold her bound in an agreement I cannot keep. What if she decides this is a mistake? She is afterall a human. She is still learning all that she can about Vulcan, I don't think she sees all these implications. I don't know if I can marry her and condemn her to a life with me, a life with no hope...void of love."

"You are thinking emotionally," T'Rhea observed.

"Its the way I am! I'm not a student of logic, I'm not a follower of Surak!"

"She is not either."

"Lal said she sensed something between us, just before she died. Sensed that we were in our own way bonded, can that be?"

"Perhaps," T'Rhea actually sighed. "Death is a difficult thing."

"But is it logical to be bonded like your nephew? I'm not and she is not...no matter what the courts found."

"I think that the judge realizes that, but it released you and her from an obligation. No he could have just as easily ordered her to honor the bond even if it was made ten years ago. To Stivak."

"No one should be forced into something," He said in soft bitter tones.

"It is our way." T'Rhea studied him for a long moment, "What makes you think that your marriage would be a loveless one? I do not see the reasoning behind it."

"Humans are known to change their minds. What if one day I wake up and find I don't love her any more?"

"Then you never truly loved her to begin with." T' Rhea sighed, "The bond ensures that you will be drawn together at the right time."

"I'm gonna die before her, then what?"

"She will survive, I did. 'It is a far better thing to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all.'"

Jesse silently contemplated the mountains far away on the horizon.

"I trust my niece's judgement."

"What do you mean?" Jesse wondered.

"She saw --sensed something between you. She would not lie about something like that."

"Vulcans don't lie," Jesse shrugged.

"That is the truth." T' Rhea said gently, "You do what you must: but always follow your heart. That is something I have learned. You must be true to yourself, that is human nature. Searching for logic is not the answer."

Pt 5:Observations

Kate MacLaughlin smoothed her curly copper hair and sipped her wine.

The USS Alliance seemed a sunnier place since the beryllium sweep. Post departure from DS13, the crew seemed happier as if they were settling into their new role with new orders. The war was over and the pallor that settled on the ship was gone. She was once again out there to do what she had been designed, and the crew was happy.

With one exception. One notable exception. Lt Cmdr. Jesse Sanchez, Security Chief, was not a happy camper. He was rather withdrawn and quiet since his return from Vulcan. His hair had been bleached by the sun, his skin bronzed, he looked healthy except for the slight limp you would never have known anything had happened. But Kate could tell. Her friend had lost his thunder. Maybe others didn't see it but she did. Something was defiantly wrong; something had defiantly changed since he had gone to Vulcan with Cam.

He stood not far from Cpt Marcus Forrester as they greeted the guests at the diplomatic function the ship was hosting. A lot of Starfleet dignitaries and ambassadors from all over being ferried to the signing of the agreement between Den'ha and the worlds of the Federation. Jesse looked good in his dress uniform with its stiff collar and trim jacket in white. The ladies had the option of wearing formal wear or their dress uniforms, and since it was a party tonight, most choose the full gowns. The soft sound of rustling taffeta was welcome. Kate sighed missing Peter MacLaughlin even Emil Gessard, her first husband. Parties and dressing up felt romantic and she longed for a companion like Peter.

The doors to Jake's swished open softly to admit the Ambassador from Vulcan and his entourage. All were wearing the traditional robes of the desert world, heavy with embroidery. The ambassador walked with his bonded on his fingertip in an ever so logical manner.

Jesse and Forrester looked up from their quiet conversation and looked at the delegation. Jesse leaned and said something to Forrester and they both walked to where the Vulcans stood.

Jesse foot was about on the two steps that lead to the landing when the door opened again. He stopped mid-stride and his back stiffened noticeably.

A middle aged Vulcan woman in a not quite so luxuriant robe stepped in followed by the ruffle of silk taffeta.

Comdr. Cam MacLaughlin picked up her hem slightly and looked up at Jesse. She paused for a moment her gaze in his. Suddenly she flushed and her eyes dropped. Her dark hair was pulled into a French twist, leaving her long neck bare. At her throat glittered some jewels. Her low bodice clung to her thin form and the train swept behind her in a cascade of changing color. It was a rich deep blue, shifting into deep purple. Her eyes raised to his again as he held out a hand to help her down the steps.

"Ambassador Solmak welcome aboard the USS Alliance, we are here to serve." Cpt Forrester spoke in clear tones.

"Most logical Captain, may I complement you on your fine ship and crew, she indeed does a service to the Federation."

Forrester nodded, "May I present my chief of Security, LtCmder Jesse Sanchez, and my first Officer, Cmdr. Rebecca Sinclair."

"Greetings, ambassador." Rebecca said graciously.

"May I present she who is my wife, T'Lil and my administrative assistant, T' Rhea."

T'Rhea nodded softly to the captain.

A small smile crossed Jesse's face when he looked at T'Rhea. There was something in her expression a glint in her eye. Kate puzzled for a moment.

"Commander Sanchez and I know each other well," T'Rhea said softly.

The ambassador looked at her for a moment then he nodded, "Your sister's daughter's betrothed? The human you spoke of?"

"That is correct."

Forrester blinked twice and glanced at Sanchez.

Rebecca Sinclair played poker and glanced at Sanchez as well.

"T' Rhea has spoken well of you commander,"

"I am at your service Ambassador," Jesse nodded.

"I will leave you to your discussion. Captain I would like a word with you about the upcoming signing."

"By all means Ambassador, please take refreshment and we can talk freely," Forrester guided the other towards the drinks and food at the far end of the room.

Cam stood with T'Rhea for a moment not looking at Jesse. She suddenly stepped over to the bar where Kate stood. She smiled at her sister and quickly ordered a Tilalaian Fizzywater.

"Come over, you've got to meet my aunt." She urged.

"Your Aunt?"

"Lal's aunt-oh this is complicated. Come on."

"Wait what is this about a betrothal?"

"Oh that, well...emmm... Jesse and I are... engaged?" Cam sputtered.

"Bonded, Cam use the right word." Jesse sounded peeved and embarrassed as he stepped up and ordered a beer.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kate wondered.

"We didn't because well its," Cam paused. "Just not official. Wait, I want to take this to Rhea."

"Jesse what's wrong?" Kate watched Cam leave for a moment, "Your really not feeling well are you?"

"No I'm not, does it show that badly?"

"It does! What's eating you? We can talk, you've listened to me enough."

"Kate that's nice but I really don't know where to begin."

"Try the beginning."

"haha," he grumbled.

"Ever since you got back from Vulcan you've been acting differently."

"Look at her," he muttered taking the beer from Jake. "She's spent the day giving a tour of the ship to an ambassador, looking like a model officer. Look at her now, she's so-"

"That's not the problem, what is?"

"How did you feel when Peter asked you, or Emil for that matter?"

"I was happy."

"I'm not happy," he insisited.

"You're scared, scared of the responsibility."

"I don't know if that's it or not. I have the legal claim. On Vulcan I am her husband."

"So why the long face?"

"I'm not sure. I thought I was sure but I'm not sure."

"She looks good. She looks much better then she did a few weeks ago, before the trip. She seems more at ease with herself."

"I don't know, its just so," he paused and sighed.

"Its not official, I'm not sure I understand what that means."

"When the time is right the bond draws us together. And-"

"OH! Now it makes sense. There's nothing wrong with that." Kate rubbed his arm, "What's wrong then?"

"I don't know, except I'm uncomfortable."

"Well the beans certainly got spilled."

He nodded, "I know. Cripes."

"That was an interesting announcement, Mr. Sanchez," Forrester said softly as he walked up to the bar. "I didn't know you had connections to the Vulcan diplomatic corps."

"I'm really sorry, sir, I-" Jesse's eyes fell to the flooring. "Its Cam really. I mean she and I---"

"No apologies Sanchez, I've long suspected something was brewing with you and MacLaughlin. With all the excitement of this treaty, I fully understand. I didn't realize that she had so many connections."

"T'Lal had the connections; Cam stumbled into it."

"T'Lal was an interesting person," Forrester commented.

"That she was," Jesse agreed.

"Tell me Jesse, what kind of person was she? As one who knew her Id be interested in your insight."

"I didn't know her that well,"

"That's baloney Jess, you knew her quite well." Kate snorted.

Forrester glanced between his two officers with a raised eyebrow.

"I," Jesse sighed draining his beer and gesturing for another, "Found her rather attractive if you know what I mean sir."

"There's no harm in that," Forrester glanced over to where Cam stood with her Aunt. "There's no harm in a man admiring an attractive other."

"You asked what kind of person she was, well she was an enigma. Simple as that: an Enigma. Vulcan raised human. Not a discipline of logic , but logical."

"She was very brave, very logical, but she had her moments where she acted human." Kate added.

"In your estimation how much of T'Lal is there?"

"You mean how complete was the FalTorPan? How much of Lal's underlying personality is there? I cant say. I don't think there's very much at all. Cam is...Cam."

"Interesting," Forrester sighed.

"How so?"

"It just is, Jesse, it just is. I need to go speak with the Allonian ambassador, excuse me."

Kate watched the captain for a moment, "she doesn't remember much about the Glenn does she?"

"No," Jesse shook his head.

"She will find out," Kate said in a sing-songy manner.

"Kate I don't know what to tell you. Yes she will figure it out, maybe."

"You and Lal, how could you lie to the captain about knowing her?"

"I didn't KNOW her. I was attracted."

"You made love to her,"

"I did not! I almost did but she-she touched something or I don't know and told me that she could not violate any bond I had. I needed to...to go to Cam and tell her, to love her and stop fooling myself."

"Then the FalTorPan,"

"Then that. Now you know why I'm confused?"

"I guess so, maybe you should stop fooling yourself and go tell her." Kate said softly rubbing his arm.

Jesse blinked at her, "you told me that on the Glenn."

"So I repeat myself. She needs you far more then you realize. She needs to be looked after, she-"

Jesse blinked and swigged his beer,"Looked after? Give me a break."

"She needs you," Kate repeated, "that's what bonding and marriage is about Jesse. That's what made me happy with Peter and Emil. It was the feeling of unity, of partnership. Ask Mira. That's where the happiness lies."

"I wish our esteemed Dr. Montgomery was here. I could use her advice."

"I know," Kate sighed. "But if you want my advice, on the risk of sounding like our counselor, stop fooling yourself. One thing you will NEVER be able to do is fool her. That's why Vulcans don't lie. It just isn't logical."

Kate picked up her glass and watched Jesse weave his way over to Cam and T'Lal's aunt. She shook her head slightly thinking about the secrets that people keep hidden. Was it logical to hold on to guilt and let it eat at you until you had ulcers?

She looked out at the stars again. Life went on and on it would go.