It is hard to put into words the feelings and thoughts surrounding current events. It has seemed that the time from Old Earth Christmas, and the return to 'civilization' from the outpost of Xanor, that life has been nonstop and hectic. Scarcely a minute seems to fly by that isn¹t wrought with change and crisis.

After entering the Officer's Training School and enduing the self doubt and out-of -place feelings being back aboard ship is almost a relief. This isn¹t the same ship, she is different and full of that 'new' smell. She is smaller then the Endeavour, but accommodations are just as pleasant with the square meeters of living space virtually the same. But most of the congenial feeling arrives from being with familiar crew and having the solid presence of Jake tending bar in the new lounge.

I still have not come to terms with the loss of my brother. There is an empty loneliness that aches at my heart. Something missing that just is a dark void.

This coupled with the doubt I had been having, and the change from leader to student has left me somewhat depressed. It is the ultimate demotion, really. It is aggravating because all your hard instincts earned in the field are superceeded by "the book". It is incredibly humbling and aggravating to watch these young know-it-all kids, wet behind the ears coming up with answers and generally proving how slow and dinosaur-ish the oldsters are. Some of them just ooze raw talent for taking the reins where, at least in my case I have to work on picking up those reins and make the tough decisions. I was living with the morbid fear that I would never get through the training and I would be perpetually stuck as simply a Science Officer for the rest of my career. I do not want to be stuck in the classroom or in a research lab for the rest of my life, even if discovery is interesting. I want to be out there pushing, or as Iggy puts it crashing through new blue water standing on the pulpit. (Actually a really exillerating place to put yourself, especially on the big fast boats.)

The only bright object in this rather dull and grey mess has been the sunshine on San Francisco Bay. I was not in good spirits as we left Xanor and when the realization that Jesse and I were just fooling each other hit, everything seemed to tumble. One slipped word, one phrase spoken in anger and it all fell apart. Then I meet those blue eyes and head over heels I go. Iggy is a lot like Jesse except that he has a much more laid back attitude. They have the same easy humor. In fact it was Ferry that told me that he wasn't sure but he thought that at one time his mother had undergone an embryo transfer (part of invitro fertilization) and that Jesse and Iggy were actually twins. Now who knows if this is even true, I think it was just the genetic roll of the dice and brothers will be brothers. Ferry closely resembles Barbara, favoring the looks of their father while Jesse, Iggy and Esther (who died at age 11) resembles Mom's English side of the family. But its hard to say, but they are different in physical size (Iggy being closer to average while Jesse is above average. Iggy is better in math as well...). I think not, unless one of the embryos underwent a DNA resequence. But then they wouldn't be twins then would they? Just brothers. So natural or artifical, brothers will be brothers. Who really cares if they were all concieved at the same time, just born at different times? I don¹t. If they wanted a family and that was the only way it could be done? Well that¹s that. I know that there are some that take a dim narrow minded view of this proceedure, but how does the use of a petri dish make a child any less a child? Are they human? Certianly! I know that the DNA re-sequance is a radical, if not illegal proceedure, but what if that was an only hope? I don¹t know. I really sincerly doubt that it happened. I remember a grade-school friend thinking she was adopted because she didn¹t look like her parents or her brother. But she wasn't.

But back to Iggy. Iggy is incredibly intelligent and insightful. He has a knack for looking at things and telling you what is going on within the structure and how forces play on it, or how it could be stronger or weaker. He's also got that artist's knack for making things beautiful. He can create the most graceful of hulls, pleasing to the eye and absolutely the most wind-efficient machines. His 'every day' boat is a 28 foot Hunter that he lovingly restored. But he has other horses in the stable as well. I was in awe of the racer he has under construction. Its designed to circumnavigate the Earth by one person. His partners in the yacht yard have a Catalina 470 that he has thought about getting. He sails it often as part of business. All of this confuses me but he assures me that I'll get it straight one of these days.

I confronted him one night asking him why he didn't have a significant other in his life. He just laughed and said that no one in their right mind would put up with him being out for as long as he was or to put up with the ups and downs of business. He never had the time for a serious relationship. I find that hard to believe because he's got those natural good looks and humor. Maybe it has something to do with age, since Ig and I are almost the same, a year or so apart.

Now as I attempt to focus on the problems of getting new systems on line and fully optimized, my thoughts turn. I have to go stand watch. Talk about screwy hours! Ill be standing back to back shifts(Gamma & Alpha), taking the center seat of the Alliance for the first time out of dock. This should be interesting, because this is the first time NOT in simulation and not in drydock. (Geez just don¹t let anything happen on my watch!)