Ahh where to start?

Was able to pick up a few boxes of Dominicans and an assortment of Off-Earth exotics. Got them stashed in the humidor, something tells me I¹m going to need to relax.

It seems like I¹ve been up to my eyes helping to see that all the weapons systems are kosher and fully operational. At Christmas/New Years I knew that we were not going back to the Endeavour. I didn¹t mention it to Cam or Kate because I was not entirely sure what our new mission was going to be. I wasn't sure which ship anyone was going to be assigned to, just that there was a battle group being put together. I suspected that it was in answer to the K and that situation, just not confirmed.

Since Xanor I have not mentioned the halo/ aura thing. It seems senseless to try and explain to someone that I can sense emotions by what color I¹m seeing..and that¹s the simplest explanation I can give. Its like looking at an image through a lens. It takes some concentration to sense it, but its there. I think that some of the damaged neural pathways have healed, thus the effect is not at pronounced as it was in the days following the light'ng strike.

On the Carrington coming home, I really sensed that Cam was bothered by something, she was tense, pensive, irritable. Acting like a caged animal. It didn¹t work between us. Is it possible we tried too hard and forced the issue, thus causing the friction? I picked up on her dissatisfaction (you know, that funny inkling ya get when things just aren't what they seem?). We were not as she put it, soul mates. And she was genuinely sad that she had fallen into the same trap as she had with Xavier (or so she felt), that she was attracted to me in a physical way but it just didn¹t click in her mind. She was looking for something in the wrong place. At least she was honest and admitted the situation. I thought I loved her, actually I care for her as a person, I find her a good friend someone I could confide in, companion...but love? Not in the sense I use the word. She is not easily one to be romanced. Alright I admit that she enjoys the occasional pleasure and will dabble in it but in the end she's not satisfied. What is it the Mandarin Food Syndrome? Eat until your guts are stuffed and your hungry again an hour later? Something along those lines.

Now I think she's fallen for (fallen or sexually attracted to?) my brother. I sent her belongings there for safe keeping, and bingbadaboom! While I love and respect my brother for the guy that he is, I wonder if he can make Cam happy. I thought I could, but I almost feel that she is incapable of really being happy. I don¹t know if Cam knows he's on DS 13 yet. I know he signed the contract and was scheduled to leave. He wanted to surprise her. He's fallen for her that¹s for certain...well all's fair in love and war. Another doomed relationship?

I was finally able to accept Ferry for the man he is. He confided in me that he has undergone some therapeutic measures that 'correct' the imbalance that causes his attraction mechanism to be askew. In other words he's gone straight. The blow of loosing Kevin had made him realize that while relationships with females are far from perfect, the basic idea of yin and yang are really the way things were meant to be. I just never understood him and his insisting that he was 'normal' just irritated me. I¹ve seen what constitutes normal in many species and humans are made male and female. So we have put that behind us.

I¹m still troubled by the loss of Peter Maclaughlin. I haven been able to discuss this full with Kate yet. I¹m angry and puzzled. She has shut off any discussion, I think its too painful for her. I see a lot of different emotions when the subject comes up. I hate to see her in agony, even if she hides it. I don¹t think she realizes that I know that she is grieving. Something wasn't quite right between them. I never thought that they had a relationship. It seemed superficial, almost as if she was hiding from something. Or am I looking for something in the wrong way? Ahh who knows! On the surface Kaye tends to be a simple person, but she harbors dark secrets. I think that she and Peter may have been on the verge of a breakup, but I am not certain. She has not mentioned if there is a funeral planned on Caldor for the family. If there is one, I want to go with her. I think she needs me there, even if she doesn't admit it. Sometime this is going to break, but in the meantime she is putting on a front. I cant resist the temptation to be there at her side. She insists that she wants no part of a search effort, but I have had trouble arguing the fact that despite her wish, a search will be mounted. I¹m not sure what she is afraid of, but there is something troubling there. Why doesn't she want to look, that¹s what bugs me.

My duties are not that different then when Remington left for Command. Merely a change on paper and an extra pip on the collar. I¹ve put out orders that I want everyone combat ready.

End transmission