Its been so long since I put anything down, my feelings toward anything.

It seems as if getting back aboard a ship has done something to lift the fog I¹ve been feeling.

I have very mixed feelings about Peter. I¹m upset and at the same breath, I¹m relieved. I didn¹t have to call the marriage quits in the face of shame. John & Patricia would never understand what went wrong, but I¹ve been saved in a way from leaving the family that I¹ve come to call my own. I didn¹t want to loose the only family I¹ve ever really known, and the realities of divorce would have severed that relationship. Instead I¹m the adopted daughter, I have a sister and a mom who cares. More Mom then my birth mother ever was. They don¹t push and they don¹t question the life I¹ve chosen, they just accept me for me, a secure feeling. I¹ve got a real home to go to.

I think that we loved each other once, when we first were engaged. But that deteriorated despite our trying to keep the spark. Things just happened and it was slowly unravelling.

I know I can get over this. I just keep working and before I know it the ache will be gone. Emil taught me that. I loved Emil, and we never had the chance for it to fall apart, we lost out while everything was fresh. I think that made a difference. What I don¹t want to do is set myself up for failure. I¹m afraid that if I look I'll become bitter and disappointed.

As I emerge from this fog, I find that Jesse is there, quietly there. An unmistakable presence. I¹m not sure how to take this. On the one hand I welcome his friendship and on the other I¹m afraid that with my luck he will be killed or lost. I¹m afraid to let my heart go. Its not age, I think I¹ve finally realized that age makes no difference.

I know now why it is I am able to trust him. He was there! He was the one that pulled me from the wreckage of the Enterprise. I still remember very little of the incident, mostly that there was a young Ltjg that found me at a time when, I think, I was giving up hope ( vague recollection). If it was him, he is too stiff necked to mention it. But, I found a plaque in his room, his commendation for the saving of twenty lives on the Enterprise. He never mentioned that or some of the others including the Gold medal in Springboard Diving from the Olympic Games and the MVP from the North American Football League (apparently he was able to make both of these accomplishments during his time at the Academy, not an easy time for anyone!)

As time goes on I¹ve found it easier and easier to pick up my flute or guitar, to get into the dance studio. I¹ve even thought about trying Ice Skating again, something I haven't done since I lived in NYC where we would hang out at Rockerfeller Center, twirling beneath the lights of that monstrous tree. I guess going to the Sanchez house made me remember how much fun that was.

I know the mission ahead is going to be difficult. The political situation has not changed. I¹ve lost a few of my staff to reassignment to DS 13, people I count as my comrades. The new ship is not as large as the Endeavour, but then what good is a castle in a battle? I¹ve been working with Security to hone combat readiness. They are going to need good field medical personal, should the situation become one of combat. Its on everyone's mind, its the scuttlebutt that we may be fighting those fearsome beings again. Cam neither confirms nor denies the rumors, although I know with her promotion and position she has knowledge of our orders, as does Jesse.

I am not sure, but I think I want to talk to M--Dr. Montgomery (now that we are aboard ship again) and request that I be sent on away team missions as a combat nurse. I know she will need me here, but I also know that I may be needed by others, esp. Jesse. I have been sharpening my trauma management skills after what happened on the Science Station. In some ways I¹m almost afraid to ask. I¹m also afraid to ask what it would take to become more then just a nurse. Nursing is important, but I think I should not be complacent and maybe should push myself more. I just wish I had the courage to do so! Look what it did for Cam, she now is a bridge officer. I¹m a little jealous that they have both received promotions, but in this game, this life, that¹s the breaks. They both work hard and that¹s just how it goes. I¹ve seen it often enough, eventually my turn will come. I liked it on Xanor with the loosening of the strings. I liked the treatment as equals and comrades. Take a base assignment? No. That¹s not why I enlisted. On the flip side, the treatment of rank helps maintain discipline and that is essential when in combat (and I think that¹s where its headed. I¹m so afraid that this could become like the Romulan/Klingon situation that existed, where all was wrought with mistrust and suspicion, if not open conflict.)