Lt. Cmdr. Jesse Sanchez sat with his back against the cold wall of the battle bridge of the USS Glenn, a Miranda class science vessel. He breathed carefully and slowly. His hand fell to the shoulder pressed gently against his leg and the thick cascade of dark hair that spilled in his lap. His chest hurt from bruises, from blows. He was certain the burning sensation was not only from a broken rib or two, but from the acrid smoke that drifted. Life support was down, airscrubbers off. There were sections of the ship burning where the fire suppression systems had failed.

His eyes studied the tableau before him, his memory burning....

**** ....He watched Cam as her hand touched the control panel.

"I don't know how long we can hold out." she sighed softly looking at what was left of her crew.

Her sister-in-law, Kate sighed softly and played with the tricorder in her hand.

Lt. T'lal looked up with a steady sure gaze from the comm panel, "I've attempted contacting the relay station, but to no avail."

"I suspected as much. Those Khynah were quite though in their damage. Or it could be the fires taking out systems, as walls and bulkheads fail. We've lost about 75 % of life support on the lower decks." She looked at Jesse for a moment.

"Eventually they will find us; what then?" he wondered.

"We make a stand. We must save the ship and her cargo if possible. If there was a way to draw them into the saucer section and perform a separation, we could set the other section on self destruct and we could save vital systems."

"Separated mode? Cam you're talking about flying a starship on a crew of five. You're talking about--" Jesse blurted. He looked pointedly at the Ensign who remained silent. An ensign ops officer, a member of the Glenn's regular crew. His broken arm had been immobilized by Kate, and he was clearly in pain.

"One very devious helmsman is all we need. One person can fly these systems, and you know it Commander." Cam stared at him for a moment.

"The locks have to be manually released." Yeltson said softly. "Someone needs to be in the other section to release the bolts. The damage in that area has cut off computer control."

"It is logical that I stay behind, I will release the bolts." T'lal commented lifting her chin and meeting everyone's gaze with her beautiful golden eyes. Cam secretly grinned. This Vulcan had pluck, and pluck was what she needed now! The more she got to know the linguist the more she just liked her.

"Jesse, I want you on transporter ops, Yeltson you take the helm. I know you're an ops officer, I know you know this baby. Kate help him, I seem to recall you being a pretty hot shuttle pilot on Xanor. All you need to do is back the drive section away, and clear a course away. The nav computer should be able to plot that course. Jesse as soon as we are clear transport T'lal back, I'm leaving no one behind. Ill blow the umbilical on this end."

"If you make it." Jesse sighed.

"What?"

"The Khynah patrol, they know you're the ring leader." Jesse pointed out, "They are not as stupid as they look. Warrior mentality, they know who holds the cards."

"I'm the rabbit, they will follow me," Cam shrugged. "Ill get their miserable butts in that saucer section. If not, well Mr. Sanchez, you're in charge."

*

He stood at the transported console in the shuttle bay. An auxiliary unit. He studied the readings trying to hold the lock. The ion storm outside raging in a tempest of proto-nebular material and radiation. Could he hold the lock? Could he get them back? Had Cam made the right decision in luring the Khynah ship into this tempest?

Cam was on the other side, she and T'lal had both gone into the saucer section, when Cam realized that to blow the ship she needed to be there. The section was not accepting outside codes, computer error was not letting the code string function. He could hear them fighting for their lives. The thought of Khynah casing them pell-mell caused a shiver down his spine.

The ship shuddered as the Glenn broke into two and Kate gave a whoop that they were clear.

He engaged transporter lock and the dematerialization circuits....

*

The metal was cold, the eyes were colder. She struggled and screamed. The figure came around the corner only to be cut down. The visions before her dissolved into a blinding white light, severe pain racked her head, her body on fire. Her vision cleared for a long moment. Someone was working on her wrists She fell forward and hit the floor. She looked at him for a moment and the world went black, in a shriek of noise...

It is logical, my mind to yours, my thoughts are yours, your feelings are mine.... You will live your Katra safe, it is logical.

*

"Kate I'm having trouble getting materialization with the storm!" he hollered into his commlink.

"Go ahead and divert power I've got enough to maneuver the thrusters" Yeltson replied hastily.

He worked frantically boosting outputs, raising the gain, tuning the frequency.

He remembered to breathe when the two materialized. "Damn damn damn! We've got serious problems here! The storm has caused a bunch of feedback interference!"

"Did we get them?" Kate wondered. "We've got three minutes to blow, Yeltson has got to get us clear."

"Yeah we got them, we got them." he sighed watching them firm up. He rushed forward when he realized that Cam chest was crimson with blood. Her fingers clutched to her breast. Rough transport had not helped her at all. He had to get them out.

T'lal staggered behind as he carried Cam to safely past some of the burning sections. The suppression systems were sort of working, but not as well as they should. The Glenn was loosing structure.

* The Glenn star drive was rocked when the automatic destruct went off in her living section, there was nothing left, no Khynah.

He scarcely felt the death shudders of the ship, his mind numbed, she was dead. Cam was dead. She knew she was dying and her last breath was spent whispering....

T'lal reached out with her hand and took his. I love you Jess..don't leave me...I can't hold on much longer...slipping away...love you....

****

He touched the pale cheek again and called for ship to ship communication. He was trapped waiting the return of the Alliance. The Glenn was a dying ship, her skeleton crew slaughtered by a Khynah scout, beset upon and now drifting aimlessly. Her mission to repair and restore an archeological ruin. The site now beyond repair, its treasure lost. The mission to the edge of Typhan's Expanse, aborted. The Alliance and Tempest, converging on the Glenn with her feeble distress call. The Tempest chasing the fleeting contact with the Khynah vessel. What was left of the science team stranded on the derelict. Stranded with the dead or near dead. An ion storm interfering with transporter function. Storms, Khynah..almost too much. His head reeled.

The readings of the med tricorder told him that this Vulcan had slipped deep into a healing trance, triggered by deep shock from the transporter accident. T'lal a simple linguist on the mission to translate the encryption, a talented, young beauty.

Cam was dead.

She had looked at him with a feeble expression, she whispered hoarsely her grey eyes looking at him,"--she-- we-- she will live. The transport--her Katra is safe. It is not on the wind--she will live. It is logical."

"Its alright Jesse I'm here," whispered Kate as she knelt by him. She knew when he had returned with only T'lal with him. She knew she had lost another friend, her sister. "Well get through this together."

He opened his eyes slowly and nodded in agreement. He thought about the word Katra, it rattled loosely around his jagged thoughts. Once he was back aboard the Alliance, he would research the word. Katra stuck upon his tired pained brain, like waking with a song he couldn't rid himself of.

His arm ached from dragging the bodies from the cargo hold, his hand and cheek stinging from burns acquired during the struggle. He had to leave her behind when fire got too fierce. He had to leave her, he couldn't take them both any further. She was dead, and that section of the Glenn had become her pyre. He had watched the flames licking and leaping obscenely at the new fuel. He had turned away throwing up. He was struck by falling junk. He had retreated to this spot where he had put the Vulcan in Kate's care. He looked at the dried blood on his sleeve and licked his lips, closing his eyes again.

"When will the Alliance be here? The fire's--"

"Soon," he whispered his throat feeling raw now. He could use a drink of water.

****

He took the cool liquid gratefully from Kate MacLaughlin as Mira Montgomery and her staff treated his burns. He glanced at Kate. She was pale and tired looking, but she had come out of the wait the best. She had found it deep within her to wait, patiently. She was scared, he was tried and groggy. Every movement brought a new stab of pain.

"You're dehydrated. You'll feel better soon." she assured him as the first officer of the Alliance approached him.

"There are a lot of bodies over there," He remarked.

"I know, security is taking care of it. When you feel up to it the captain wants a full report."

Jesse glanced at the dark elegant face of Rebecca Sinclair. He nodded again.

"We recovered a probe, a class four that was carrying a payload of science data. Someone on the Glenn wanted this information intact."

"Cam wanted it intact," he muttered.

"Cam? As in Cmdr. MacLaughlin?" Sinclair sounded surprised.

"She was acting as first officer on the Glenn, special assignment." He took another long sip and set the bottle on an interment tray. "She left two weeks ago from DS13. It was sudden. First Officer... Kate and I went along, they needed to fill the crew...It was a science mission!"

"When you're up to it Jesse." Rebecca cautioned.

"She's dead." he whispered coldly.

Lt. Kate MacLaughlin looked up from running the probe over his hand. She studied him in shocked silence. He sounded so bitter. "Its alright Jess," she whispered finally, touching his cheek. She bit back hard on her own tears that wanted to well up.

"Rebecca, have you ever heard the word Katra?" He wondered looking up at the first officer, suddenly, as if it just crossed his mind.

"Katra?" Rebecca wondered letting a frown cross her features.

"Katra is the Vulcan soul, I think." Kate remarked. "I'm not a linguist but I've heard it, Cam would know."

"Yeah, she would." Jesse sighed and looked over to where Dr. Montgomery was working. He studied the Vulcans dark hair. "Do you believe it Kate?"

"Believe what?"

"What happens when we die?" he wondered still watching Montgomery. "Is our soul saved? Do we go somewhere else?"

"That is a complex question. Do I believe that Cam is going to heaven? Well she was good, and true, she always did what she thought was best, even if she could be mixed up. Is Peter there? Yes. Cam, too."

"She's not dead." Jesse contradicted with an odd frown.

"You just said she was," Rebecca said with a frown equally as deep.

"I watched her body die, but she not dead." Jesse spoke softly. "I was told her Katra was safe, that she would live."

"That is faith." Kate said softly, "It's what we all want, the soul going on even with carpal death. We all go to a better place."

"See the Captain," Rebecca cautioned as she excused herself.

"Now you," Dr Montgomery turned her attention to Jesse. "Could use some rest to let those fluids get in your tissues and let the bruises heal. Can I see the output for the probe Lieutenant?"

Kate nodded, handing her the padd.

"And we need to use the bone knitter on those cracked ribs. You'll be spending the night here. What were you doing over there?"

"Rescues," he muttered. "Damn bloody archeology mission.. It wasn't supposed to happen!"

"And taking on the Khynah." Mira smiled. "Don't y'all worry, I'm seeing to the bodies and that Vulcan you rescued are going to be fine by morning. That self-healing is really a blessing sometimes. Transporter accidents can do strange things. Being Vulcan, she will live. Don't blame yourself Jesse you were only doing your best. I'm going to give you a painkiller, your readings are high. Well get these burns and ribs fixed."

He stared at the ceiling as the hot med flowed into his neck where the cold hypo pressed. He welcomed the burn; it quieted his mind and the pounding of his heart.

****

T'lal was sitting on the biobed huddled and cold looking. She looked up at Jesse and Kate with a small blink. She shivered again, and looked confused. She had just woken up, come out of the trance with a screech that caught everyone's attention. Vulcan healing trances were broken by pain, why? Mira didn't have a clue. But her files said a good rousing slap across the face usually was sufficient. This was different, the patient had roused herself with a blood curdling scream. Jesse had flown to his feet despite his tender ribs. It set him into a fit of coughing and another cycle of pain.

Mira Montgomery looked up from her patient and from her scanner. "Her Pschosuppression system, responsible for the lack of emotions in a Vulcan is damaged, burned out I'm afraid. It's a section of the mesiofrontal cortex where such damage cannot be corrected. There's some other minor damage that will heal on its own accord."

Antos Bek walked in medbay with Rhea Vasserman and Capt. Bowman of the Tempest. Bek stopped just inside the door, he glanced between Sanchez and the Vulcan and tilted his head puzzled.

"Oh Captain, you're here. Step into my office I have the transfer files for you on a padd." Mira smiled. "Ill be back in a minute."

"Who's the patent we are transferring?" Bek wondered as he followed Mira into the office. "I don't believe I've seen her before."

"She was rescued last night from the Glenn. That's Lt. T'lal, a linguist."

Mira stared out the window, watching what was going on in ICU. Jesse was out of bed clad in some soft pajamas and bathrobe that Kate had garnered from his quarters in the night. He hadn't wanted to stay in his smelly, dirty uniform for the night. He just wanted comfort. He hadn't slept much, according to the duty log of the other shifts. His smoke inhalation damaged lungs gave him fits, and coupled with the ribs, he needed a slow recovery. His emotional angst kept him awake. Although, it was good thought to see Kate's familiar copper hair back in medbay after her long absence. She was working hard despite all that she had been through the last few days.

Jesse was standing at the Vulcans bedside watching her.

Jesse stood staring into the golden eyes searching her face for some flicker of emotion. He could feel his own hand gently shaking as he touched her hair again. Could it be true? About the Katra? Her eyes snapped into focus on his. Her expression was like that of an animal, not certain of anything going on around her, flighty, fidgety. She was tense and ready to jump at anything. Her lower lip trembled when he touched her cheek. She looked at him her eyes suddenly imploring him wordlessly to do something, a look that Cam had given him on many occasions when she was struggling with a problem of some sort. Her eyes locked and held his, never wavering. He suddenly felt as if he were sliding down an icy slop unable to stop, he kept falling deeper into her gaze. He suddenly jerked his hand from her cheek as if shocked. He swore he heard her as if a whisper was uttered in the dark of night. It was haunting and frightening at the same time. Jess what is going on? Help me Jess...what is going on?

"Something isn't right," Mira said as she stepped out into the room. Her intuition had gotten the better of her. There was something about Sanchez's expression, something she had seen in his pain-riddled face last night.

Jesse had stepped a few paces away his expression guarded and his eyes unfocused as he looked at the wall. His hand covered his mouth, his arms crossed in thoughtful repose.

"Jesse what is it?" she wondered with professional concern.

He shook his head. "She's not dead," he whispered.

"Can you see anything? Are the auras bothering you?" Mira asked full of concern. She knew that the lingering aftereffects of Xanor had clung to him like the static charge left from the lightening. She knew that the effect was amplified when he was given pain meds, a reason he disliked taking them. He had been given plenty during the night.

He slowly shook his head, "Hasn't bothered me in a while. No it's something else...she's not dead, I hear her."

"What do you hear?" Bek wondered.

"Look I'm not a specimen for everyone to examine!" Jesse suddenly flared in anger, his confusion evident, "I heard her OK? She not dead...she not..." he started coughing again.

Kate slipped to his side and took his arm. He shook her off with a glare. Kate sighed and stepped back, knowing this wasn't the time to push. She glanced at Bek.

"Molecular damage caused by transporter accidents--" Mira began. "She needs treatment at a base--"

"You've done what you can Dr. Montgomery. We'll get Lt. T'lal back to STB114" Bowman assured her.

"You cant leave yet," Mira huffed. "Id like to run a few more tests--"

"I'm sorry doctor, but we have a schedule to keep." Richard Bowman glanced at her sharply.

"But--" Mira looked to Bek who shook his head.

T'lal looked helplessly at Jesse as she was walked out of medbay.

"I'm sorry Mira, but even you cant override Medical's wishes on this. Your own recommendations have sent her to 114 where she will receive the care she needs. Even if you believe that your skills could bring about recovery. She's better off there where she can gain emotional stability, and they can treat the damage" Bek assured her.

**** The morning staff meeting was drawing to a conclusion. There was talk about what retribution should be taken against the Khynah for the latest attack. The Tempest was on her way to 114.

Forrester held up a hand and everyone fell silent their arguments abandoned, "Alright people, enough debate. But I do need the report on the Glenn attack, and an update on the damage control. We will continue to tow the Glenn star drive to base facilities. I also need the data received from the probe logged in, and what ever manifest the Glenn had, documented and salvaged. Dismissed."

The meeting broke up and the department heads scattered. Jesse remained standing by the viewport watching the stars. He realized that McRaney was standing next to him.

"How do you do it Simon? Bein' married to a ...an officer n' all?" he gestured to the door with his thumb. "I mean just-- Mira could get orders and she'd be gone. Do you believe in an afterlife?"

"I was just going to invite you to a poker game, not discuss philosophy or politics."

"My minds elsewhere," Jesse admitted.

Simon nodded knowingly, and clapped the security chief on the back.

Jesse suddenly felt out of place out of tune. He sighed and picked up his padds, walking slowly to his office to try and pick up where he left off two weeks ago, before a brief vacation to DS13 to pick up Kate, and a whirlwind archeology expedition on the Glenn brought them in contact with the Khynah. Two weeks: not that long, yet a lifetime. To hell and back.

IN YOUR WILDEST

She stood on the balcony overlooking the concourse of 114. It was not too dissimilar to the concourse of DS13 but the view was different. There was a sense of urgency here that was lacking at the deep space base. Here, there was a more military and commercial feel the moon lacked. There the air was electric with competition and a note of merriment. Here it was business, and her business was keeping the place running smoothly, or so she thought. A search through her personal computer had seemed to indicate this.

She felt as if she had been sleepwalking and suddenly woke up. How long had she been here? A look at the logs seemed to indicate three weeks. Three weeks she couldn't remember. A blank. Some of the time had been spent at the base hospital some of it working. But what was work? Sleepwalking!

She sighed and glanced around. Her eye was drawn to the concourse arrivals board. Yet there was no name of a vessel that she could recognize. She touched the collar of her uniform and let her fingers brush against the two nubs there. Two! There should be three. God nothing made sense! When did she get a demotion? And when the hell did she...what was she doing?

[You are safe, you will live....]

What now she was talking to herself? She almost laughed aloud.

[Your Katra is safe, you will always be safe....]

I'm going bonkers, she thought, almost laughing again and looking out in the crowd. She looked at her hands gripping the rail. When had she noticed that they were different? It had been about an hour ago in her office. She had become distinctly aware that something wasn't right and she walked out onto the concourse. She looked at the small cut on her finger.

I am Vulcan. She thought firmly. I am--oh no! That's it! Oh shit, shit shit shit!!! Everyone thinks I'm Lal!!! But...?

She suddenly felt a rush of panic and turned walking straight into someone.

"Lieutenant? Is something wrong?" Puzzled Lt. Cmdr. CP Muldhoon.

"Eh, no, no. I'm ...fine."

He blinked, "Doesn't sound fine at all lieutenant. Did you see something that I need to know about?"

"No I'm just thinking I need to contact someone."

"If it's about the search for Terry James, I wouldn't bother. Nothings turned up."

Terry James? She wondered to herself.

"Terry's dead and you're going on the Glenn as a means to search for him has gotten you nothing hasn't it? Nothing new has come over security channels. Id let you know if it had."

"I thought that because Sanchez is still out there, and the Alliance's scheduled patrol--"

"Sanchez is not turning up squat. Not where he is, and the Alliance-- what do you know about the Alliance?"

"Just what's coming over channels." she blinked hoping that was the 'right' answer. She almost blew it. This security chief was a brutal nit-pick paranoid. Something about him made her pause and think.

"I don't know why you're putting so much faith in Sanchez."

"Why not? He seems like an...efficient.. officer."

"Efficient my butt! When he was a cadet he was the biggest goof off I've ever taught. His mind was on football, and not on learning what it took to become a good officer. His wrecking his knee was probably the best thing that ever happened to him! Knocked some sense into that thick cranium. Don't put your eggs in that basket T'lal."

She studied him for a moment. "Why do you hate Jesse?"

Muldoon let some emotion color his face, "I don't hate him."

She blinked trying to act like a Vulcan, even if she didn't feel that way at all.

"I thought he could do better. That's it. I need to go check out the docking bays. Ill talk to you later."

She nodded and watched the wiry gravelly voiced chief leave.

"Sarge. Jess always called you Sarge and you were one tough son-of -a-gun." She sighed and crossed her arms feeling a little more like herself. A little more...human. She uncrossed her arms and looked at her hands.

What was she going to do? What?

****

Somehow in the back of her mind she knew where her own quarters were, and there she retreated. She quickly changed out of her uniform and into a blue caftan, shedding the dull black and gray like a snakeskin. The caftan felt silky on her skin.

"Computer personal logs for the past month." she ordered as she straightened the heavy brain on her head and put the tea kettle on the brazier.

She was reading and sipping the tea when her door chimed. She let in Muldoon who had dressed in simple jeans and a tee-shirt.

"A beer for you?" she wondered. She wondered how she knew he liked the golden lager she called up on the replicator. Lager, Jess had been an ale guy. Sarge was a lager guy. But how did she know?

"Fine, " he nodded looking uncomfortable. "Look maybe my observations of Sanchez were a little harsh, but he wasn't the best student. Maybe he could turn something up on James but--"

"That's beside the point." she nodded settling on a cushion.

"Yeah, it is, "he sipped the lager she had handed him. "Look T'lal, I've noticed as of late you just haven been yourself. I know this isn't about James because it started after you got back from the Glenn. Is it the Khynah?"

"Does it matter to you?" she wondered hoping the words weren't as sharp as they felt.

"Yes it does." Muldoon nodded.

"I haven't felt myself," she admitted slowly.

"Well today you certainly aren't acting that way either. Do you want me to talk to Lassiter and get some time off for you?"

"I think I can take care of that myself."

"Then would you mind explaining something to me?"

"Of course," she said simply.

"Why did you punch out CPO Scott James?"

I what--? She blinked.

"Scott James you punched Scott James. I'm going to have to file a report."

"When did that cretin get off Xanor?" she wondered her mind whirling.

"T'lal explain yourself, why did you slug James?"

"Because he's a jerk!" she snapped.

"T'lal you don't go slugging people! What's wrong with you?!"

"You're right," she said lightly. "Id rather kill the bastard. Or have Jesse rip him a new asshole...revenge would be nice."

"T'lal!" he grabbed her shoulders.

"I'm sorry Muldoon I'm really sorry. I'm not feeling right at all."

"You're emotional as all hell. This isn't you."

"You're right," she repeated lightly. "I'm going insane that just it."

"You're Vulcan remember? You don't go insane."

She stopped and sighed looking at her hands. She decided silently what she had to do.

*****

"Muldoon out." the link closed.

Forrester settled back in his chair and looked at Sanchez. "One AWOL Vulcan. What do you know of Lt. T'lal?"

"I worked with her briefly on the Glenn, she was...there's not much to say sir. She was Vulcan. Efficient and...Vulcan. She and Cam got along well, all things considered. They worked together on the archeological translations. She was duty bound and logical. She saw to it that the Khynah were blown up. She ensured the umbilical on the Glenn were disconnected... I mean... Sir I don't know what it is you're looking for."

"It sounds as if running away isn't it the lieutenant's nature."

"That's an emotional response," Jesse shrugged and looked around the ready room, "She's Vulcan."

"We need to find that shuttle." Forrester tapped his finger on his desk.

"I'm on it. Ill get sensors calibrated and... Well find it sir."

*****

"You've hardly touched your dinner." Kate observed.

"Ahh, its work." he sighed pushing aside a padd, feeling rather torn and empty.

"Its more then work you look, well troubled." Kate leaned gently on his broad shoulder.

"Maybe I am. That Vulcan she's gone and run away."

"That Vulcan, as in T'lal?"

"THAT Vulcan." he nodded.

"Well fiddle, what's so important?" Kate gestured trying to understand.

"We're the closest ship. We get the undo pleasure of chasing her."

"Vulcans don't go running away. That's not logical."

"Sarge said there was something strange going on. He forwarded me her personal files and some poetry. It makes no sense. It made no sense to him either. It all started after her return from the Glenn. You know when she left things didn't seem right. She punched out a security officer."

"Vulcans don't punch security officers without due cause. Punch? Most Vulcans I know would just pinch 'em."

Jesse rubbed his lip with his thumb, "Yeah you have something there."

"Who was the lucky recipient?"

"Scott---Oh god." He paused rapping his fingers on the table next to his unused fork.

"Who?"

"Scott James." Jesse said flatly.

"Scott James. As in Terry cousin."

"As in Terry's cousin. "Jesse nodded scrunching his mouth. "That guy has a real way of getting a woman's ire. Cam wanted to kill him."

"Well he treated her like--never mind."

"I know. I know." Jesse sighed. "Anyway, T'lal's gone stolen a shuttle. I've got to figure out how to find her."

"What's this poetry?" Kate asked picking up the padd.

"Sarge thought it was significant since it was left on her desk, addressed to me."

"Lo is the dark halls of confusion, lo lurks the path through the mire.

Sucking at your boots streaming like the rain, like a slow river, in a blinding flash it came.

Like relentless heat pulling like gravity like a lofty mountain rising from a valley it stood

lo the dark halls of confusion lo lurks a path between death and light

sleeping yet wake dreaming yet conscience dead yet living drawing breath yet drowning

lo the dark halls of confusion lo lurks a path from which deviation is dire

"Yuck," Kate sighed putting the padd down, "That is really horrid poetry."

"Doesn't sound like a Vulcan at all, there's no reason to it no patterns of logic which are hallmarks of their poetry, After all that got shoved down my throat at the academy," Jesse observed staring at his dinner plate. "Why address that to me?"

"Does the imagery mean anything to you?" Kate asked setting the padd back.

"No," he admitted with a huff. "It reminds me of hell."

"Hell." She nodded and glanced at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Like Xanor on a really bad day. You know heat, mud..."

"No swarms of unwashed sweaty bodies. Of strife or suffering..."

"No its like insanity or grief."

"Either way it stinks," Kate almost laughed. "Have you asked Antos his opinion?"

"I have not, I don't want to talk to him." Jesse sighed and studied her for a moment. "How did you do this? How did you come to an understandin' about Peter and his death? It's all so bloody senseless. She keeps creepin' into my thoughts. I keep thinkin' about her, how I miss her laugh. God Kate how? Antos is going to f--- tell me that she's dead and there's not a bloody thing I can do. Get over and move on. How the hell did you do it? I even read these transcripts of T'lal's personal logs and I don't hear them in Lal's voice. I hear Cam sayin' these words."

"You know T'lal," Kate puzzled. "I mean, on the Glenn..."

"Yeah you'd think that after spending two weeks with someone that if you read their writings that you'd hear their voice, or imagine their voice saying what they wrote. But its not so I read these and I think of Cam. I miss her.."

"I miss Peter too." Kate said softly. "It's a slow healing wound, believe me."

"Kay I was thinkin' of askin' her to marry me."

"You two?" Kate laughed.

Jesse nodded and picked up his ignored beer. "Yeah, on Xanor. I almost asked her."

"She would have told you to take a hike."

"Probably. She--" he paused and sighed, "was stubborn."

"Heavens yes." Kate sighed. "What happened on the way home?"

"I don't know, stupidity?" he looked at the padd, and pushed it aside with a flick of his finger, "this does sound like Xanor though."

"Can you have Forrester contact the outpost and find out if a shuttle has come in?"

"Shuttles like the one she took don't have the range or the speed." he thought, "She's Vulcan. You know Lal, she has a quick mind and is quite resourceful."

"That's true."

"Kay after Peter died did you ever have the feeling he wasn't dead?"

"Change the subject again. I knew. When Marcus told me I knew."

"I have this feelin' she isn't. Do you have that feelin'? That somehow Cam is still with us somehow?"

"No. I knew when you and T'lal staggered in. I knew."

"And Lal didn't say anythin' to you?"

"No. In fact she pretty much used the last of her strength to get to the bridge." Kate sighed and got up clearing the table of dishes. She glanced at Jesse who settled his bulk (he was a big guy) back in his chair and slowly raised his beer. He leaned heavily on his elbow. She shook her head thinking that the pain was running more deeply then anyone suspected. He was in denial, he could not accept what had happened. Kate felt that she should bring this to the Captain's attention. Going to Bek was not an option. She was afraid that this would soon interfere with his performance as Security chief. She knew because Peter was still fresh in her mind and it pained her as well.

****

"We are picking up a single life sign on the far side of the planet, in a location indicated as Lake Whatzit on the survey map. There was a science base at that location," Marlin Robbins informed the Captain.

Jesse swallowed, trying to steady his mind. He looked closely at the sensor data and confirmed main sensor findings. This HAD to be it. All the writings: this was the one thing that made sense. Something in her mind had clicked. It was a feeling he could not convey to Forrester, it was a hope he held tightly clenched in his heart.

"They do not have communications," the comm officer reported.

"Sir request permission for an away team to investigate the site," Jesse asked formally.

"Permission granted Mr. Sanchez."

"Sir request the presence of Lt. MacLaughlin as well."

"Proceed Mr. Sanchez, you have one hour. If this is a false lead I want to get underway and scan the Beta sector for traces of that shuttle."

"Yes sir." Jesse turned and left the bridge saying a silent prayer as he made his way to the transporter room. This could be T'lal or it was some eccentric scientist that had gone to Whatzit anticipating the arrival of spring to the mountain lake.

****

He walked through the heavy snow towards the shelter where the life sign was holed up. The science team had left a nice array of buildings and labs. It was where Cam had spent many a happy hour working with her scientists. This had been her baby, her dream. She loved the high mountain lake, that was now frozen over. He thought of her happy, in the midst of summer. Now it was winter and he felt as barren as the landscape.

Jesse sighed feeling the gravity tugging at every inch of his being. His lungs fought the cold thin air. He hadn't missed this in the least. He glanced at Kate who shook her head gathering her parka hood tightly around her face.

****

"What am I doing here?" the voice puzzled. Jesse looked at the tall elegant figure of T'lal Begay. She studied them with a purposeful gaze. One of recognition. Clearly though she was puzzled and it showed in the merest flash of a frown. Jesse remembered that even though she was Vulcan, she was not totally dedicated to logic or the absolute purging of emotion. Her demeanor, her inflection was just as it had been on the Glenn: he was defiantly talking to T'Lal Begay.

The Vulcan looked at the masculine face of Jesse Sanchez as he stared intently at her. What had brought him here, and furthermore how had he found her in this utter isolation?

"I am not certain why it is I am here. I understand that here, is the planet Xanor II. I do not recall how I got here, I find myself here. I have several large gaps of memory, time that seems vanished. I arrived here during one of those lapses. I was on STB 114 and I found myself here. It was like waking from meditation."

"And nothing like this has ever happened." Jesse observed looking about the dwelling. It was neat orderly and logical, except for the pile of dirty cloths in the corner. Kate remained silent.

"No and these lapses seem to be occurring more frequently, first the long one and three smaller ones while here in this Science facility"

"Did you slug Scott James?" He wondered thinking about what Sarge had told him of her erratic behavior.

"I would not harm another," she replied bluntly. "That is not my way."

"Sarge is worried about you."

"I remember talking to him briefly. Then--" she paused and blinked.

"These lapses, they began after the incident on the Glenn."

"Affirmative, yes. Seven days ago."

"Well Captain Forrester has orders to return you to 114. We'd better shake a leg. Sanchez to Alliance. Three to beam up."

****

"Audra! What the hell is going on?" Sanchez hollered. He whirled in confusion as Kate flew around him. T'lal had fallen to the deck violently.

Kate had the Vulcan in her arms. T'lal flopped like a fish out of water and suddenly lay still.

Audra McKay's fingers flew over the panels, "Nothing's wrong, Mr. Sanchez. Nothing! it all checks out."

"Medical emergency Transporter room 1." Jesse ordered to his commbadge reflexively.

"Jess, don't touch her. This isn't right." Kate breathed. "It's a seizure."

Jesse shook his head and pulled the parka away from the Vulcan's pale face. He touched her cheek, it felt feverish. "What is going on?"

*****

He felt like a parrot as he paced the floor in Medbay. "What is going on?" he repeated.

Kate sighed and laid a gentle hand on his arm, "T'lal had some kind of reaction to the transporter, she's stable but--"

"But what?"

"Its like severe psychological stress: she is out...blacked out." Kate shook her head.

Mira looked up from her scanner, "I don't understand this Jesse, I'm sorry but this is going to take a while to sort out."

"I'm getting the most horrible feeling of deja vu." he whispered.

"It seems that way," Mira agreed. "We've come full circle. We are back right where we started three weeks ago."

"Have you ever seen a reaction to the transporter?"

"No it's safer then crossing a street. There are occasional problems, but this is rare, you know that." Mira assure him as she worked.

About an hour later Mira Montgomery stood in front of a medical display and looked at the flow of colors with a puzzled frown, "Now that is perfectly odd."

"What is odd?" Jesse shot to his feet from the seat at T'lal's bedside. He had settled on a stool and remained a motionless blob his elbows resting near her head, staring at her and occasionally touching her hair. He felt bitter disappointment that his hopes had been falsely raised. There was no saving of Katra, only bitter wishes and false hopes.

"Well, I ran a basil -physiological scan on T'lal and compared it to one on file from STB114, her regular personal file. There is a difference. So I asked the computer for a comparison match, one that was closest to the one I just did. Just on the chance that there was an error."

"And? The Basil-physiological scan, it looks ate a number of factors."

"One of which is physiological energy, not too dissimilar to that aura effect that you experience."

"Great, I'm a scanner now." Jesse huffed.

"But--" Mira held up a finger at him.

"But what?"

"There is a match."

"To T'lal's scan from her treatment at STB 114 after the Glenn." Jesse shrugged.

"No not at all."

"Doctor!" A nurse called. "I think the Lieutenant is coming around!"

She stared at the ceiling with golden eyes she blinked and drew a slow deep breath. Her mouth softly parted. Her eyes locked on Mira and she sort of gave her a squinty smile, "Hi ya Doc."

"You just relax and try and breathe normally," Mira cautioned. "The counselor will be here in a moment."

T'lal shook her head and closed her eyes, "Don't need him..."

"T'lal," Jesse said softly.

Her eyes shot open and she took a deep breath, "Son of a four eyed horny toad!! Oh Mother of Pearl what the f--- damndamnmamnation!"

"Nononono Just relax." He took her hand and smoothed her hair. Mira glanced at him. He looked at her, "Vulcans don't go around cussing like a sailor."

"Jesse I want Antos to confirm what I found, its procedure. This is unusual."

"What did the scan show?" Sanchez wondered.

"Hey I'm not a lab rat!" T'lal squeaked. "Ouch Jess! You're squeezing too hard you big doofus!"

"The scans show this isn't T'lal," Mira said with a sigh.

Jesse pointed with his free hand "Tell me --wait-- what?-- this isn't T'lal?"

"That's right."

"Jesse, Jesse, please!" T'lal who wasn't T'lal begged. Jesse alternated staring at her and staring at Mira. The young Vulcan held up her hand waving it to get his attention." Let me explain, something has become clear to me...at least I think its clear. The ion storm--"

"What ion storm?" Jesse spat.

T'lal sat up an shot him a frustrated glance, "Listen! Antos is going to probably tell you I'm schizophrenic."

"Oh great!"

"NO listen. On the Glenn, the last thing I remember is the sensation of a knife being driven into ...here," she crossed her hand over her heart, where a human heart lie. He stood still watching her. "I was dying Jess. The Khynah killed me. I was bleeding to death. Lal...melded...not just lightly...she took it deep, deeper then I knew it could go. Then suddenly you were screaming about something going wrong. The Glenn was burning. We had to..move...I guess...You carried her..my.. body, as far as deck 14. She died there... Lal told you...she told you."

Jesse suddenly turned away visibly shaken his eyes focused on nothing but the floor in front of his feet. He wanted to throw up. His face turned ashen.

"T'lal took my Katra Jesse," she insisted, "the ion storm caused my life force to flow like water to...to life. T'lal died on the Glenn. She died in my body so I could live."

"Safe..." he whispered. His eyes rose from the floor and her stared at her trying to think through all that he remembered of what happened on the Glenn. The whisper, the haunting whisper!

"There are snippets left, of T'lal's Katra. Chemical leftovers of memories not quite erased. That's why I'm schizophrenic. I think when I black out Lal is the dominant personality. I'm becoming stronger and she weaker. I'm remembering more and more and the blackouts aren't as long or severe. Like the chemical memories are progressively being written."

Antos Bek had watched her from the doorway. "How do you feel, now?" he wondered breaking his silence.

"I think the transporter tripped up something, I'm not certain. I feel, different. I haven't used a transporter since we came back from the Glenn. I ..haven't needed to."

"You diagnosis of schizophrenia is accurate, Cam." Bek observed he crossed his arm in further thought, "My question to you is how do you feel about this?"

"Grateful, guilty...like I've cheated...I'm confused." she shrugged. "How am I supposed to feel?"

Jesse looked up at her studied her. "The path of confusion..."

"Like the mire of mud-- how did you know that I was thinking about Xanor?"

He shrugged his broad shoulders, "Lal had no clue why she was there."

"It was the one place I knew no one would know me or Lal and I could think," she paced a little and looked at him," I couldn't stay on 114. Too many things were happening I was scared, I ran. What was all this about a scan?"

"Your basil physiological scan showed...matched within 90% your file," Mira admitted," the one I took six months ago for your routine physical."

Cam blinked and frowned, suddenly lost in thought. Mira patted her shoulder gently.

Jesse shuddered slightly thinking about what had just happened, watching human emotion dance over Vulcan features. T'lal he remembered would give you a flash of a smile but for the most part she remained stoic. The play of emotional light was brilliant on these features. Cam was an emotional creature.

"You're not comfortable with this," Bek observed walking quietly behind him. Jesse turned and faced the counselor. "In fact you never quite accepted that she was dead, did you?" Bek observed further.

"No something in the back of my head, instinct? told me made me deny that she was dead. I thought it was grief but--"

"Perhaps she touched your mind" Bek observed. "Perhaps you're sensitive to touch telepathy. Maybe that's what you heard that day."

"I don't know," Jesse replied softly. "I thought it was my imagination. I Didn't understand, I didn't believe."

"Do you believe now or is this a hoax?"

"Only I know how Cam--" he frowned, suddenly feeling defensive, "only I know that she died of a knife wound to the heart. I never told anyone or put it in a report. Only I know that the body burned on deck 14."

"That's right," Bek agreed. "You and Cam and T'lal. Only the three of you."

"Why didn't you turn to Sarge for help?" after a long silence, Jesse suddenly wondered looking at her.

"Sarge!" she huffed. "Jesse I couldn't trust anyone. Sarge is so freaking skeptical. I wanted to contact you but he wouldn't let me. This happened very suddenly. I suddenly became aware of thing sitting in an office staring at ship schedules, admin stuff. I was staring at this stuff and I had no clue! I broke a glass and cut my finger, I bled green. I panicked. I had no where to turn. I don't think that the day I was transferred to the Tempest I realized full what was going on. For Lal, going to 114 was going home. It was not clear, just not clear. I had no lucid thoughts, I was just numb. I couldn't even find my voice. Like a stupor...neither of us in control I guess. Shock?"

Jesse slowly closed his eyes straightened and turned away. Trust, belief? Where was the answer? Was there an answer? What to do now, where to go? His mind whirled with questions. He looked at her gently regarding him with those golden eyes framed in the soft warm skin framed by blue black hair, worn in the old Navajo way, not bobbed into a tight logical Vulcan cut. Softly feminine, slightly alien. Striking. She had a life time ahead of her...

A lifetime, she'd been to hell and back.