Edited 21-07-1997. Completed 8 September 1997.
Twenty Years.
by Nic (stardestiny@bigfoot.com)
AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION :
John and Delenn - the most beautiful relationship I have ever seen
played out in one of the most extraordinary examples of fiction.
I am a hopeless romantic and have a website dedicated to the power
of relationships
(http://www.oocities.com/Area51/Vault/8356/soul2.htm). And
finally, I have begun to write about my favourite couple.
This short piece was begun after I learnt of Sheridan's fate and it
contains early 4th season spoilers.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
DISCLAIMER :
The characters and situations contained within are the property of
jms and/or Warner Bros. No copyright infringement is intended.
TWENTY YEARS.
There was something significant about this date. It preyed on
her conscience from the moment she opened her eyes, it was a date
she felt as if she should know intimately - it spoke to her of a
time forgotten, or something she had deliberately pushed from her
mind.
She stared again at the numbers, and they were hauntingly
familiar. If only she could think of what it meant. She had
removed many things from her mind in recent years, for that was the
only way she had the strength to go on. So much pain, so many
tears - but if life, the greatest story of eternity, was to
continue, then she needed to be strong and put her own feelings
aside.
But, oh, how it had hurt in the beginning. When she could not
turn around without catching a fleeting glimpse of something she
was supposed to forget, or have another tantalising memory dangled
before her eyes.
She rapidly shook her head, as if to chase the thoughts away.
She had become adept at banishing her own feelings, as if they did
not matter. It was true that they no longer impacted her life.
Her own soul was empty and cold, but through this the souls of
others could live on. *That* was the important part.
Sighing, she stood and dressed. Time to begin another day,
and time to stop wondering about the familiar date. This
significant day had arrived, but for her it would be one like any
other. Meetings, many to talk to, to work with, to convince to
join her in the quest for light. The hardest part about winning a
war was afterward, when it was necessary to *prove* that a
difference had been made.
She closed her eyes briefly and images swarmed into her mind:
of the still-quarrelling factions and all the oppositions to this
growing alliance she was a part of. If only they would *realise*
what had been achieved so far, then perhaps things would change.
Someday. But that day would not be today. Today was significant
for some other reason, if only she could remember....
Suddenly, a thought flashed into her mind. Her son. "No,
don't think of him," she whispered to herself. Memories of him
were painful, yet there was a worse fear attached to that. Someone
else who was, no, had been, even more important. If only....
But slowly, gradually, she had been able to put it behind her,
until she no longer thought of the past on a daily basis. In fact,
she had not thought of it for the last three years, not since...
...She gasped, as the realisation came upon her. *This* date,
this terrible, terrible, date, was the one she had dreaded for
seventeen years of her life. In fact, she should have been
dreading it for the past three years as well, but fate had taken
care of that.
It was *the* date, it was the twenty years. And how terribly
ironic that she had almost missed it. After everything they had
been through, the pain and the grief, to have it end like this -
only realising at the eleventh hour that soon it would all be over
and the chance for reconciliation forever lost.
Half a universe away, another wakened. He saw the date, and
immediately closed his eyes again. He thought he had prepared for
this day, he'd believed that he was ready. But now that it was
upon him, he was suddenly scared and unwilling to accept the fate
that had been dealt to him twenty years earlier.
But there was nothing he could do to prevent it. And there
was nothing he could do to hasten it, either. All of his affairs
were in order and all that was left was the waiting, the endless
hours he knew would be pure torture.
"Hell," he swore, sitting up and running his hands through his
greying hair. This wasn't how it was supposed to end, sitting
around waiting for death to come claim him as if he were an old
man. He should be out there, doing something, anything! He
remembered the old days, the days of bittersweet glory when the
battle raged but there had been so much to live for. Now it was
all gone.
But he didn't want to die. He didn't want to face that
terrible darkness - he had already looked death in the face once
before and didn't want to see it again. He *had* conquered it
then. So why couldn't he conquer it now? ~Because she's gone...~
his heart whispered, but he ignored the words.
If he could, he would have grabbed the nearest Starfury and
flown off into the abyss of space to follow the whims of the winds
of time and destiny. It wasn't his style to run from a battle, for
he would rather face doom head on and get it over with.
He hated the waiting. He hated being trapped in a cycle of
events from which there was no escape. He hated being stuck on
some tiny planet of the non-aligned worlds, and he hated his title
of Ambassador.
Most of all, though, he hated being alone. There was not a
day that went by when he didn't think of *her* in some way, and no
matter how much he tried to forget, he didn't think he ever could.
If only he could have seen her one last time...but he didn't even
know where she was. They hadn't spoken in, what was it now? Three
years? To him it was an eternity.
They hadn't even said goodbye. There wasn't the chance. He
had fully expected to see her again, but circumstances conspired
against them. Before he knew it, she was gone from his life for
good. And now, on the last day of his life, the grim realisation
finally hit home. He would truly never see her again. Never look
upon the light in her eyes, or see the gentle, knowing smile that
caused his knees to weaken no matter how many times he looked upon
it. The sweet, soft touch of her hand on his arm, or the quiet
music of her voice - it was all gone. Even the whisper of memories
could not halt the desperate desolation beginning to settle upon
him.
She was his soulmate, and more some. She was the other half
of his soul. Surely, after everything they had been together, they
should be together one last time? But he did not want her there to
see him die. She deserved better than that.
If only things had been different....
He closed his eyes and pictured her sweet face. He reached
across the myriad of stars, willing himself to be close to her the
only way he could. "Delenn," he whispered, praying desperately
that she would hear him. "Delenn..."
She heard her name, and she jumped. She reached out a hand to
steady herself, while confusion passed through her mind. Had she
really heard *his* voice? Or was it nothing more than a memory, a
conjuncture of her own imagination?
Taking a deep breath, she finished pinning up her hair. As a
strand caught around her fingers, she smiled ruefully, thinking of
a time when something so simple as combing her hair was a
challenging task. Those days were so long ago, at the beginning of
her change and the beginnings of the most important relationship of
her life.
She smiled as she recalled the first time they set eyes upon
each other. She had known that he was special from that very first
moment, and perhaps even before. There were so many signs,
prophecies that spoke of The One who was to defeat the enemy. She
suspected she was a part of it, and knew the others would be
special.
"But I never knew just how special *he* would be," she
whispered aloud. She remembered his smile as he saw her for the
first time - for he, too, had felt the connection. But it had
taken so long, they had been so hesitant in the start.
Yet she did not regret this. Their love had been perfect.
And he was still the only one for her, her soulmate, and the one
who would die this day without ever saying goodbye. She shuddered.
It had been horrible when she first learnt that he was doomed.
But to know the actual date - it seemed even worse this way. She
didn't know whether to thank the mysterious traveller who told her
this, or to curse him forever. When they had both learnt the
date...a tear trickled down her cheek as she thought of how they
had clung together for hours. Everyone had a destiny, and his was
to die.
Shaking her head resolutely, she vowed not to think of him
anymore. She couldn't, she had important work to do and a life
without him. She barely cared that no one knew where she was and
that she could be killed at any moment. That wasn't important.
In fact, nothing was really important to her anymore, she
realised dully. Her life had become her work. And that was it.
"Do not think of him," she told herself. But it was too late. She
turned, and imagined she glimpsed his presence just behind her
shoulder. She could almost feel his hand in hers, draw in his
familiar scent, and know that he would be there to catch her if she
fell...
"...Delenn..." There it was again, *his* voice so loud inside
her head! But that was impossible, for they hadn't ever
experienced such a connection. Yet, never before had there been
such a final desperation, of a life over forever.
He was *really* leaving. And suddenly, she didn't know if she
could go on. "John..." she whispered.
He looked up. For a moment, he could have sworn that she was
standing right beside him, saying his name the way she used to.
Before the crazy words thrown in anger, and before she was gone.
Shaking his head, he raged at his actions. Why hadn't he
apologised? He couldn't even remember who began the argument, or
what it was about.
All he recalled were his final words. "Don't come after me,
Delenn, because you won't like what you find."
And he left. She left. To separate worlds and separate
lives. At first, he'd rationalised the separation. They knew how
dangerous it was to both them and their children to be together,
but reasoned that a reconciliation was inevitable sometime. It was
just around the corner, he told himself initially, so he wouldn't
waste time thinking about her. It hurt too much.
And time had slipped away on him. This was the end, twenty
years, and they had not seen each other. Hadn't even exchanged a
message. Now it all hurt so much.
He stood up, smoothing down his rumpled clothing and realising
that it was almost too late. Perhaps he could record her a
message, telling her that he loved her and had never stopped
loving. But no, that would be too cruel.
Instead, he closed his eyes and reached out to her once again.
If she could truly hear him, then perhaps, perhaps he could say
goodbye. "Delenn," he tried again, one final time. His hear
pounded in time with the clock: the steady, inexorable ticking
until the end.
This time, she *knew* it was him. "John," she replied, tears
streaking down her cheeks even as she smiled. She closed her eyes
and could see him. Where he was, she didn't know, but that did not
matter. Her one love was standing strong, so brave and handsome
and noble. So loving, the love in his mind for *her* was so
powerful it was tangible. She *felt* his presence. And she
reached out.
The two soulmates met in a place of joy and light, their
spirits joined one last time while their physical bodies remained
trapped by the realities of time and space. In the glowing light,
Delenn stared deep into his eyes, fathomless eyes in which she had
lost herself so many times. She reached out to take his hand.
John grasped it and then pulled her close, into a terrible,
tragic embrace that would have to last them for eternity. "I'm so
sorry," he whispered.
"Don't be," she replied, her voice quavering. "There is
nothing to apologise for."
And in that moment, the last three years of hurt and
loneliness vanished. There was no more hatred and nothing to
forgive. Only the impending sense of terrible loss loomed.
They clung to each other, breathing as one, hearts beating as
one, each trying to block out the steady tock of time.
"I love you," she whispered.
He stared down into her face, that one last time. "I have to
go," he said sorrowfully. "I love you, Delenn. I will forever."
Slowly, he faded, his presence drifting from her and all the
time she stared with distraught eyes. "No!"
"I will find you again..." he whispered, and then he opened
his eyes, alone in his room. It was time.
~A place where no shadows fall~ - the words echoed in his
mind, but as he stared at the stars from the small window, he could
*see* the shadows, the darkness climbing from the edges of his
vision and threatening to swallow everything he ever knew.
"Delenn...goodbye," he thought, and then it was over.
Half a universe away, a newborn baby cried.
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