The Real Man's Guide To Better Living
Here you should expect to learn the following:
Let's begin...
Men aren't born men; they're made and molded into men. Through life's lessons a true man learns that there is only one guiding force in life-- himself. He sets his own examples. He catcalls women while on his lunch break. He drinks inordinate amounts of alcohol. He burps and farts without hesitation. He stores his porno collection in plain view of guests. He never does housework unless he's cleaning the grill. He never wakes up before noon. And he never sleeps unless he's passed out.
In a nutshell, that is a man.
We all have what it takes to be a real man. The only problem is that since the coming of age of political-correctness, it has been unfashionable to boast of being a man, much less act like one. Recent years have been especially harsh to those men who long for the good old days of sex and food on demand. Indeed, it has sometimes seemed as if no true men would ever roam the face of the earth openly again. Real men have often been forced to go into hiding for fear of being ostracized by the victim-oriented media majority, an evil group of naysayers that blams all the worlds' problems on real men. Communist propaganda tactics have been especially useful to this group in their neverending quest to subvert the natural beneficiary qualities of manliness.
To be fair, such a dastardly operation would be somewhat of a tall order if not for the general stupidity of the population at large and a disorganized manly movement. These two additional elements make it easier for foes to portray manliness as unrealistic and archaic, even unmanly! If these conspirators are to have their way, the new version of the Manly Man will be someone who is sensitive, not bound by the constraints of common sense, and explores his feelings to the point where he ceases to become a man and becomes more of a woman. Theoretically, this creates a world where the natural inequities between the sexes are not only seen as wrong, but eventually cease to exist. Of course, the way of the world tells us that these inequities exist and always will. The repression of such natural states can only backfire and must be staved off in order to avoid a backlash of colossal proportions which would only be harmful to everyone involved.
Now that you see what you are up against and how far the fight must be taken, you realize that only you are truly capable of knowing whether you are up to the task of being a Real Man. Do you have it in you? I think so. I think this because everywhere today the manly movement stirs once more. It is tired of being shunned and viewed as shameful. It beckons and tempts every man back into his rightful position on the evolutionary scale of life: the position of Real Man.
And it senses a glimmer of hope in every man's eye...
The working man does the work as it is required of him. If getting the job done means to go above and beyond the call of duty, then a real working man does so. It is as simple as that.
If, however, a working man should have a boss or a coworker who is a member of the communist party, it is his civic duty to shoot that person, regardless of possible harm to job status.
A real man must not hesitate at his plate when presented a hearty, meaty meal. Real men do not subside on vegetables alone. If a man has actually hunted and killed the meat on his plate, more power to him. If the meat on his plate was a member of the communist party, bonus points.
A real man also has a refrigerator stocked full of beer so that he can enjoy his meal to the fullest. Some of the more serious real men pepper their supply with 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor and cheap wines normally associated with homeless people.
*NOTE! It is imperative that a real man never cook his own meal except in the following circumstances:
In any other circumstance the wife or girlfriend shall be the preparer of the meals.
This is one of the most underrated aspects of true manhood. A man can behave in all ways like a man, but if his manly behavior has wooed the services of some lucky young lassy for the night, he must have the appropriate entertainment at his disposal. Otherwise, his manly posturing is all for naught. The two most telling aspects of the entertained man are his tastes in music and movies.
MUSIC:
A man's music is his attitude. Wuss music conveys a very unmanly hen-peck-me-until-I-die
attitude. So it is very important that a man's music collection reflect
how he leads his life. The music must at the very least reflect the musician's
honesty to himself, just as a man is always perfectly honest to himself
and nobody else. Music that was written to sell records or swoon the swans
does not fit into the manly music category. To give you an idea of what
is meant by this, links to manly and unmanly music have been provided:
Manly And Unmanly Music
FILMS:
A manly movie collection is a bit more straightforward than a manly
music collection. Even a small child only has to watch Die Hard
for about five minutes before he realizes that Bruce Willis is the epitome
of a true man. Likewise with any John Wayne or Clint Eastwood movies. Examples
of manly cinema should not really even need to be provided, but for the
sake of fairness, here are some:
Manly And Unmanly
Cinema
Enough said about manly entertainment. It speaks for itself.
Despite popular opinion, not all sports are manly. The most obvious exception is platform diving. And of course, strictly speaking, no womanly sport can be manly. In order to qualify as a manly sport, the athletic activity must involve matching one man's physical strength against another man's physical strength. Football and wrestling make the cut, as does ice hockey. Rugby, soccer, and lacrosse are most definitely manly. Baseball is an automatic qualifier since it has been a huge part of many real men's manly-molding process. Not so long ago, basketball would have been spit on at manly conventions everywhere, but recent changes in the way in which the game is played have made it somewhat manly. Hunting is not really an athletic event but since it involves guns and meat, it also qualifies as a manly sport. All other sporting activities are inherently unmanly.
The real man's social circle, much like his nemesis the wimpy man's, is made up of his friends and his family. A real man's friends come first before a real man's girlfriend or spouse. If the man's woman does not understand this basic tenet of manhood, then she is not a real man's woman. Buddies and beer are always more important than a wench and her whining. Your buddies are there to remind you of your manliness; prolonged exposure to a womanly environment strains even the strongest of manly men.
In the rare occasion that a man is around his woman though, it is important to remember that women say dumb things naturally. A real man understands this and never loses his nerve around his woman. Lest you have already forgotten the ways of women, you need only to briefly glance at a few of my women friends' womanly pages to be reminded.
Womanly
Page #1
Womanly
Page #2
Just remember that the next time they are talking about some poem they read or their love for a clearly effeminate band such as Duran Duran, they can't help it. A real man never pulls an O.J. on his woman. By this I mean he is neither permitted to hit his woman nor is he allowed to slice off her head. It is OK for a man to yell at his woman if she cooks a bad meal or refuses to clean the house though.
If a man and his spouse should conceive a male child, the man shall instill in his child all the manly virtues that he has learned. Should the child be a female, the real man lets his woman take the child under her tutelage and familiarize the child with the art of hausfrauing..
Women are the ultimate test for a man. For if a man cannot control his libido then a woman must be controlling it, and thus a man can never truly be a Manly Man. Disciplined character is, above all, a manly trait (a man is only permitted to be undisciplined when it comes to ingesting large quantities of alcohol). Keep in mind that this disciplined approach in no way condones a lethargic sex life.
Control of one's libidinous urges not only means that one should not aim to fornicate with every woman on the planet, but also that once a man finds his Manly Woman, he shall not aim to fornicate with anyone else. For if a man becomes a slave to the charm of some seductress, he has lost his Manly Man status. He has also insulted and injured the rarest of worldy commodities: his Manly Woman.
Part IV: Being A Man
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