(to the tune of 'Industrial Disease' - Dire Straits)
The kitchen staff are cooking, there's no quality at all
Somebody threw a wobbler and they threw him out of Halls
There's rumbles in the stomach and there's pizzas in the town
But no-one can afford them since the grants came down.
They don't know what the soup is, they're trying to place the smell
Is it leek or is it mushroom, they really can not tell.
A lad was hit by cutard and was throwing back his peas
Goodness me could this be University Disease?
The feminists have justified a special womens post
Refusing to be pacified it's men they blame the most.
The Union says: "Maybe", they're very keen to please,
Everyone's concerned with University Disease.
There's panic in the exam, they're paralysed with fear.
Some come out in resits, some retake the year
Some blame the lecturers, some the lecturees,
Everybody knows it's University Disease!
The students are discussing the work they should have done.
They've all of them forgotten, all except for one;
He's got lots of friends now, and everyone agrees
He can copy theirs next time if he gives in to their pleas.
In Maxwell and in Newton it's full of Engineers
Mod-langers live in Crescent, all except the second years,
The heater's off in Brindley so the Economics freeze,
Sociologists don't have lectures but they've got University...
...Disease
Dr. Laidler declared "I'm surprised to see you here.
"This is the first lecture you've been to all year.
"I don't know why the council are prepared to pay your fees,
"Maybe they've all got University Disease."
He gave us out ssome questions, he said: "This is a test.
"You can not use your notes, but I'm sure you'll do your best.
"Come back and see me later next lecture please.
"Send in another group with University Disease."
I went down to the University for the first time in days
I was up till two this morning, so I'm in a kind of haze.
There were two of us in lectures, there should have been fifteen,
Some are apathetic, some are not as keen.
One's gone on a visit to see some factories,
One of them is injured: he's broken both his knees.
One can't read the timetable: he's Japanese
But all the rest have got University Disease.
Some went down to Manchester to see what they could find,
Some didn't have the energy to exercise their minds,
Some are down at the Brittania drinking beer in twos and threes
They're playing darts and snooker with drunken expertise.
One girl's still in bed, she says: "I'll get up soon."
She's been there since Monday morning, now it's Friday afternoon.
Some are very studious, they're dying for degrees...
... How come they didn't get University Disease?
- by Dan Hodgson
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