Get Other To Listen

Get Other To Listen
By Kenneth Wong with Adam Khoo

Do you feel people don’t listen when you talk? Having a tough time convincing friends and family? A brand new set f communication skills is what you need to get others to listen.

Remember the time when you and your pals got into a huge tiff over which blockbuster movie to watch? "No’ this is way more exciting." "No,this one’s got Gwyneth Paltrow". "If you like her so much, then go see it alone lah!" Or how about when dad adamantly refused to purchase that 300 MHz computer no matter how hard you pleaded." No son, you don’t need it". "Yesss I Do dad!" Aw, c’mon! Your cries fade. Chances are, you have had your fair share of running into walls where friends and family seem to be either disputing your every move, or not giving much credence to your opinion. So,what on earth do you have to do to begin winning them over? Well, let’s first check out…

Why they don’t want to listen
First, according to Adam Khoo (author of "I’m Gifted, So Are You") people in general haven’t learnt how to communicate effectively. We’re often too naggy, overly insensitive and always commit the big mistake of trying to impose on others our values, beliefs and attitudes. If you can recall a recent argument you had at school or at home, you’d probably realize that above all else, you thought that you were always right from the beginning. But, what do you think is going though your friend’s mind? Yup! It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? They’re going to believe like you that whatever their point of view is, it’s right! So then, if every body thinks that they’re right, can you imagine how many people will be willing to listen to each other?
Second, you may have come across as too aggressive whilst trying to deliver your point. What your message is doesn’t really matter, afterall it’s a fact that content is 7% of communication. 30% is verbal (tone of your voice) and 50% non-verbal (body language). To understand this point better, try saying "Thank You" really loud with a deeply creased frown. Even if you meant well,"Thank You" said in an inappropriate tone with a body language that threatens will not get you your desired response
And thirdly, no one really wants to listen because people by and large are a selfish lot. They don’t necessarily want to know what you think, nor care about what’s good for you, nor hear about your problems, nor help you solve them unless…there’s something in it for them. It’s sad, but that’s the ugly side of human nature for you.

Three-step moder for effective communication
Now that you know the reasons why people don’t listen, you can begin to replace the old patterns of communication and stsrt using a new one that basically avoids all the abovementioned pitfalls," If what you’re doing isn’t giving you positive results, use another approach." Whether it’s influencing your pals to watch Gwyneth Paltrow on the big screen, getting dad to buy that computer or discussing the weekend’s activities with your stead, the framework for persuasion remains pretty similar. Here, Adam suggests such a three-step moder which can be universally applied to win people over to your side.

1) Monbate Your Audience
Your dad might not be too kep on buying you a computer in case you spend the day playing video games instead of studying. Traditional whining (" I Want! I Want! I Want!" ) and begging ("Please!) may do it for some, but chances are, you’ll drive him nuts and not get nowhere close to a "yes". Rather than expressing your sole wanton need, think and talk in terms of how the other party will stand to benefit. When people know that there’s something to be gained, they"ll be more receptive to what you have to say. In this case, if you can list for your dad how buying a computer for you will benefit him (better report card, you bug him less for school projects, access news sites and special interest groups on the internet on his behalf, a word processor for the family, etc.) then you would’ve got him thinking.

2)
Once you’ve got the other party interested, the nest step is to establish rapport-a relationship so special that they almost treat you like their own flesh and blood. This is achieved by entering into the person’s moder of the world. This simply means that you have to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see their side of the story, their opinions, their needs and wants.
Even better if you can use humour, model or mimic the person’s body language and speech patterns. If she frequently rubs her nose and speaks rather slowly, you might want to follow suit-rub your nose and pace your speech like hers. If his fave word is "cool" or "Yahh", work a couple of them into your conversation. Soon enough, the other party will notice your gestures and quite unconsciously think,"Wow, this person’s really like me!". Crack a joke here and there and before you know it, they’ll start treating you as if you were their closest pal. Think about it… Why wouldn’t you entertain someone who speaks, acts, dresses and behaves like you?

3) Question To Win
People take pride in being able to think independently and arriving at their own conclusions. But they’re also equally resistant if and when they are told how to go about completing the task.Your mind probably shuts off when nagged into thinking or doing something you don’t believe in, right? This is exactly why forcing upon people what you feel is right never works. They’re also right remember? Instead, give them the pleasure of suggesting what you really want by using questions to lead them to the desired outcome. Back to the computer purchase, ask dad questions that will cause him to arrive at the conclusion that buying one is the very best he could do for you, "Dad, how do you think I could be ahead of my class during projects?","What do you think I could use to speed up the completion of my papers?" or "How do you suggest I keep up with IT (information technology)?" A computer? Sounds good.
Okay, here’s another example. You’re really keen on watching a movie, but your stead just wants to go home and sleep. Rather than rant and rave about the movie and pout at his lack of interest, lead him through a series of questions that will encourage a change in mind. You could ask him, "Hey, don’t you think you’ll enjoy a Harrison Ford movie?"," I hear that your pals really digged the show, should’t we see if we like it?" or "Why not catch it today, I know you’ll busy nest week, right?" You basically want the other person to make "the decision" on their own. Your role at any one point is to play the part of a patient and understanding individual.

Good communication skills are not difficult to learn. It’s seems tough only because we like to have things thought and fone our way, even in the presence of others who are just as capable if not more. Good commnication begins with listening and understanding. Your response afterwards should get across clearly while safeguarding everybody else’s interest. If they’re talking, you listen. If it’s different, do not criticize. If they’re unresonable, be reasonable. If you fail one way, try another approach. It’s all about common sense. But aboveall, the best communication is one that possesses the greatest flexibility in thought. It’s about being able to accommodate someone else’s point of view and not get upset if they decide not to go along with yours.