The New Testament
Phoenix - The Recreation of Man
1 The two worked together, 2 planning on how to work it out
so that the Lord would have no worries 3 and the Yamcumber would
have plenty of wonderful people to study and learn about. 4 They
discussed how strict their beliefs should be, 5 what they are to
look like, 6 and if any modifications should be made to make
them slightly vegetable also. 7 God decided to have the unborn
babies rooted to the mother in her womb with a life cord, 8 but
no other physical changes should be made. 9 The new humans will
always be dedicated to the holy religions, 10 but how they worship
will not be forced on them. 11 They both agreed to those changes
and they set about to making the new race. 12 And the Lard and
the Yamcumber made the new man from the clay of the earth, 13 and
God breathed life into his lungs. 14 This was done on the shortest
day of the year, 15 and for the rest of eternity, this day is to be
known as the Dawn of the Phoenix. 16 On this day, every family
must sacrifice one small woodland creature, or one mascot, whichever
is more readily available, 17 and
the consumption of all vegetables must cease for one day.
18 So proclaimeth the Lord. 19 On that day both man and woman
were created, 20 yet even though it was the shortest day of the
year, God and the glorious Yam only took half the day to create
them. 21 Praised be the Lord, and 22 all hail the Yamcumber.
Divisions - A Separation of Men
1 Over time the humans evolved to be a wondrous race.
2 Full of gifted people who used their knowledge or strength for
the betterment of their fellow people. 3 God was very pleased
with everything he saw, 4 and loved his world. 5 From these
people the wondrous Yamcumber learned so very much, that even his
own powers were becoming apparent to him. 6 Again the Lord was
amazed with the Yamcumber. 7 One day the Lord came to the
Yamcumber, and said "Our people are so penitent, and loving. 8 They
deserve a leader to pull them through the tough times I see for them
ahead." 9 "Tough times? God, the world is in complete harmony
and peace. How could there possibly be any trouble anywhere?"
10 "I do not understand it myself, but I know it comes." 11 So
the Yamcumber pondered the situation a moment, and an answer came
to him. 12 "Lord, let my seed impregnate a human woman. 13 This
child will be their savior. 14 He must be born. 15 It is his
destiny." 16 God agreed that that would be the best thing to do,
17 and the Yamcumber went to search for the only woman pure enough
to bring his bud into the world. 18 She had to be pure of heart
and soul. 19 The almighty Yamcumber completed his search, and
impregnated her, 20 yet she stayed a virgin. 21 As her pregnancy
progressed, she became more and more confused. 22 She had had
no intercourse, yet she was pregnant. 23 So the Lard sent an angle
to her. 24 When the angle appeared to her she was even more confused.
25 "Why are you an angle and not an angel?"
26 "When the Almighty One created His angles, 27 He realized how
much suffering this would place on students of higher learning
institutions everywhere. 28 In His great wisdom, in order not
to confuse His angles with those created by man, 29 He created
a new type of angle." 30 "...you?" 31 "Yes, I am his messenger,
32 and I am here to explain your situation. 33 Your race is
in a very peaceful time right now, 34 but soon will come the Divisions.
35 Your child will bring the world through
its troubles. 36 He is to be named Jesus.
37 The father of the child is none other than the all-knowing Yamcumber.
38 Bless you child. 39 Praised be the Lord.
40 All Hail the Yamcumber."
41 After the angle came to her, she gave birth three weeks later.
42 The child grew and was taught all about his Father and the Lard,
43 and when he reached manhood, he was told his destiny by his mother.
44 As the boy was growing up the Divisions began. 45 Certain groups
of people began to interpret the Wurd of Gawd in different ways.
46 Many of the differences began as minute things, 47 but over time
they inflated to large problems. 48 The harmony of the land was
beginning to fall apart. 49 Many small sects grew and all believed
in the Lord, 50 but some doubted the power of the Yamcumber. 51 The
two biggest warring factions were the People of Yam and the Church
of the Roundheads. 52 The Roundheads believed that the Yamcumber
had no power at all 53 and those who believed he did deserved to have
their heads flattened, 54 and the People of Yam were so confused
that anyone could doubt the Yamcumber, 55 they believed all non-believers
should be destroyed. 56 Over time the peace of the land completely
disappeared, and utter war broke out. 57 The two sides were killing
each other in a personal crusade for their beliefs. 58 The war
raged on, even with the efforts of the Lord, the Yamcumber, and
Jesus trying to stop the war. 59 Eventually Jesus himself became
a target, 60 and was crucified by the Roundheads. 61 This was all
the Lord and the Yamcumber could handle. 62 They had to do something now.
St.Yamcumber the Apostle - Redemption, Repentance and Revelations
1 After Christ was crucified, God and the Yamcumber appeared over the
battlefield 2 commanding everyone to stop. 3 They explained
that the Yamcumber was a very powerful vegetable, 4 but that he
was still only a servant of the Lord. 5 They went on to say that
the murder of Jesus was wrong. 6 To repent their sins they must
redeem themselves 7 by eating the bud of the all-knowing vegetable
8 therefore feeding their hunger for knowledge. 9 Thus this
sort of thing could never happen again 10 and they could be for
given in the eyes of the Lord their God. 11 And the people partook
of the vegetable known as Jesus, 12 and they were enlightened
to the truth. 13 The Yamcumber said "I love all of you, 14 and
I gave you the greatest gift I could ever give. 15 I am pained
to see the loss of my child, but I am pleased to see this land in harmony again."
16 And the Yam so loved the Earth, that he gave his only begotten bud,
that whosoever believeth in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting
life. 17 To this day the Yamcumber is with all of us and watches
over us with a protective eye, and a special place in his heart.
18 All hail the Yamcumber.