Last night I was watching a movie (John Waters' PINK FLAMINGOS, if you must know) with my insane Taiwanese girlfriend, Communist Spice. The movie ended, and suddenly the TV set was displaying regular old boring broadcast network stuff. A commercial was on. . . a commercial for a new Disney movie called MULAN. My girlfriend became very excited, and told me that the movie was based on a true story from Chinese history. Smelling a scoop (please insert joke here), I fired up our laptop and asked her to tell me the story of Mulan while I transcribed it for my friends on the Internet. I now present you with the ensuing conversation, faithfully rendered with no editing, exactly as it transpired last night:
(PLEASE NOTE: CS = 'COMMUNIST SPICE' MOB = 'M. OTIS BEARD')
MOB: Tell me the story of Mulan, please. I want to tell my friends on the Internet about it.
CS: I want tell you things first. When you get mad I am happy. (laughs) What?
MOB: Tell me the story of Mulan.
CS: No! I need to drink.
MOB: OK, go get yourself a drink.
CS: No, you get a drink for me, then I tell you story. I want ice, then lemon juice. Go get drink for me. Go! When you are finish get me drink, I tell you story.
MOB: OK.
(pause)
MOB: Here's your lemonade.
CS: Thank you very much. (drinks) Are you really serious?
MOB: Yes.
CS: You want to hear story of Mulan for you friend Internet?
MOB: Yes.
CS: You will report anything I am say?
MOB: Yes.
CS: You are fat. (laughs) You are stupid American man, never go to Hawaii. (laughs) Why you naked, sit there type with no pants? (laughs) Why? (laughs) You let me touch you bird, I tell you story. (laughs)
MOB: Tell me the story of Mulan.
CS: Do you let me touch you bird?
MOB: Yes.
CS: OK.
(long pause)
MOB: Tell me the story of Mulan.
CS: Yes, I will. The Mulan, she is girl. Let me touch you bird.
MOB: Tell me the story of Mulan!
CS: No! OK. Probably thousand years ago or hundred years ago - yes, thousand years ago, because Chinese they have finding protect country. Everybody want a king, everybody want become the king, and the Mulan's village, that king say "Every family must have least have one man go to finding. . . go to attack war." Do you understand?
MOB: Yes.
CS: But Mulan just her family just have one old father, and one younger brother. The brother is too young like probably six years old or nine years old, and father is too old, and one day the work for kings men come to their house say. . . because Mulan his last name is Hua, and then he say "Your family must have one man go out . . . go out, protect country, attack war" and Mulan say "Please don't let my older father go" and he say "OK, let your brothers go." Mulan say "No, my younger brother too young, they will die." And the man say "I don't care" and then he just go away and go back. And father say "It's OK, Mulan take care your brother, take care your mother. Tomorrow I will go to attack war." And then, Mulan know if her father go to attack war, he will die because he is too old, and then she cry. She say "Father don't go, please don't go." And then say "We must to."
And at night Mulan just thinking "How I can help my father?" and then she got a idea, she say "Yes!" and then she say "I can substitution my father go to attack a war!" and she didn't talk anybody. And when probably in the morning before she write a letter for their father, say "Father, don't worry. I take care of myself. And then I will go to war, fighting."
And Mulan go to there. She is not like woman. She work like man! She know . . . she learn how to the kill people and she ride a horse very handsome. And then she become the group leader. And then she follow work leader fighting lots of place.
You know China is big, right?
MOB: Yes.
CS: Yes, China very big. And then want to become just one king. And they have lots of people want to be king, and then they take another village, take another village! And then Mulan, she's a work, and the leader very like her, and he say "Good boy! You work very good. I will report to king, let king know." And then Mulan just don't care because she know she is girl.
And they work together. And finally, the work is finish. The king, they kill another people, become one king.
And finally leader go with Mulan see the king. And then king say "I do whatever you want. Mulan, you say whatever you want. You want money, or you want girl, or you want very high work for king. . . whatever you want you can say." Mulan say "OK, you king, you say I can say whatever I want." King say "Yes, is right!" and Mulan say "OK, I am girl. I want to be back girl. Please don't punish me."
And then all people scared, they shock! King is shock! Never have girl is go to attack war before. And never have girls fighting like man. Because Chinese man just think woman just stay home take care of child, that's all. So Mulan is special.
And then, king accept her answer. And then, Mulan say "I also want my father and my mother they have good house to live, that's all." And king say "Yes."
And then she marry to leader.
MOB: And they lived happily ever after?
CS: Yes. Is right. Now let me touch you bird.