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A dating Amish couple, Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid January and very cold. Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."

Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."

Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"

Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.... Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."

The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"

Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"

Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing - they sure are messy when they melt!"

*****
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat. "Because I sure didn't!"

*****
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!"

The husband says, "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."


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