An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The dumbfounded bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey, eat pussy and shoot the shit."

Young American native asks the Chief of the tribe, " Father, how does one go about naming their children in this tribe"

"Well," said the chief, "when a child is born, they are named after the first thing their parents see. My father saw a big bear. That's why I'm called Big Bear. Just like Little Doe, your sister and Wild Horse your brother. Why do you ask this question, Two Dogs Humping?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town and the Lone Ranger is thirsty. "Tonto, I go into saloon, get firewater. I'm spitting dust," and they entered the saloon together.

The innkeeper said, "We do not allow Indians in here."

"That alright, Kimo sobe. Me wait outside and do exercises," offered Tonto. "You know... few push-ups and jogs around block."

Outside the Indian began running in place to quicken his heartbeat. A cowboy notices the Indian and goes inside. "You the Lone Ranger?" he asks the masked-man at the bar. "I think you left your engine running."

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around his waist holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

There were once two Indians traveling across the Great Plains. One Indian stopped all of a sudden and stood up on his horse and said, "Me hear something."

The other Indian said, "What you hear?"

So the first Indian said, "Me don't know." Then he got down off his horse and put his ear to the ground. All of a sudden he jumped up and yelled, "Buffalo come!"

The second Indian said, "How you know buffalo come?"
And the first Indian said, "Ear Sticky!"

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East Coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.

An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the madam answers, he says, "Me want woman!"

The madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a woman, huh?"
He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Got money. Give it to you, you bet."
"But do you have experience?" the madam answers.
"Experience?," asked the Indian.
"Have you done this before?"
"No, but me want woman. Got money, you bet."

The madam laughs and says, "I'll tell you what honey; you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees. When you know what you're doing, you come back and see me."

So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the madam answers the door he says, "Me want woman. Got experience, you bet."

So the madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls. When they get settled in the room, the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she does he rips the wooden leg off a nearby chair and smacks her smartly on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed through sobbing lips.
"Checking for bees, you bet."

Little Red Running Deer went to the White medicine man and complained, "Big Chief, no shit"

The medicine man picked up one of his herbal remedies and said, "Give this to Big Chief, it will cure his problem immediately."

Little Running Deer took the medicine and disappeared, but he was back in two hrs. "What is it now?" the medicine man said. "Big Chief, no shit."

"Wat?" the medicine man pondered for a moment and then rummaged through his collection of remedies for a stronger potion. "Here, give this to the Chief. This will cure him."

Little Running Deer Disappeared, but he returned again in two hrs. "Big Chief, no shit."

Now, the medicine man was really irritated. He picked out the strongest potion he had and took out a huge, white horse pill. "Here, give this to the Chief. If this dun cure him, nothing will!"

Little Running Deer disappeared, but this time he was back within the hour.
"WHAT?" roared the medicine man.
"Big shit, no Chief."

The Native Americans asked their chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!"

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh … my … God … we're going to be millionaires!"

Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"

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