A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

Cat jokes
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Dog jokes
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Henry's new job had him spending a lot of time on the road, and out of concern for his wife's safety he visited a pet shop to look at watchdogs. "I have just the dog for you," said the salesman, showing him a miniature Pekinese.

"Come on," Henry protested, "that little thing couldn't hurt a flea."

"Ah, but he knows karate," the salesman replied. "Here, let me show you." He pointed to a cardboard box and ordered, "Karate the box!"

Immediately the dog shredded it. The salesman then pointed to an old wooden chair and instructed, "Karate the chair!" The dog reduced the chair to matchsticks.

Astounded, Henry bought the dog. When he got home, Henry announced that he had purchased a watchdog, but his wife took one look at the Pekinese and unimpressed. "That scrawny thing couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag!" she said.

"But this Pekinese is special," Henry insisted. "He's a karate expert."
"Now I've heard everything," Helen replied. "Karate my ass!"

A woman was convinced her dog was going deaf. She took her to the vet, and after examining the dog the vet explained, "Mrs. Jones, your dog is fine. She just has ingrown hair in her ears!"

He then proceeded to tell her to buy NAIR at the local drug store. Once there the pharmacist asked if he could help. When she said she just needed NAIR, the pharmacist explained that there were many different types. "For your underarms, I would recommend the spray."

"No," she replied. "Well, then, for your legs, I would recommend the lotion, but don't wear panty hose right away ".
"No," she replied. Then she said, "Actually, it's for my schnauzer."
"Oh, in that case I would recommend the cream, and don't ride a bicycle for a week!"

Two men were walking their dogs and spending the day outside with them. One man got hungry, and spotting a restaurant, suggested to the other man they go grab a bite to eat.

The other man said, "We can't go in there! No dogs are allowed!

The first man said, "Just watch this." He put on some sunglasses and walked into the restaurant. The manager promptly told him that he couldn't bring the dog in. He told the manager that it was ok. The dog was his seeing eye dog.

The manager said, "They're using Dobermans now?"
The man assured him they were, and was able to stay.

The other man went into the restaurant with his dog. The manager promptly stopped him and told him he couldn't bring in his dog. He said, "But you don't understand, it's my seeing eye dog."

The manager said, "Now they're using chihuahuas!"
At which time the other man said, "What! Well, that's what they gave me!"
And he was let in.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an IBM employee, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog's name was "T Square." He told the dog to go to the black board and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which he did with no trouble.

The FORD employee's dog was named "Slide-rule." He was told to go fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles of three each, which he did.

The AT&T telephone employee said that was pretty good, but he told his dog, "Measure," to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in to a ten ounce glass. He did perfectly.

The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty smart, and waited to see what the State employee's dog, who was named: "Coffee break," could do.

At the snap of the owner's fingers, "Coffee break" strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the three other dogs, claimed he injured his back, file a Worker's Compensation form, and went home on sick leave.

A fellow goes to a friend's house for dinner. At the table he is thinking, how can I eat when I have such gas? He decides to release a little pressure and let some of it out. Everyone could hear a small sound like air coming out of the neck of a balloon.... "Squeak."

The woman looks at the dog and says, " Bad Rover!" The dog is puzzled and lowers his head in false shame as he sits on the floor next to the man.

The man thinks ah well, she believes it's the dog. I can relieve myself a little more. That will even feel better. Again there is a small noise. "Squeak."

"Rover!" the woman says again.

The fellow thinks just a little more and I'll be able to eat. Again the squeak occurs. The woman says, "Rover, move before he shits all over you..."

Two dogs were sitting in a Vet's office. The bigger of the dogs mutters a gruff, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting "fixed". Whenever I see my master I get so horny I just jump on her and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

The first dog says "Yeah I know what you mean. One morning my master had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it.... I jumped up and stated taking it from the rear!"

The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to get fixed too huh?"
"Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog, so off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs.

Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.

He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as the local fire chief opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the chief responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the entire Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest dogs and wolves in the world."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

This important woman went to Israel. When she got off the plane, she said, "Where's my dog? Where's the case?"
The EL-AL people finally find the case in the baggage room. They open it up--and the dog is dead.

They're all upset--they know the woman will kill them. They go and get the manager, and they tell him the dog is dead and the woman is carrying on waiting for her dog. She's shrieking, she's complaining, she wants to sue us.

The manager says, "Look, it's a cocker spaniel. Next door there's a pet shop. Go buy a cocker spaniel the same color and size. She'll never know the difference."

They run and buy a cocker spaniel and put it in the case. They yell, "Lady! Lady! We found your dog."
She says, "It's about time!" She looks in the carrier and says, "That's not my dog!"
The manager says, "How do you know that's not your dog?"
She says, "My dog is dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers. "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said.

"Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.

Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where an oncoming car brushes him. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dog's butt-- I'm just trying to find out which end is which."

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -
Either way, you get your dog back!"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals."

In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he re-boarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was all right, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was all right.

He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway."

"But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"
"Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal."
Suddenly, the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel.

He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."

This blind guy walked into a Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with anything?"
"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Thoughts about dogs…
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
In dog years, I'm dead.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

The American Kennel Club has been resisting adding any new category of dog breeds to their list. Now they have given up their fight to keep the old time list and have become more tolerant of adding additional breeds.

Here is what the AKC now recognizes:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound , a dog for financial advisors.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu = Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out BULB?

Bloodhound: I know there's a light bulb around here somewhere, I can smell it, I just can't seem to find it, it's right around here I just know it......

Border Collie: Just one. I'll do it. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code, and I'll dispose of the scraps of wire and glass. Where's the broom?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp. It's up too high. <whine>
Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the lightbulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Puleeeeeze let me do it!!!

Jack Russell Terrier: Give it to me! I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. I love trampolines, don't you? Boinga, boinga, boinga....

Lhasa Apso: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. I can nap on your lap just fine in the dark. All I need is your lap.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, it's right there! Right there! See it? See it? It's there, I tell you,
it's there!

Schnouzer: Whose got time to change light bulbs. You're pulling my leg. Sniff sniff.... You've got a nice leg. Pardon me while I raise my leg.

German Shepherd: Ok, I'm up for it, but you need to explain it in detail, each movement required etc, at least 10 times.

West Highland Terrier: OK, I will put it on my 'to do' list, I have got to rush up and down this garden barking for at least another hour, then take a run at that stupid Lab which will be coming along very soon, he loved it really.

Poodle: I couldn't POSSIBLY. My nails aren't dry yet.
Doberman Pinscher: Leave it alone. I like the dark. I work better with no lights on. Heh heh heh.....
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. (sigh) You can feed me while he's busy.
Basset Hound : Who cares? (yawn)
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. (sniff)
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: <groan> Can somebody else do it? I've got this WICKED hangover.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. It's not rabbit shaped, it has no scent. It's irrelevant.
Australian Shepherd: OK, first, I'll huddle all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Boxer: Light bulb??? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? What's a light bulb?
Hound Dog: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Scottie: Snap 'tinkle' Has anyone got another bulb, this one is broken.
Staffordshire Bull Terrier: Sorry my head won't fit inside the shade.
Rhodesian Ridge Back: (Thunder of approaching feet) Crash, tinkle thud, splat. Oh, my head hurts.

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not one of a people, so the question is how long will it be before I can expect light? Where is the people who will do it? (sigh) Good help is
So hard to find. I must lick now.

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, 'Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.'

'Incredible!' exclaimed the man. 'I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!'

'No, no,' pleaded the dog. 'Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!'

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to: "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And then Adam gazed into Cat's eyes; he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Chicken Jokes
PART ONE
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dats dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a SPLAT. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Hell no, dis budgie jumpin is too damn dangerous for me."

PART TWO
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrots head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!
As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin dat parrotshooting noider."

PART THREE
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks with another peeper bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head:
"Hell Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you damn hengliding."

The farmer's best cock rooster died. He needed one badly to fertilize eggs so he could hatch a bigger brood of chickens. He went into town and heard of one for sale. Contacting the owner he said, I'll buy that guy. No, you're a local man and I really don't want to cheat you. Not this horny cock. You don't want him. He'll only cause you trouble.

"If he's so horny, I'll take him. Just what I'm looking for.

So the farmer took him home and all afternoon the chicken coop echoed with the noise of squawking hens. That evening, the cows raised a ruckus. Later, the pigs were heard squealing. All night long the noise went on and on.

In the morning the farmer thought to lock up his wife and daughter and go out into the farmyard and check his animals. Sure enough in the middle of the yard lay the prostrate rooster, really looking the worse for wear. Overhead circled two or three buzzards.

"That fellow was right. I lost money on you, you horny little bastard. You've screwed yourself to death. Why couldn't you have paced yourself? You'd have had the run of this place for years."

The rooster looked at him with one eye cocked open and said "Shuss your talk. Those buzzards are getting closer and I think I've got them fooled. I've had my eye on them for an hour and they are about to land."

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over - so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farmhouse. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

Frog Jokes
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

A fellow walked into a bar carrying his pet frog. He walked over to the counter and plunked the frog down in front of him. A woman sitting next to him says, "That's a disgusting looking frog you've got there."

"Hey now," the man replied. "he may look disgusting, but this fellow can give a woman ecstasy. He's the best pussy-eater like you wouldn't believe. It's the only trick he knows and the woman never forgets it and always begs for more."

"Such talk is outrageous. How dare you say such things to me!" she cried, and moved away finding a table across the room.

Two hours pass and several caused her mood to mellow. She came back to the counter and sat once again next to the man with the frog. "If he's so good, how can you prove it?"

"Just follow me across the street to that hotel and I'll show you what you won't believe."

The lady did with great anticipation. Once in their room, she raised her skirt, took off her panties, and opened her legs wide. The man placed his frog between them.

"Go Homer!" he commanded, but the frog never moved. "Go Homer." Still the frog never moved. He picked up the frog and tossed it into the corner and says, "If I told you once I've told you a thousand times, now watch how it's done."

A guy walks into a doctor's with a frog on his head.
The doctor said, "What's the problem?"
And the frog said, "Well, it all started with this bump on my ass..."

A chicken goes into a library, walks up to the desk and says, "bk, bk, bk." The surprised librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken takes it and leaves.

Next day the chicken is back, hands over the book, and says "bk, bk, bk." The librarian again hands over a book.

This goes on for a few days. The assistant librarian is very curious-after all, whoever heard of a chicken that reads--and decides to follow it.

The chicken crosses the road, goes down a lane, over a field and into the woods. The chicken comes to a pond and shows the book to a frog who is sitting on a log in the water.

The frog says "reddit!"

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, actually a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Parrot Jokes
This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he has only one and that it's a real "smart-ass' with vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says that's ok. I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK...NICE LEGS BABY!"

Well the woman isn't going to take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts him in the freezer for 3 minutes. While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure
that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about not saying that again.

The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot knows not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "AWK.. GREAT TITS BABY. LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM".

This once again gets the woman pissed off and she decides that instead of 3 minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min.

Well the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenaline will allow him to continue to live.

Finally the woman opens the freezer door to take out the nearly frozen parrot and asks..."Well have you learned your lesson?"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says..."AWK .. YEA..YEA.. SURE.. SURE.. BUT I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION..."

Another farm family also had parrot problems. They raised turkeys and time after time caught the parrot in the turkey pens trying to nail a female turkey or two. "One more time we catch you in the turkey coops and you'll be punished," threatened the farmer.

It wasn't long before the parrot strayed once again. The farmer directed his wife to shave the hair off the top of the parrot's head leaving a rather noticeable bald spot.

Once again the parrot was found in the turkey yard. "This time you will have to work off your punishment," stated the farmer. "My daughter is getting married Saturday. You will have to sit on the piano where the guest book for the visitors is located and direct the guests to their seats. The right for the brides people, the left for the groom.

Saturday arrived and the parrot was serving his punishment up on the piano next to the guest book. All was going well and a quiet had settled over the audience. The parrot did well directing the groom's people to the left and bride's to the right when two bald-headed relatives walked in. In a loud voice the parrot shouted "All right you turkey bangers, up on the piano with me."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Mary Alice Riley, an elderly devout, Irish Catholic spinster, decides that she wants a pet. She goes to the pet store and is taken with a beautiful multicolored parrot. The owner warns her "Mary Alice, that bird is not for you." Still she wants to buy it and afterwards asks why it's not for her. The owner confesses, "That particular parrot has a bad mouth."

Mary Alice, however, is confident that she can train the bird to speak in a decent manner, so she insists on buying it. She takes the bird home and that night she invites two priests from the local parish and a few women friends over for dinner.

When her dinner party is off to a good start, Mary Alice uncovered the bird to show it off. As soon as she removed the cover, the parrot pipes up "My name is Suzie and I love to screw."

Mary Alice is mortified. There is shock and silence, but after a few minutes Father Murphy says "It's not your fault what this parrot has learned before you got her. We have two male parrots at the parsonage who we have trained to hold the rosary beads and say the rosary. I'll be happy to take Suzie to our place for a few days so she can live in the cage with Harold and John and learn pious ways from them."

So Suzie is taken to the parsonage. She is put in the cage with Harold and John. The two male parrots are in the process of saying their Rosary. The new female parrot immediately declares: "My name is Suzie and I love to screw."

Harold replies, "Drop the beads John, our prayers have been answered!"

So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year.

Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!"

Well, the magician gets really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift.

They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey…. Will you bring me my damn coke?"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at twenty dollars.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch raunchy."

"Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes hi home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "F**k me, a f**king new brothel and a f**king new madam."

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and lets the matter drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up. We're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they see the funny side and have a laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f**k me, a new brothel, a new madam, new f**king whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot rather loudly.

There was this guy and he was lonely so he decided to buy a dog. He went to the pet store just as they were selling the last one. He went up to the girl who worked there and asked if there was a chance they would be getting new dogs in. The girl told him that she didn't know when they would be getting any new puppies in but she said come over here, I think I know just what you need!! She showed him a beautiful parrot that was on special. Right away he fell in love with it and bought it. As he was carrying the bird out the girl said......" I must warn you, the first 3 saying that the parrot hears and likes, he will repeat them for the rest of his life."

The next day the guy looked out his kitchen window where he was drinking his coffee, trying to get the bird to say something. Just then he saw a bunch of kids trying to break his fence. He yelled out to them, "If you kids don't get lost, I'm gonna call the police!" And the kids answered back, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!" And then the parrot repeated them, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!"

The next week after that the guy went rock climbing with his two brothers and for some dumb reason brought the bird with him. One of the brothers fell into a hole. The other brother shouted, "Get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up." Then the parrot repeated him.

Two weeks after that the guy went to the fair and brought his parrot with him. Far off in the distance the parrot heard "Hit the black doll, win a prize!" And so he repeated him.

That Sunday the guy and his parrot went to church. He began, "God lives up there," and he gestured to
the ceiling and then the parrot said, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!"

The priest ignored him. And started again, "The devil lives down there," and he gestured to the floor.
And the parrot spoke, "Get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up."
Now the minister was really angry and in despair threw the Bible and it hit a nun.
Just then the parrot spoke, "Hit the black doll, win a prize!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

There's a guy who owns a parrot that never talks so he goes to the pet shop for advice.

"I know what the problem is", said the storeowner. "Your parrot has too much hook in its beak. You'll need to file the beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. But you must be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."

The parrot owner decided that he couldn't afford to shell out $100 to have the pet store take care of the modification so he took the bird home to have a crack at doing it himself.

A month later the two men meet in the street.
"Did you fix the beak? Is your parrot talking yet?"
"I'm sad to have to tell you, the parrot is long gone. He's dead."
"Dead? I told you to be careful about not filing the beak back too far. Did he drown when he had a drink?"
"Hell no, he was dead before I got him out of the goddamned vice!"

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says, "who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
The man says, "It's the decorator."
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
The man says, "It's the decorator!!!"
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
The man screams, "The decorator!"
The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.
The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"
The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and
orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart...didn't
you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you "fockin hengliding"

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants.

They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.

When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."

Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said "Too old, too old" -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, "Too young, too young."
A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, "Hi Bill! Hi Bill!"

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Why, yes," replied the lady.
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 pm last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "pinkie," as his friends and relatives knew him, was alone at his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura cell concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had installed Mr. Bunny's batteries backwards; and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

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