The bank manager noticed the new clerk was quite skillful at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" asked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

During my travels out west I was captured by a gang of thugs who vowed to execute me in three days for trespassing on their turf. According to their rather peculiar local custom, they said they would allow me a wish they would grant each day until the time of my execution.

On the first day I was allowed out of my tent and I grabbed by horse by the ears and whispered my message into one of them. The horse returned one hour later with a beautiful blonde riding him.

The leader of the brigands laughed and said, "What a one track mind that fellow has."

The second day I was led out of my tent so the second wish could be granted. This time I took great care and whispered my message into my great steed's ear and again he galloped away. This time when he returned there was a luscious red head mounted in my saddle.

The heathens laughed again. Their leader reaped his previous observation. "What a one track mind. He must really be stupid."

On the last day when I was led out of my tent, I roughly grabbed my horse by the ears and whispered as forcefully as I could, "Look you idiot. I said bring back a posse. That's posse....."

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail. The first one pulls out a harmonica and says, "I can play all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling."

Three convicts were going to be executed by a firing squad. As they went out to the firing range all three looked up into the sky and saw a way out of their dilemma, but only two survived. Why? Well, when the first was given one last request, he pointed behind the firing range and shouted, "Tornado" and ran away. The second one pointed and said, "Hurricane," and did the same. The third was far-sighted, squinted and shouted, "Fire!"

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take 30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? " asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded seventeen people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles one small and one large one. Then I told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. To the second fellow, he said, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred and fifty-six people to give up drugs forever."
"One hundred and fifty-six people! Why that's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison......"

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."

How stupid can you be? New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

These are true believe it or not.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a -bulge- in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.

Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, -Nobody move! - When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, -FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!-

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved -Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f--k-up!-

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife. "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the back garden!"

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened.

Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.

This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"

Some thieving cat burglars thought of robbing a bank. They put together the best of plans. Their plan is so good there is no detail that they overlook. They begin and within a short period of time they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes. They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding.

The Head of the gang says " OK! At least we can eat it."

So they eat the pudding. Afterwards, they open up the second safe and there is another pudding. They devoured it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day until all the safes were opened. There was neither money nor jewelry.

"Well," they say, "at least there is something for us to eat."

The Next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the United States was robbed...."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent twenty-five years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed, and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room, chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right; he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck...he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before and was later caught. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said," So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Prisoner: "Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!"
Doctor: "I am, bit by bit."

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Late Breaking News!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States warplanes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

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