Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A store manager realizes he has money problems and decides the only option he has is to downsize the staff. Problem is, he only has two employees, Jack and Jill, and they're both very good. So he decides that the first one to take a coffee break that day will be the one to go.

To his surprise, neither Jack nor Jill takes a break. So he decides whichever one goes to lunch first will be the one to go. To his surprise, neither one takes a lunch. So he decides whoever leaves first that day will be the one to go. But they both stay well after 5:00.

Finally, Jill gets up and heads for her coat. The manager runs over to her and says, "I really have a problem, I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

To which Jill replies, "Well, you better jack-off, I'm late for my bus!"

Mr. Jones got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said "Oh Mr. Jones? Did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He didn't understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fin with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Green, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why no Mr. Jones, all I saw was a little Disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

To: All Employees
From: CEO
Date: 22 May 1997
Subject: Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction of funds budgeted for the department, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people (who represent the future). Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside our company. Provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may filean appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once,SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get free HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

R.U. Kidding CEO

THE PLAN:
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another. "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice President, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President Looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good
And the Plan became Policy.

The ailing business magnate announced the completion of his will. His young wife would be well provided for, but the family home would revert to his four children in the event she remarried. "I don't want another S.O.B. warming his hands around my fireplace." "And," his wife muttered, "what makes you think I'd marry another S.O.B.?"

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss-pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

A guy walked into a bank and asked a teller if he can get a $50,000 loan. She said that he needed to talk to the manager, so she took him over to the branch manager.
The manager said, "Hi, what can I do for you?"
The guy replied, "I'd like a loan for $50,000," said the guy.
"That's a lot of money. May I ask what you need it for?" said the bank manager.
"Well, I really can't tell you," answered the guy.
"Sir, surely you can understand that we can't loan money out without knowing its intended use."
The guy replied, "Okay. I'm an inventor and I've invented something."

"Well, what is it?" asked the manager. The guy took a vial filled with white powder out of his pocket. "What's it do?" asked the manager.

"See, you sprinkle a little of this white powder between the legs of a lady and it makes her taste like oranges."
Outraged, the manager said, "Get out! We don't run that type of establishment here. We are a family run operation!"
A year later, the same guy waltzed into the same bank. He strolled up to the teller and said, "I'd like to deposit $500,000 please."
The teller said, "That's a lot of money, sir. You'll have to speak to our branch manager."
"Take me to him," he replied.

The teller brought him over to the branch manager and said, "This gentleman would like to deposit $500,000." The manager said, "I remember you. Don't tell me that the white powder thing actually sold!"

"Oh no, not that," says the guy. He pulls out a vial filled with black powder. "This."
"What does that do?" asked the branch manager.
"Simple," said the guy. "See, you sprinkle this on an orange..."

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The other day I went with three women friends to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill, beckoned to a dancer, licked the $10 and slapped it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another gal pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy over, licked the $20 bill and put it on his other butt cheek. My third friend pulled out an even bigger bill - $50, and she slapped it on the dancer's butt.

Now the attention was focused on me, what could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. With my ATM card I swiped down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.
Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

In the Stock Market today,
Helium was up,
Feathers were down, and paper was stationery.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Fluorescent tubes were down in light trading.
Light switches were off.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows were steered into a bull market.
Pencils were down a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators were up.
Escalators experienced a slight decline.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pain relievers soared. (Sore)
Diapers were unchanged.
The major shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Prunes plum-meted.
Coca Cola was pop-ular amongst traders.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at mid-day.
Balloon prices were inflated.
There was heavy trading in metals,
... and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of twenty-five thousand dollars a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for fifty percent of your salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop"
"Wait a minute," says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business"

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