A woman woke up one morning deciding that she hated life and wanted to end it. She went on the top of her roof. As she was about to jump a man called out to him telling him to stop.

She asked, "Why shouldn't I jump?"
And the man replied by saying, "you see I am Santa Claus."
"Are you serious" the woman replied."
"Of course I am. Don't you see the big belly and the beard?"
Convinced that the man was Santa Clause she asked what could she do for him.
Santa replied by saying, "I can give you anything you want but you have to give me a kiss."

The woman puckered her lips and Santa started to kiss her. Ten minutes later Santa Claus was still kissing her, when she turned around and asked if Santa was really sure that he was going to give him everything she wanted.

Santa Clause replied by saying, "Yes. But let me ask you a question. How come a big girl like you still believes in Santa Claus?"

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;
The modem was hung by the keyboard with care
In hopes that a download soon would be there.
The pirates were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of unprotects danced in their heads
And Kathleen in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap
When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,
Away to the monitor I flew like a flash
Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.
The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,
Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.
With a little print driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!
More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;
my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me by name.
"Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!
On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer!
To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,
now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."
As utilities that build up the CPU speed
Clash with just the programs I need
So up to the screen top the cursor it flew
With a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.
And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,
The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.
As I tried to reboot and turn it around
The attributes changed from blue into brown.
I hit the control, the alt, the delete.
The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.
It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.
It told me the parallel had become the comm port.
It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.
It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries.
It sounded just like it wanted to blow;
the screen was suddenly white like the snow.
It scrolled the directory before my very eyes
With programs I did not even recognize.
It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.
I couldn't get out of B into C.
Norton's tried to read it; It finally found the FAT;
But alas, the disk was faulty, and could not reformat.
Away flew the dBASE; Away flew the DOSes;
Away flew the WordStar; Right out with the Windows.
The spreadsheets were spreading; The footers were heading;
What once had been memory Was close to forgetting.
When the grinding was over and the smoke had all cleared,
I looked at the unit and it was just as I'd feared.
The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.
I'll never be able to block out that sight!
So tell everyone to avoid my plight....
Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night!

The reindeer wives are left home all night along every Christmas Eve...So the wives got together and decided to do something different this year...So when the reindeer husbands left, the wives all went downtown and blew a few bucks.

We were so poor my mother put marshmallows in our stockings along with a note showing a snowman and saying: You have been naughty, and here's the scoop, all you get is the snowman's poop!"

Santa was very mad. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours. All of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."

We were so poor my mother once took some miniature marshmallows and put them in our hung stockings along with a note. It contained a picture of a snowman and this poem:

'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'

Santa's Best Pick Up Lines

I know when you've been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, Sister!
Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
Some of my best toys run on batteries...
I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

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