During his many years in the Merchant Marine, Ernie had really gotten around, so when he got shore leave in Bangkok, he asked the madam of the whorehouse for something exotic.

"I have just the thing," offered the madam, not in the least nonplused. "Cyclops Susie."

Out from the beaded curtain behind the desk came a girl with one glass eye. As soon as she and Ernie were alone together, Susie popped out the eye, presented him with the socket and urged him to go at it.

Ernie swallowed nervously but obeyed, and when it was over he was delirious with ecstasy. "That was the best I've ever had. Undeliverable! God, I can hardly wait till I'm back in Bangkok," he gushed to the hooker.

"Don't worry, honey," said Susie graciously.
"I'll keep an eye out for you."

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.

The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.

When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.

The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure, but I think she choked."

One day a twelve-year-old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?"
He replies, "Yes, I'd like a girl for the night."
She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the key doesn't work).
To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says, "But she's got to have active herpes."
The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says, "OK. She'll be ready for you in about 10 minutes."

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. Half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.

By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?".

"Well, it's like this", he says. "When I get home tonight, I screw the baby sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets it he'll screw mom and she'll get it. At about 9:30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milman will come round, screw my mother and he'll get it."

"And?"
"He's the BASTARD who killed my pet frog!"

Three women are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. All three are very pregnant and busy knitting baby clothes. The first woman stops knitting and reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them. "Must have my vitamins," she says. "Healthy pills for a healthy baby."

They all continue knitting for a while when the second woman stops, reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them. "Must have my vitamins," she says. "Healthy pills for a healthy baby."

They all continue knitting again, when the third woman stops, reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.

"Healthy pills for a healthy baby?" the first two women ask?
"No," she replies, "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."

These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.

When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer drinking out of the streamlet. That was wonderful! I spent the whole three days there."

"Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!"

"Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you oral sex?"
"No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."

A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week. The girl is so ashamed of what she's doing she kills herself. After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her. After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that James died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for people to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he really was."

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose you hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, "I wish I had a man hood like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."

An old lady was shopping in a carpet store and stopped at one she particularly liked. Bending over to feel the texture of it, she let out a fart. As she stood up, she noticed a salesman standing behind her. "How much is this carpet?" she asked him.

"Well, lady," he replied, "if just touching it made you fart, you're going to shit your pants when you hear the price."

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it.

The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything."

They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field. They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you alright?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancé has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my dog's vet...

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

A university botanist met with a representative of a giant agribusiness conglomerate to sell him his latest invention.
"It's two fruits in one. Here, try it!"
The executive took a bite of the strange fruit, and, after a few minutes of chewing, said, "It tastes just like an apple."
"Yes! Now turn it around and take a bite out of the other side!"
The executive did so, and after another few moments, announced, "This side tastes just like an orange."
"Exactly!" cried the botanist. "Isn't it brilliant? Apples and oranges together in one fruit!"

"It's brilliant in theory," said the executive, "but in practice, anybody who wants the taste of apples and oranges can just go to a grocery store and buy apples and oranges. I really don't think this will sell."

Crestfallen, the botanist asked, "What do you think would sell?"
"Well..... we've been trying for years to invent a fruit that tastes like pussy."
"Aha!" cried the botanist, "I'm on it!" Without another word, he rushed back to his laboratory.

A year later the same botanist met with the same executive. "I've got it!" the botanist proudly announced. He handed the exec a small fruit and invited him to take a bite.

The executive did so. Instantly he gagged, spat out the fruit, and screamed, "Yuck! This tastes like shit!"
"Yes!" cried the botanist, "now turn it around!"

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says "Look Honey! Look what I've got!"
She rolls over, looks at him and asks: "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me you've got a nose bleed?"

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