When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?"

One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time.

It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyway?"

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts, "Theme Party - Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with envy."

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink!"

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit! What emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party!!"

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other, with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street.

What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin discusted, and my friend here, has come in dispair"
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! Perhaps I should have told him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know, why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What.....and have a house full of kids???"
Some guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" asked the clerk.

The fellow replied, "Um, I'll have to check with the rest of the boys." He went out to his truck and within a few minutes returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright," replied the clerk. "How long do you need them?"
He stood there scratching his head while pondering this question and replied, "Well, um, a long time. We're gonna build a house."

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.
"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.
"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.
"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mel, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mel, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mel to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks?

Mel replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mel announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mel, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, " Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Bob pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Susan must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Susan was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the postman came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!´"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand, heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Oh shit! THAT'S the word!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam, they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

So you think your life is bad? Just think how the life of an egg is. You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft. You have to share a box with eleven other guys! And the only chick who ever sat on your face was...your mother!!

A tongue twister for you!
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

I went into a clothing store the other day and the salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?"
I said, "Yah, do you have anything I like?"
He said, "What do you mean, 'Do we have anything you like?`"
I said, "You started this."

A man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size do you need?" the sales lady asked.
"I'm not sure," the man replies.
The lady tells him to go out back to the wooden fence with the holes in it and measure for size.

He goes to the fence and puts his penis into the first hole. Meanwhile the sales lady rips off her clothes and runs out to the backside of the fence and positions herself against the hole. They repeat this process all the way down the fence. The sales lady then races back into the store and hurriedly dresses.

The young man reenters the store. "Find what size you need" the lady asks.
"No" the man replies, "but I'll take about 10 feet of that fence!"

Life is about who you love and who you hate, and also who you hurt. It is about who you make happy and unhappy purposefully. It is about keeping or betraying trust. It's about friendship used as sanctity or a weapon. It's about what you say and mean and may be hurtful and disheartening. It's about starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and about why, and who your judgments are spread to. It's about who you ignored with full control and intention. It's about jealousy and fear, ignorance, and revenge. It's about carrying around inner hate and love and letting it grow while spreading it. But, most of all, it is about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that would never have occurred alone. And that is what life is all about.

When God made man, there was only one. The various parts of man's body argued about who was going to be boss. The hands said they should since they did all the work. The feet said they should, since they took man where the work was so that he could get food. The stomach thought it should be boss because it digested all the food. The heart thought it should since it brought nutrients around the body after the food was digested. The brain said: "No, the rest of you must get messages from me before you can do your jobs, so that makes me the boss.

The asshole said, "I'll show you who is boss. I'll shut down and clog up all the works."

After a few days the stomach ached, the hands felt rather helpless, and the feet couldn't carry the body, and the heart was about ready to stop pumping the blood. Even the brain signals were going nowhere or else being ignored.

To all of this there is a moral. It's usually an asshole that's in charge of most movements.

A guy's wife is driving him crazy to get a job. He sees one for a deputy sheriff. The sheriff interviews him and says, "I'm pretty busy, but I'll ask you two questions... Name two days of the week that start with a T?"

The fellow answers: "Uh, today and tomorrow?"
The sheriff thinks that's a pretty unique answer, so he says "Alright, who shot JFK?"

After a brief period the guy doesn't answer. The sheriff finally says: "Go home and think about it, and come back with the answer tomorrow.

When the guy gets home his wife says: "Did you get a job?"
He looks at her and says: "Yeah, as a deputy sheriff. How about that?"
She then answers: "You ain't smart enough to be no deputy sheriff."
The husband answers: "OH YEAH...WELL THEY ALREADY PUT ME ON A MURDER INVESTIGATION!

THE TEST OF THE TENTS
An American pilot is stranded in the Middle East after his plane was shot down. As he was wandering through the desert trying to find a way home, a marauding band of desert savages captured him. He was taken to their leader where he was given a choice. Either he takes the test of the three tents and pass or be executed. Obviously the American had no intention of dying so he asked to be given the test.

The leader of the savages then told him he must go to three tents. In the first tent there were 100 shots of vodka. The pilot was to drink them all without spilling one drop. In the second tent was a tiger with a thorn in its paw. The American had to remove the thorn. In the third tent was a woman who had never been sexually satisfied. He had to satisfy her. He had to go through all the tents in succession without stopping.

The American took a deep breath and headed for the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbled to the second tent. Once he entered the savages could here lots of hissing and growling. An hour later the pilot emerged, cut and bruised, staggered up to the chief and said "can you point me in the direction of the third tent with the woman who has a thorn in her hand."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning; and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded "Yes."

After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then On, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the ship's captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain demanded.

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in law!"

Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha. My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty.

Needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. It hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left handed thread and my wife is definitely a right handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it.... another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Mickey Pullem

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there and socialize with several of his important clients.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check on you again.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building... He needed a handsaw but was lazy to go down and get it for himself. So he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give sign so the guy on the ground so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning, "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a handsaw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a handsaw".

The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming."

There's this guy doing yard work and his wife stops to go up and take a shower. So the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window.

"Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [i], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass and then to her crotch.

Her husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner. "What did you say?"

She tells him: "I said: 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'"

Quester rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

Quester smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Quester broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Quester stammered; cleared his throat several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, Quester stammered - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming...? That was me!"

A small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy passes out cold. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and he asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says," Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".........

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic at the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood this way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make twenty or thirty sales a day. How much was the sale worth? "
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe 4 X 4 Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment. "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for His wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a five" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out the window of this plane and make one person very happy."

Then, the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy."
Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!"

Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand people happy!"

Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the entire world happy!"

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for sixty-five thousand dollars."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"A XHOSA, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The Detective is taken to the second dead man.
"A SOTHO, 25, won the lottery, spent it all on Brandy. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Detective, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. A ZULU, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Detective.
To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Three guys were sailing, when a storm blew up, and capsized their boat. Luckily, they were right near an island, so they quickly swam towards it. On the shore, there was a giant throne with a giant man on top of it. He was surrounded by wolves.

"If you go into the forest, and find 10 of one kind of fruit, I will tell my wolves not to eat you." So the three guys ran in to the forest to find some fruit. The first guy came back with 10 apples.

"Now you must stuff all 10 up your but without wincing, or making a sound!" The guy started. He got 1,2,3 - but then started crying. The wolves ate him. The second guy came back with 10 berries. He was told to do the same thing. He got 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 - But then burst out laughing. The wolves ate him too. The 1st guy and the 2nd guy met up in heaven.

"Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" the first guy asked.
"I saw the third guy coming with an armload of watermelons!"

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless. Even the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had Previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.

"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"

"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."

Excuses to use for not going to work:

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their OB/GYN doctor! In Sydney, Australia one of the radio stations pays money ($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000.....

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only Just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time To spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over Hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the wash cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, Looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school while my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

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