A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull safe?"

The farmer replies, "He's as safe as can be; but I can't say the same for you."

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg.
"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."

"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"

"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's all right. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."

"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"
"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about and fell off the roof."

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things
you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well. However some local kids did sneak into his watermelon patch at night and ate his watermelons. This disturbed him.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they did see his sign. It read, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids ran off and made up their own sign, which they posted next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer showed up the next day to look over his field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing but he noticed a new sign next to his. He drove over to the sign and read it.

It said, "Now there are two."

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and
I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated fifty times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated fifty times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated sixty-five times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated sixty-five times last year. That is over five times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated three hundred and sixty-five times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated three hundred and sixty-five times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was three hundred and sixty-five times with the same cow."

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer say, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at
the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign. .

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.

His one hundred and twenty-five dollars didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW four thousand dollar garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the one hundred and twenty-five dollars that he'd spent on the mule that died.

"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had two thousand two dollar raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule? I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

A jockey with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."

The jockey wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick up the jockey to show him the mare's eyes.
"Nithe eyeth, nithe eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the jockey wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nithe earth, nithe earth, I like thith horthe, I like thith horthe, I think I want to buy thith horthe."

The farmer is starting to get angry by this stage because the jockey is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. Her twat, I want to see her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, picked up the jockey and drives him head first into the mare's rear. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off for a couple of minutes.

He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his position. The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that...I'd like to thee her gallop!"

A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner
assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him,
the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy.
"The pot's on this side".

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