I told my wife that I never understood why the ugliest jerks seemed to end up with the most attractive women, and she said,"Thank you my dear."

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"You are so unresponsive," said the husband "that I wouldn't be surprised if you used cold cream between your legs!"
"And you," said the wife, "must use vanishing cream between yours!"

An old man and a woman pulled into a gas station. The old woman is almost deaf. The attendant asked, "Do you want a fill-up?"
The old woman asked the man, "What did he say?"
The old man shouted at her, "Getting us some gas."
Then the attendant asked, "Do you want your oil checked?"
Old woman: "What did he say?"
Old man: "He's checking the oil."
When the attendant spotted their Ohio plates he said, "I think the worst piece of ass I ever got was in Ohio."
Old woman: "What did he say?"
Old man shouts back: "He says he thinks he knows you."

Two widow women were digging potatoes out in the garden when one woman reached down and then held up a large funny-shaped potatoes and said, "This reminds me of my late husband's testicles."

The other woman said, "My god, were they that big?"
First woman replied, "No, that dirty!"

Two friends were sitting at the bar and one was commiserating with the other about his problems. "You remember I told you about my wife's identical twin sister coming over and visiting us quite regularly? I think now I want a divorce."

"Lucky you," responded the other. "I've seen your wife and she's gorgeous. But why would you want a divorce?"
"I sometimes come home and make love to the sister by mistake," complained the confused and unhappy fellow.
"Oh, come on now. Are you trying to tell me you can't tell the difference between the two?" laughed the unbelieving friend.
"Oh, there's a great difference between the two, and that's why I want the divorce," he replied to his friend.

The two lovers were both cheating on their spouses for the first time. She was more excited about the coming weekend than he, for he promised that his bachelor friend would be out of town and had given him the key to his apartment.

The blonde called his office on Monday and reminded him that five days were a long time to wait. On Tuesday she said she wanted him desperately. On Wednesday she asked if anybody in the office could hear, she wanted to pant on the phone. That's how hot she was. By then he had had enough and said, "Be patient. It won't be long until Saturday night."

He was speechless when she giggled and purred, "And how long will it be then, my darling?"

While grappling with his girl in the darkened theater, the luckless fellow lost his hairpiece. He felt here and there and inadvertently brought his hand up under the woman's dress.

"You found it," she exclaimed excitedly. "Yes, I think you've got it now."
"No, you're surely mistaken," he muttered. "Seems like mine was longer and less curly."

She was sitting on his lap doing a rather suggestive lap-dance routine, when she whispered, "Are you really a Hollywood producer? You should discover me and make me famous and a star."

"Yes, I am," he replied jiggling her up and down. "And don't worry, sweetie, you're making it big already."

Three couples went to join a church, an older couple, one middle-aged, and newly weds. The minister said, "In order to test your sincere desire to become members of our congregation you must pass a very simple test, refrain from sex for two weeks."

Two weeks later they returned for their final interview with the pastor. He asked the older couple how they did. "No problem," was their reply.

"And how did you do?" the middle-age couple was asked.
"We made it easily through the week since I slept on the couch," answered the husband.

"What about you?" the newly-weds were asked.
"Didn't make it through the first day," answered the young bride.

"That's right," added the proud groom. "The first time she bent over to pick up a can of soup she had dropped on the floor, I couldn't resist and took her right then and there."

"Couldn't pass a simple test of your commitment. Well, I'm afraid you won't be welcome here anymore," responded the disappointed reverend.
"That's nothing. We are welcome at that grocery store anymore either," laughed the blushing young girl.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found that he could only get them as far as his knee cap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets. Just shot my wife in the head and shoot that guy's erection clean off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!"

The husband says, "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman.

The man jumps up and says, "Honey I can explain. As I was coming home from the golf course I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in 3 days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat. While she was eating I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore. As she was ready to leave she turned to me and said "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?"

The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?"

The farmer agrees. So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's sex-organ and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew.

The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh. it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?"

"Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."

A married couple was in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions.

The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."

"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."

"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."

A firefighter was telling his new wife the rules of the house and what he expected. He told her that if he said "ding", she was to meet him upstairs and they would make love. If he said "ding, ding", she was to run upstairs and they would make love. And if he said "ding, ding, ding", she was to drop whatever she was doing, run upstairs, and they would make love all night long.

One day, she was ironing his uniform, when she heard "ding, ding, ding" from upstairs, so she stopped ironing, ran up the stairs, ripped off her clothes, and started to make love to her husband.

Halfway through, she stopped him, and said "ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!" With a puzzled look on his face, he asked "what does that mean?"
To which she replied, "I NEED MORE HOSE!!!!"

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and…. well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Don and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives. I had sex with my wife before we were married," said Don, "did you?"

"Gee, I don't know," answered Arty. "What was your wife's maiden name?"

A man gets laid up and can't work. He tells his wife that she's going to have to be a hooker to pay the bills. She is reluctant, but finally agrees. She gets up bright and early one morning, and comes home at about 2 a.m.

"Well", he says, "how did you do today?"
"Not too well", she says, "I only made Twenty-five dollars and twenty five cents..."
"WHAT?" he screams. "Who in hell gave you the twenty- five cents?"
"Why, all of them."

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, "Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: "Mother, where do babies come from?"

Mom: "Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."

Child: "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry dear."

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual."

"Why was it that you saw his face at this time?"
"He was looking at us through the window."

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

"Gee Charley," said his golf pard, "you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?"
Looking glum, Charley said, "I think my wife's dead."
"You think she's dead! "You mean you're not sure?"
"Well, the sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up."

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple goes to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe, and she exclaims, "Oh dear! Oh my God! Where's the camera. Let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"

A husband and wife were in their back yard. He was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your butt is getting big, almost as big as the gas grill." She angrily stomped across the yard. He followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon, he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "IT IS AS BIG AS THE GAS GRILL!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "What's wrong?"

Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one LITTLE wiener!"

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug. "Good trade."

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep."

One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "Could you pass the honey, Honey?" The wife hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says, "Could you pass the sugar, Sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says, "Wanna pass me the bacon, Pig?"

After a whirlwind courtship and marriage, the happy couple climbs into the carriage (amid rice sprinkling on them) and the horse trots off taking them to their farm home from the church. The horse carried then up and down the foothills towards their homestead. On a particularly steep hill, the horse stumbled and caused the couple to be uncomfortably jolted in their seats. The farmer calmly stopped the horse. Got off the wagon, walked up to the horse, grabbed it by the harness, looked it in the eyes, and said in a loud voice,
"That's once." The farmer got back in the wagon and the horse plodded off.

Again they were going over a particularly difficult portion of the road and the horse stumbled and jolted the couple in the wagon. The farmer again got out of the wagon, walked up to the horse, stared it in the eye, and said, "That's twice."

The new wife was perplexed by all this but did not even know how to begin to ask what he was doing. They traveled further down the road, and the horse stumbled a third time, jolting the couple. The farmer got out of the wagon, went to the back of the wagon, took his gun, and promptly shot the horse in the head, leaving it lying in the middle of the road, dead.

The new wife gaped in astonishment at her husband. She said, "What the hell did you do that for? Horses are very expensive, and how the hell do you expect me to get to the farm now? I cannot believe you did that!"

The farmer walked up to the wife, looked her in the eye and said, "That's once."

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they except that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, show's her the check and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"

Lamaze-
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

To which the stranger replied, "I am listening to music!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen" and placed his head on her breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You are not plugged in!"

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.'

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!'

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"

She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

"I just gave $25 to a beggar," stated one girl friend to another.
"That's quite a lot of money to give just like that. What would your husband say to that?" asked the friend.
"He was quite pleased, smiled, and said, 'Thank you!'"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it was!"

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says: "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it."

The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Then the wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband adds: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a fifty bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me a twenty change!"

A man and his wife were preparing to go out for the evening. She had just stepped out of the shower and he was shaving. Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Would you get that?" the husband said. Even though she was naked with wet hair she pulled a bathrobe on and proceeded to answer the doorbell.

Upon opening the door she discovered the next-door neighbor on their doorstep.
He gazed at her a moment and suddenly said "I'll give you five hundred dollars to open that robe and let me have a look".

She was somewhat taken aback but upon reflection thought that it would be an easy way to earn five hundred and, while embarrassing, no one would ever know. So she spread apart her robe for him to see.

After feasting his eyes on her naked body for several minutes, he handed her five hundred and left.
So, she closed her robe and slammed the door. "Who was it?" her husband yelled.

"The next door neighbor," she replied. "Did he give you that five hundred he owes me?" asked her husband.

An older couple was driving along a country road when they came across a romantic spot from their dating days. "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" she says.

The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a June bug. They make love like never before. She was screaming and gyrating and shaking uncontrollably and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she fainted!

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago or anytime since that I can remember."

The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified"!

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts," Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty about he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.

"He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She said, "Bake a cake. Does it look like I have Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so."

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."
He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I...?"

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go .. "I still remember that time when you ...."

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

Typical macho man married typical good-looking, sexy gal and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Here are my rules: there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence!"

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

Jack's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Jack replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Jack interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet.

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''
Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''
Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. "
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks "Why?"

He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs..... After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks.... "Why the hell did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.

"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.

"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."

Quick as a flash, the man jumps out of bed, rushes to the window and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I AM your husband!"

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Darling, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six - then there's you - eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, gussied herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky voice say's "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."
"Would you make love to him?"
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?"
"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

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