The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to earn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, his brother's crying waked Johnny. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit.

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a three day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question."

Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See yah on Tuesday!"

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school class one Sunday morning, when the teacher asked her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no, she thought, I'm not gonna like this. But, resigned to her fate, she called on the young fellow. "Little Johnny," she asked, "Which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and I heard strange noises. I look into the keyhole and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'God, I'm coming!'"

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Courting must be like a game. At first sis was acting like she didn't want to play her boy friend's game at all. They kissed and hugged over and over. She giggled a lot and kept slapping at his hands as he took off all her clothes. Then it was her turn, and he didn't seem to mind at all as she stripped him bare.

"Suddenly, the boy-friend grabbed what looked like a big eel that was wiggling between his legs. He waved it in the air while wrestling with it and seemed to be begging sis to help him strangle it. While he waved it back and forth, it got even bigger. I could see the ell had one eye in its head and really squirmed between his fingers. Sis got one hand around it, plunged it up and down while trying to squeeze the life out of it, but it lunged at her several times. I thought the tussle would never end.

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. Then she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started growling and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

"After awhile they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the ell... I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the ell wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... They have nine lives or something.

"This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the ell by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the ell. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, hot-damn beautiful!'"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! Oh yes, I really need a bike!"

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to 'fuck' with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None replied Johnny cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four but I like the way you're thinking, says the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone, and one was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked, "Can anybody use the word fascinate in a sentence?"
Johnny raised his hand. But because of past experiences the teacher called on Billy.
"I went to the zoo and I was fascinated"
"No, Billy we want fascinate."
Johnny was raising his hand, but the teacher called on Sally.
"The animals at the zoo were fascinating"
"No, Sally we want fascinate"

Little Johnny was standing up by now raising his hand jumping and wanting to be called on. Well the teacher figured that Johnny could never be very bad with the word fascinate. .So the teacher finally called on Johnny...

"My sister has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny'sroom, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?"

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3x3?" Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?" Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs".
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to start acting more grown up, so she told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.

She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went for a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he had read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all, especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"Good Lord!" Cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question, "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt, he stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--"

He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "Asshole".

One day Little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "We have a $100,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. Sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

About two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all of his worldly possessions in a suitcase. The father asked why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too -- and DAMN if I'm going to get stuck with a $100,000 mortgage!"

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

Esther Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She put her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing what it was, put her hand behind and asked "Class I am holding something in my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it? Several hands went up.

Esther said, "Yes Robert".
Robert, "Is it an apple?"
Esther replied, "No Robert, who else can try?"
Peter called out, "It's an orange."
The young teacher said, "No."
James shouted, "It's a tomato!"
"Very good James, that's correct", the teacher answered.
Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test the class's imagination"
Esther, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use foul language, said, "Okay, go ahead".

Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding something in my hand. It's three inches long and has a head. What is it?"

The class was quiet and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and keep quite, I don't want any of your silly jokes."

Johnny, smiling removes his hand from his pocket and says, "It's only a match stick, Miss Cohen, but I really like the way you use your imagination."

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grammy's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher.

A little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered, "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said.

"In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams: 'GOOD GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'"

One night, little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake having sex.

He just stared wide-eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?" What are you and Mommy doing?" The Dad was startled and rolled over to see his son.

"Well, Johnny, I'm, um, you know how you were wanting a baby brother?
"Yes," replied little Johnny, in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting a little brother in your Mommy for you."
Johnny smiled and said, "Oh, okay!" and left the room feeling safe and secure.

The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What's wrong?" Daddy
Asked, as he picked his son up filled with concern.

"Daddy! You know my little brother that you put in Mommy?"
"Yes," the Dad replied nervously.
"The Mailman ate him this morning!" Johnny screamed.

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'.

Jane looks at him in astonishment, as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says.

'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got one of these!'

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says 'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!'

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some dalliance.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and asks, "Whatcha doin' daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor, "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw."
Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, scew it?"

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to suppertime. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnnie raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnnie was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnnie said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten eight."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face."Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A little Johnnie hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little Johnnie enters the whorehouse and tells the Madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" little Johnnie screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack."

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "This is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Little Johnny was riding the bus when a priest got on and sat across from. After a few minutes Little Johnny asked him why he had his collar on backwards. "Because I am a Father."

"My father is a father, but he doesn't wear his collar backwards."
"You don't understand. I am Father to many."
"I have three brothers and three sisters. And my father doesn't wear his collar backwards."

"Son, there are hundreds of people who come each week to see me. I am their Father." Little Johnny thought about this.

When the bus reached his stop, He looked at the priest and said, "If I were you I'd wear my pants backwards instead of my collar."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be quite outspoken and a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat down.

The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, I can see that," she said, but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him twenty dollars and said, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him fifty dollars and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

Little Johnnie's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johnnie, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," little Johnnie replied.

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

The teacher said, "Class, I want you to share with all of us what you did during your summer vacation."

All went well as all the students had stories to tell except for one young boy named Johnnie who said, "We did go on vacation to the beach but my dad and I had to leave."

"Why was that?" asked the teacher a little fearfully since she had heard Johnnie's answers before and was dubious about how to proceed.

"It happened because we took along two bikes."
"Did you have accidents with the bikes?" asked the now curious teacher.

"No, my mother and sister kept disappearing down the road riding their bikes," little Johnnie informed the class.

"But why would you and your father leave them?" inquired the teacher.
"Well Pop said if Ma and my sis was just goin' to peddle their ass all over the town, we were leavin'"

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who at this time was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Little Johnny was in school and got snowed in, so they had to sleep overnight in the school gym. In the middle of the night, he went to his teacher and said, "I'm scared, can I sleep with you?

The teacher said no so he said he'd tell the principle she wasn't taking good care of him, so she said yes.
A couple minutes later he said he was still scared, so he said, "Can I stick my finger in your belly button?"
She said no again so Johnny said he would tell the principle the she wasn't taking good care of him, so again she said ok.
He did it and the teacher yells "Hey, little lad, that wasn't my bellybutton."
Johnny turns to her and says, "Don't worry, teacher, that wasn't my finger, but I would say you are taking great care of me."

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely

walks up to him and says "Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr.. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Johnny, how should
I correct that?"

Johnny replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

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