I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this.

My wife is an earth sign and I am a water sign. Together we make mud." - Rodney Dangerfield

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' ... " was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, and then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache,' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month.' "

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Bloke asks his wife what she wants for her birthday.
She says, "A divorce."
He says, "Oh, I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

"Will I be the first to do this to you?" he whispered to his bride on their wedding night.
"Silly boy," she said. "How could I know? You have not told me which position you are going to use!"

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure.
In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

Soon I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

Newly wed couple were doing well while away on their honeymoon. The first night they were cuddled up preparing to go to sleep when the new husband turned to his bride and said, "Sweetheart, now that we are married, I have a confession to make."

"What is it pookie," she asked.
"I'm an avid golfer and chances are you won't see much of me on weekends," he replied.
"That's ok, darling," she purred. "As long as we are at it, I also have a confession to tell you."
"What's that, my pet," he asked.
"I'm a hooker."
"That's no problem, my little lambkin," he replied. "All you have to do is drop your left shoulder and follow through on your swing."

This couple had been married for twenty years and noticed the romance had escaped from the bedroom. They sought help from a marriage counselor.

After a series of tests, he announced that they could be helped and he would be glad to make some suggestions. "What I want you two to do is stop at a store on your way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. Now I want the wife to lay on the bed and spread her legs apart. Then I want the husband to shot grapes into her private parts. Every grape he gets in he must get out with his tongue and then eat. Then I want the husband to lay flat and the wife to toss donuts at his private parts. With every donut ringer, she must eat off of him."

Though skeptical, the couple agreed to try. They found that the procedure revitalized their sex life. They were once again acting and feeling like newly-weds. Friends of the couple noticed the difference and asked why they were so happy again. They told them of the miracle counselor.

One couple went to see the counselor and was given the same series of tests taken by the first pair. After looking over the results, the counselor said, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

The couple was shocked. They pleaded with the counselor for help offering to double or even triple his fees. After some thought, he agreed. "Ok, on the way home stop at the store. I want you to pick up a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios."

A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a good session of oral sex there."
The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.
"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse, and most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say I should do to better my health?"
"He says you are to go on a diet and help more around the house after you get home from work."

A young couple is on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and that sex is not the most important a thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession. He announced that below his waist he looked like a baby. If the girl wanted to cancel the marriage, he would understand.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. She was right saying she was flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy said: "I told you before we got married about my condition. Why did you still faint?
The girl said, "When you told me it was like a baby, I thought it never developed.
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

A women was in bed with her lover when she hears her husband come home. Quickly she tells her lover to stand in the corner while she completely covers him with flour. When her husband enters the room he asks, "What the hell is that? "

His wife replies, "This is one of those Greek statue. The Smiths had one so I thought I'd get one for us as well.
"Oh, we are keeping up with the Smiths are we? Fair enough," the husband answered.

Later that night the women's lover was plotting his get-away when the husband gets out of bed. He goes down stairs to the kitchen, makes a sandwich and pours some milk in a glass. Upon returning to the bedroom the husband puts the sandwich and glass of milk on the dresser next to the statue and says, "Here you go. I stood at the Smith's for three days, and no one even offered me something to drink!"

A guy goes in a bar and orders a beer. He sees a frog sitting on the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender explains that the frog gives the world's best blowjob and offers to let the customer try it in the back room.

Fifteen minutes later the customer comes out all smiles and offers the bartender $500 for the frog. The bartender accepts his offer. The customer puts the frog in a paper bag and takes it home.

He walks into the kitchen where his wife is cooking dinner and sets the frog in the paper bag down on the counter. The wife looks in the paper bag and says, "That's a frog."

The guy says, "Sure is.
"The wife says, "What am I supposed to do with it."
The guy says' "Teach it to cook."

Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in.

She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?"
She says, "Much better."
He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy?"

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."

All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes; they will sing Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast."
"I'm late."
"Where is my coat?"
"I'm going to miss the bus."
Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for office.

When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"

Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."

So we locked up the office, and because it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?"

So we drove out of town and went to a little out of the way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?"

It sounded like a good idea, because we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

A hillbilly farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those Day-vorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The hillbilly farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was lying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he could not help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband would not hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin in her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family feast.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal trumpeting. A blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom soon followed this. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in.

After filing for a divorce from his wife, Minnie Mouse, Mickey finally had his day in court. The judge, after reviewing the divorce papers, looked down from his bench at Mickey and said "Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you this divorce from Minnie Mouse just because she's a little bit crazy."

"Your Honor!' exclaimed Mickey Mouse 'I didn't say she was a little bit crazy, I said she's been fucking Goofy!"

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Oh, my lord, now you're going to tell me you've also had smallcox!"

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!" He then asked "How much for a hand job?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said, "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.

He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well endowed.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?"
"Can I borrow $60?"
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.

He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated his wife quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The roto-rooter man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she summoned up all her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had three repairmen out today."

He frowned and said, "Well, how much is that going to cost me?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them," she answered him.
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why, you sneaky bastard?" she screamed. "You impotent sob!"
"Speaking of sneaky," he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our two children."

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple goes to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized the clock had probably waked her up, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "Twelve o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

Groucho Marx quotes:
"Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth".
"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

For George's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon George enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"

It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.

The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."

Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."
"Would you make love to him?"
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?"
"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right, like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."
The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."
The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?"
Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new ten speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a twenty dollar bill and tell me to take a hike!"

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at The front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid you're name isn't on it."

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

After the annual office party blowout, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A husband comes to believe that he is a refrigerator. After worrying about his condition for weeks, his wife finally persuades him to go to a psychiatrist with her.

The psychiatrist examines the man carefully, and afterward tries to assure the wife that she has nothing to be concerned about.

The woman is a bit perturbed. "But doctor," she says, "at night when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me awake!"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

A man is recently separated from his wife, and gets drunk. It's the dead of winter and he staggers to
their house and starts pounding on the door.

After about fifteen minutes, she finally opens a window and asks what he wants.
"Honey! I'm half froze, can't I stay here tonight?"
"Yes, of course. I thought you wanted to come in!"

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you
do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single
or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world".
The woman says, "I will surely miss you"

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted
more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the
quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

A man called the government office where I work and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement. After I gave him the information, he went on to inquire about his wife's benefits. I asked if she had ever worked.

"She has worked all her life making me happy," he replied. That was nice, I commented, but had she ever contributed to a pension plan? "No," he said. "We made an agreement when we got married. I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile."

How about a fast trip to page 53 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page