An Air Frce man, an Army man and a Marine are in a bar. The Army man gets frisky and throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shouts, "I'm all I can be," and shoots the bottle. The Marine sees the Army grunt, throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, screams, "I'm the few, and the proud," and shoots his bottle.

The Air Force gentleman sees what the two next to him have done, throws his bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shoots both the Army guy and the Marine and yells, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWII uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942.

He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was.

He can't believe his good luck; a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."

In World War II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being conducted.

The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then asks for volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.

Thoroughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout.

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!"
...A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead.

This continued for three days. Then a Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"
The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah!".....
"Boooom!"

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Just tell me one thing! Which one of my no-good friends did this?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean,
my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."

The Cajuns heard Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided this is WAR! Saddam was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. I'm callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"

"Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin Thibedeaux, my nex' door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men In my army waiting to move on my command."

"Woo-eee!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!"

Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."

"E-yiee!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later."

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took Marcell's utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Ah-yie-yie!" screams Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later."

Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I gots to toll you we is callin' off dis war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way he's gonna feed no two million prisoners."

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "We are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly
Surrounded by young, attractive, native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not get tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica!"

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom

''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.

''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say
'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die."

Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot.

Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6,
when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"
"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

A friend of mine is an officer in the U.S. Naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French navy.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe its because we arranged it so that you did not have to speak German."

The father thinks for a moment and then answers, "Son, you go up to both yur mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars."

The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later. "They both said yes," he tells his father.

"Now I can explain the difference between 'essence' and 'reality' to you. In essence we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality you have two whores for a mother and sister."

Three men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 each and went to the room. A little while later he realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the three guys room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure how to split the $5 between the three guys so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2. That left the three guys paying $9 each for the room. 3x9=27+ the 2 that the bellhop kept =$29. WHERE'S THE OTHER DOLLAR??????

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Ummm, yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just saw this beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it, please?"

"What's the price?"
"Only $15,000.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh..... and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the brand new 2001 models. I saw one I really liked and spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price......and since we really need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year........."

"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"Well, OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, just one more thing......"
"What's that ?"

"Now this might look like a little bit much, but I was reconciling your bank account and ...... ummm...... well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning & saw that house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"So, how much are they asking?"
"Only $850,000 - a magnificent price.....and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up while slowly shaking his head and closes the phone's flap. Then he holds the phone up and asks to all those present: "Hey, does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!'

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?"

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me
to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Now I ask myself, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Maybe I should keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

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