An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a local hospital for treatment.

While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?"
"No," said the nurse. "You were brought here yesterday."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Hey, did you here about Polish Soccer team fans throwing sticks of dynamite at the French team fans last year after the game?"
"No, I sure didn't."
"Well, the French team fans lit the sticks and threw them right back!"

An Eskimo woman is out riding her snowmobile when it suddenly breaks down. She takes it to the nearest mechanic, but he tells her he is too busy to look at it right away. "There's a restaurant across the street. Why don't you go and grab a sandwich and come back in an hour?" he says.

So the Eskimo woman goes to the restaurant and returns in an hour. "Have you had a chance to look at my snowmobile," she asks.

"Yeah," he says. "It looks like you blew a seal!"
She says, "No, that's just mayonnaise!"

Young American native asks the Chief of the tribe " Father, how does one go about naming their children in this tribe"

"Well," said the chief, "when a child is born, they are named after the first thing their parents see. My father saw a big bear. That`s why I`m called Big Bear. Just like Little Doe, your sister and Wild Horse your brother. Why do you ask this question, Two Dogs Humping?"

Hey, did you hear about Polish Soccer team fans throwing sticks of dynamite at the French team fans last year after the game?"
"No, I sure didn't."
"Well, the French team fans lit the sticks and threw them right back!"

There was a donkey parked in front of the Mexican bar. It was a border town and when an American tourist saw him he thought it was rather picturesque. While he was arranging his camera on a tripod, a clever Mexican saw his chance to make a few easy pesos.

"If you like I'll make the donkey laugh for you. That should make an interesting picture, senor."
"You mean you can do that?"

"No problemo." And sure enough after whispering something in the donkey's ear, the animal was hew hawing and stomping his feet.

"Thanks for the opportunity of a great picture," said the happy tourist.
"That's nothing senor. Maybe you like to take ee-nother. I can make him cry also."

That was also true for after the Mexican flipped open his poncho, the donkey began sobbing and actually shed copious tears.

"How did you do that. Share such a secret and I'll give you a very nice tip for your trouble," stated the American tourist.
"Well, when I whispered the first time in his ear I merely said that my sexual tool was bigger than his. The thought of such a thing gave him a laughing fit. Then all I had to do to make him cry was to show him the proof!"

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage themselves in animated conversation. The lady behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say: "Imma comes first, then I come. Two asses they come together. I come again. Then two asses, they comma together again. I pee twice, then I come once more."

"You foul swine," the lady blusters. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."
"Hey-ya there, senora, I was-sa just tella my friend how to spella that state-a...Mississippi...."

A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

"I want number 69" she replies.
"You want beef with broccoli?"

An old Jew and a young Jew are traveling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"
The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?"

The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son in law who can't even afford a watch?"

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The bully says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the BULLY and Bong!!!" bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, and then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think, and finally she gets an idea. A sure to work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man, I marry to have a 12 inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Cultural Differences Explained:
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that it is the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag waving, anthem singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words, or the language, of their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (or Internet IRC).
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get the American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four British channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain and the U.S., where everyone loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell and pronounce words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce and spell their words correctly and call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Americans, but pronounce like Brits.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy tasting beer in cans and long necked bottles.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy tasting beer in anything!
Brits: Drink warm, beery tasting piss by the half-gallon.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it!
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. Deprived of technology, they were amazed by almost everything they saw. But especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "It's a miracle. Go get your mother."

A dating Amish couple, Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid January and very cold. Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."

Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.... Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing they sure are messy when they melt!"

A Puerto Rican guy is walking down an ally, he comes across a Chinese guy who is about to give him a rough time, the Puerto Rican, says "Hey mon don't fool wid me mon, cause I numero umo Puerto Rican Judo mon."

The Chinese guy say "What the hell is Puerto Rican Judo?"
The Puerto Rican said "Judo no whether, I got a knife, Judo no whether I got a gun...."

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They preceded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

The sign on the Travel Agency said, "Economy River Cruise, $100." A polish gentleman walked in and said, "I'll take that cruise," and handed over his $100.

The agent, a big burly man, took the money, hit the man over the head and threw him out the window into the river.
Another polish guy walked in, and said, "Put me on that river cruise." He handed over his $100.

The agent took the money, hit the man over the head and threw him out the window into the river. Both men bobbed to the surface. The first one asked, "Do you think they serve meals on this cruise?"

The second one replied, "I'm not sure, but they didn't last year."

A beautiful young woman sits down next to a young man on the airplane...she pulls out some reading material. He comments about how interesting it looks. She says that it is a study of male penis's... He is a little shocked but tells her that it is very interesting and inquires as to the results of the study.

She says it was found that the population of males with the longest penis is the American Indian. The population of males with the largest diameter are Polish men...

She then says, "I am very pleased to meet you, my name is Mary Brown, and what is your name"?
He thinks for a moment and says "Tonto Kowalski."

Lena and Oley came from Norway and where expecting a baby. When the day arrived Oley took Lena to hospital. After the baby was born the doctor came into the waiting room and announced, "Oley, you're the proud father of a baby girl.! Both the baby and Lena are doing fine, but there is one little problem; the baby has one leg a little shorter than the other."

Oley replied, "That's OK. We were going to name her Eilene anyway.

There were these two very old Irishmen, life long friends, Barry Shaunessey and Patrick Houlihan. The day came when Shaunessey was on his deathbed, fading fast. Some friends and relatives gathered to say goodbye.

Finally, Shaunessey motions Houlihan over to his bedside and says "Paddy, old sod, there's something I'd like you to do for me after I'm gone, something I've been thinking about for a long time now."

"What is it Barry, I'll do anything I can for you, you know that" says Houlihan.

"Well," says Shaunessy, "you know how many times over the years you and I have gone down to the pub and enjoyed a Guinness or two, I think some of my happiest times were there."

"Aye Barry, those were fine times at that, agrees Houlihan."

"Well, says Shaunessey, I want you to promise me that after I'm gone you'll occasionally visit the cemetery and pour a little of that fine brew onto my grave in remembrance of me."

Houlihan's brow furrowed as he gave this a moments thought, then he replied "sure Barry, I'll be happy to pour a little Guinness on to your grave from time t' time, but do ye mind if I run it through me bladder first?"

When Australia got its space program going up the Cape, the scientists decided to send up three astronauts with a monkey. Before blast off, each was given an envelope, not to be opened until they'd got into orbit. Everything went pretty well, so they opened their envelopes.

The Monkey's letter listed his tasks as:
1. Recheck fuel supplies
2. Review the instrument panel
3. Adjust the solar power
4. Recycle all urine for drinking purposes
5. Check the automatic guiding systems
6. Conduct the ten scientific experiments outlined on the next page.

The three Astronauts opened their letters containing identical instruction. " Don't forget to feed the Monkey "

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor the fence Builder? Noooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor the Bar Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor the Pier Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention... "But if ya dare screw one lousy goat..."

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease.... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease... that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are all furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, 'FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED'."

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called -Proxy Fathers-. Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, -I'm off. The government man should be here soon.- Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: -Good morning.
Salesman: -Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to.....
Ms Smith: -No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: -Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.
Ms Smith: -That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Salesman: (Sitting) -Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?
Ms Smith: -Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.
Salesman: -Well, perhaps we should get down to it.
Ms Smith: (Blushing) -Just where do we start?

Salesman: -Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Ms Smith: -Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me.

Salesman: -Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please.'

Ms Smith: -Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?

Salesman: -Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.

Ms Smith: -Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) -Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms Smith: -Oh, my!

Salesman: -And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

Ms Smith: -She was?

Salesman: -Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms Smith: -Four and five deep?

Salesman: -Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Ms Smith: -You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?

Salesman: -That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms Smith: -I just can't believe it.
Salesman: -Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.
Ms Smith: -TRIPOD?
Salesman: -Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?... My word, she's fainted!

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. He arrives in Australia to film the most mysterious dance of all...the Butcher dance. He gets to talking to an Aborigine and tells him about his project. The Aborigine agrees to guide the expedition.

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. The track is in a shocking state and they are forced to crawl along at a snails pace. They reach the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the Rocky Mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and their spirits are starting to flag, but wearily They trudge on until they find the pass through the hills. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had forewarned and at times they almost despaired of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of backbreaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

Their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village.

Once he's recovered enough, the filmmaker goes before the village chief and requests permission to film their Butcher Dance. The chief grants this wish and the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid.

As dusk falls, the natives cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude," she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant. You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

There were three guys walking on a beach. A newfie, a Quebecer and a guy from Vancouver. All of a sudden a bottle washes up on shore and a Genie pops out. She gives them each one wish.

The Newfie says; My grandfather was a fisherman, my father is a fisherman, I am a fisherman and my son will be a fisherman; I want the oceans filled right up with fish. Poof the oceans are filled with fish.

The Quebecer says; I want a wall around Quebec so no one can get in.
Poof, a wall is around Quebec.
The guy from Vancouver says: Explain to me a little more about this wall around Quebec.
The Genie says; It's 150 feet high and 50 feet thick and no one can get in or out.
The Vancouver guy says, "Fill it with water."

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

This American businessman goes to Japan on business, and one night his host takes him to a Geisha house for entertainment.

All during the time that he is making love with her, she is moaning "Nagamochi!! Nagamochi!!" (If you think that is real Japanese, have I got some real estate for you!)

Some time later, the Japanese businessman is in Spoon Forks, and the American is supposed to entertain him. So they go golfing, and the American somehow manages to get a hole in one. Thinking to impress his companion, he shouts out "Nagamochi!"

The Japanese businessman looks at him, baffled, and says, "What do you mean, 'the wrong hole'?"

How about a fast trip to page 58 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page