An oil rigger setting off for another month on the platform told his pregnant wife: "When the baby arrives send me a telegram. But say: 'Bicycle arrived' and that will save me buying a round of drinks for everyone."

She said: "Yes, and I'm sure we are going to have a boy."
A week later he received a telegram: Bicycle arrived. Punctured back and front. "

One day, a married couple bore twin sons. They couldn't afford to keep them, however, so they put them up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal.

Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, the original mother said, "I'm so glad that he's happy. And what a wonderful picture. I wish we had a picture of Amal. I wonder what he looks like."

And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of a farmhouse juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man", says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay... first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember".

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see... we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says, "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out"

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

So Hymie (who's mid 50's) buys a Viagra tablet from a friend on Friday night, gulps it down and rushes home. Gets in, flies upstairs to the bedroom and goes at it for about 30 min. Best sex he's had for 30 years.

Goes downstairs and is surprised to see his wife in the kitchen. "How did you get down here so fast?" he says.
"What you talking about?" Sadie says, "I've been down here making chicken soup for the Sabbath."
"No! No!", says Hymie, "we've just had the most fantastic sex upstairs!
"Not with me!" she says.
So they go upstairs and look, only to find Sadie's exhausted mother spread-eagled on the bed.
Sadie says "Mum, you've just been having sex with Hymie!?
"I know!" her mother replies.
Sadie looks aghast. "Mum, why didn't you say anything?"
"Listen", says Mum. "I haven't spoken to that bastard husband of yours for ten years - I should start now?"

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man; I want a man."

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed.

Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans, " I want a bike, I want a bike."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her nether-lips.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, " For God's sake woman!" as he stepped further away.
"If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to tease it with meat!"

A mother and her small daughter were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

Her mother replied, "Honey, those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Ahhhhhhh, c'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth! Them there ladies are hookers!"

The mother said nothing. But after a brief period of silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have children?"

The mother replied, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already saw him.

"Billy," said his dad, "doing that will make you go blind"
"Dad," he replied, "I'm over here!"

Little Tony wants a shotgun more than anything else for his birthday. His father promises that if he scores straight A's in school, he'll buy him the shotgun. So he works hard and studies every night. At the end of the year, the report card comes in and Little Tony got straight A's, so his father makes good on the promise and buys him the shotgun.

Thrilled with his new toy, Little Tony goes around town showing it off to all his friends until he runs into Slippery Carlo.

"Hey Slippery Carlo!" says Tony, "Check out my new shotgun!"

"That's pretty nice," says Carlo. "But I got a new gold watch and it's worth a lot more money than that shotgun. But you're my friend, so I tell you what. I make you a trade... my watch for your shotgun." Little Tony thinks for a second and agrees to the trade. He takes his shiny watch home and shows it to his father, who shakes his head and says:

"Tony, Tony, Tony. One day you're gonna be a man. And you're gonna come home early from work. And you're gonna go upstairs. And you're bust into your bedroom and find your wife in bed with another man. Waddaya gonna do? Say, 'Aye! Time's up!'?"

On their way home from a Knick game, Woody announced to Soon Yi that they needed to have a serious talk. Sensing their relationship was in grave danger, Soon Yi anxiously asked, "Do I not give you enough privacy to work?"

"No, I have plenty of time for that."
"Do I not please you in bed?"
"No, it's not that either."
Just then Soon Yi's worst fear rushed to the foreground of her mind. She couldn't hold it back.
"You're not in love with our daughter, are you?" she pleaded.
"Oh, for crying out loud, don't be ridiculous", Woody assured her. "I'd say it's more of a crush."

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery, "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?"

The daughter replied, "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied, "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied, "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."

The son then asks, "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says, "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"

The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks, "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could.

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a small matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

A large company offered to fly me out to a meeting business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness bag.

After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union could be saved.

The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"

To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.
As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked him to spell "straight." He did so correctly.
"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water," he replied.

A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother...

"I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!"

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

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