There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. "After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!"

The missionary tries to cover himself up by saying: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK TO THY YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid."

A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet.

Boy: Sure is dark in here.
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball
Lover: How nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Lover: How much?
Boy: $25.00
Lover: That's outrageous.
Boy: My dad is outside.
Lover: Okay I will buy it.
A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again.
Boy: Sure is dark in here
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Lover: (Remembering the last time) says "How much?"
Boy: $75.00
The lover buys the glove.

Shortly after the father says to the boy," Lets go out and catch some ball." The little boy says he can't because he sold his ball and glove.

Father: For how much?
Boy: $100.00.

Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess.

So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says "Sure is dark in here."

Then the priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."

"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger."

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

I went down to the store and bought two blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put them in the machine and turned the volume up full blast. While walking around my house, I heard a knock on the door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise. He's a mime.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all the records. When I returned them to my friend he said, "Hey, these records are all blank!"

Doing a little work around the house I put fake brick paper over real bricks. That was just so I'l be the only one who knew. People would come over and I'd say, "Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was merely going from the living room to the kitchen when the stewardess told me to sit down.

My girlfriend paints her fingernails with whiteout. At night when she's asleep, I go over and write mis-spelled words on them.

I like my apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikki. Last summer Nikki was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Khrisna picnics.

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said five. He said, "When I was your age I was six."

I didn't get a toy train like other kids. Instead I got a toy subway. You couldn't see it, but every once in awhile you'd hear a rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid I also wanted one of those strollers that could hold twins. Then I could put my little brother in it and push it around frantically like I was looking for a lost twin. When brother got old enough to ask questions I would tell him, "Yes, there was another, but I lost him because he didn't obey me."

Cleaning out my closet one time I found an old swimming suit of mine made out of sponges. I remember getting out of the swimming pool one time, and no one could swim any more until I got back in.

My son asked me to buy him a computer so he could do job interviews. He doesn't understand that spending hours in a chat room with someone nicknamed "Hot and Naked" doesn't qualify as an interview.

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
Don't hold something in your arms that you could never hold in your heart.
There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last.
"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" - Steven Wright

Went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What is your malfunction? Do you have a mute button?
Have you just recently fallen out of the stupid tree?
By the way, what do you think of the human race? We'd like an
outsider's opinion.
Are you new here, or do you always have that confused look on your face?
Did you eat paint chips as a child?
Why are you still here?
What alternate universe are you living in?
Were you born stupid, or are you just practicing right now"?
Wanted to use that one a few times. Steve

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

I went down to the store and bought two blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put them in the machine and turned the volume up full blast. While walking around my house, I heard a knock on the door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise. He's a mime.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all the records. When I returned them to my friend he said, "Hey, these records are all blank!"

Doing a little work around the house I put fake brick paper over real bricks. That was just so I'l be the only one who knew. People would come over and I'd say, "Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was merely going from the living room to the kitchen when the stewardess told me to sit down.

My girlfriend paints her fingernails with whiteout. At night when she's asleep, I go over and write mis-spelled words on them.

I like my apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikki. Last summer Nikki was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Khrisna picnics.

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said five. He said, "When I was your age I was six."

I didn't get a toy train like other kids. Instead I got a toy subway. You couldn't see it, but every once in awhile you'd hear a rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid I also wanted one of those strollers that could hold twins. Then I could put my little brother in it and push it around frantically like I was looking for a lost twin. When brother got old enough to ask questions I would tell him, "Yes, there was another, but I lost him because he didn't obey me."

Cleaning out my closet one time I found an old swimming suit of mine made out of sponges. I remember getting out of the swimming pool one time, and no one could swim any more until I got back in.

My son asked me to buy him a computer so he could do job interviews. He doesn't understand that spending hours in a chat room with someone nicknamed "Hot and Naked" doesn't qualify as an interview.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I answered, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Ten page papers use to be impossible; now they are a godsend and it's hard to realize how many people are smarter than you.

Two old maids sat in a park when a well-hung streaker runs past. One of the old maids has a stroke, but the other simply couldn't reach that far.

I have an answering machine in my car that says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call back when I'm out.

I bought a dog the other day and named him Stay. It's fun to call him, "Come here Stay. Come here Stay." He went insane and now he just keeps typing.

You know how it is when you go to a psychology experiment and no one shows up. You think that's part of the experiment. I'm like that all the time.

Girl to her impatient lover: "The last time you played with something that short and thin it had an eraser on the end of it."

The LATEST PICKUP LINE this year… a guy dips his finger in his drink and dribbles it on the woman's sleeve...saying, "Lets go home and get you out of these wet clothes."

I went into a clothing store the other day and the salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?"
I said, "Yah, do you have anything I like?"
He said, "What do you mean, 'Do we have anything you like?`"
I said, "You started this."

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh claim to have located the "Gullibility Center" of the brain, and outline an operation in which a neurosurgeon can go into the brain and lower the gullibility of a person, leaving the rest of the brain unaltered. If you believe this, then you are a very gullible person and ought to consider having the operation done.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next-door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".

Within the hour, the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed DAAAADeeeee!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

In high school I was on a team where the coach kept saying, "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." He was right. All we did was spin around and lose again.

Tattoos
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. "Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"

"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."

"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.

"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."

With that, he runs out of he shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find. It happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

This woman wanted a tattoo of the Beach Boys done on her body and went to price such a thing at a local tattoo parlor. The price quoted was $3,000. "No way," was the husband's answer when she asked him for the money. "Here's a hundred dollars. Go see what he'll give you for that."

So the next day she goes back to the tattoo artist. The artist says, "I can give you two nice B's. That could stand for the Beach Boys."

"Sure," she answered. "That will have to do, I guess."

So the fellow tattooed one B on each of her lower cheeks. She really liked the effect and went home to wait for her husband.

When he got home, she said, "Honey, check out my tattoo." She dropped her drawers and bent over.

He took one look and said, "Who is Bob?"

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was WY.

Shortly after the couple was married, they were honeymooning in Jamaica when the man had an adventure. At the airport he went in the bathroom and was standing next to a Jamaican who also had WY on his penis.

The American said to him, "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied "No Mon, that says Welcome To Jamaica. Have A Nice Day."

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

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