Worries
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

As the chemist walked back into his shop after his lunch break, he noticed an individual clinging with white knuckles to the lamppost outside. "What happened to him?" he asked his assistant who had been minding business while he was away.

"He's got a bad cough." replied the assistant.
"What did you give him?" the chemist asked.
"A strong laxative", the assistant replied, "now he doesn't dare cough."

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Please stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."

King Arthur was preparing to do battle with Modred on a far border of his kingdom. Leaving Queen Guinevere alone with those active Round Table knights left him uneasy. In fact he was plenty worried about the trouble his lady could get herself into. Lancelot was not the only one with eyes for her. Merlin was sought for his sage advice.

Merlin asked for time to think about the problem. Sometime later he came back with just what was needed. Merlin's laboratory provided an invention that would save any maiden from embarrassment, a chastity belt. There had been such devices before but nothing like this one.

"You say you've solved my problem?" asked the king.
"This will do the trick," gloated Merlin confidently.

"But how can it work? It has a rather large hole right where there should be a blocking!" growled the king. "Just when I thought my lady would be safe... Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect anyone from being diddled?"

"Oh, but you haven't seen what the protection is! Just watch what it does to this carrot when I put it into that slot."

He then inserted it in the opening of the chastity belt. There could be heard a snapping sound and sure enough a blade had come out and sliced that carrot neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his duel with Modred. Modred proved a tough challenge and much time passed.

Some years later he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, all of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But the gallant Sir Galahad was speechless.....

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said, "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Eat chocolate… why worry.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. (but if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?)

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A guy's sitting on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl

"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

A man buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store.

When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"
The man snaps, "Exactly!"

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquillized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said,
"I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing
'Shell' sign. "
"So, why did that cause you to struggle so much?"
"Somebody was standing in front of the 'S,'" he said shaking his head in a knowing way. "Think about that!"

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."

The fellow bent over, picked up the frog and put the little creature in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The good-looking young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and then returned it to his pocket. This time the voice coming from his pocket sounded desperate. "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I promise I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

Again, the rather intelligent looking young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it right back into his pocket. Finally, the frog became very impatient and said, "What is the matter. I told you I am really a beautiful princess and that I would stay with you for a week and do whatever you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

"Look, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for dilly-dalling around with a girlfriend, but I think having a frog is cool."

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says. "I'll get my hat."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says: "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that three pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, well then what's the six pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the twelve-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen I have three girls coming over tonight. I never had three girls at once before, I need something to keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes."

Next day, same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Absorbine Jr."

To which the pharmacist replies, "Absorbine Jr.? You're not going to put Absorbine Jr. on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my arm, the girls didn't show up."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A small girl is standing next to her even smaller brother while he gets his first haircut. Hair is flying everywhere and she's munching a Twinkie:
Barber: "Little girl, there's a hair on your cookie."
Little girl (proudly): "Yes I know, and I'm only eight years old!"

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him. He kicked the Chicken and his mother saw him and said, "I saw that! You cannot have any chicken for a month."

Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to.
His mother saw him again saying, "I saw that, young man. You can not have any pork for two months."

The boy's father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by. His father kicked the cat out of the way. The boy saw his mother heading in that direction and spoke out, "Ma you want me to tell him or should I."

New things you learn when you have children better known as the don't try this at home department (go to the neighbors house and use their kids)

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

History is fun when kids write it…
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

A door to door salesman knocks on a suburban door and it is opened by a 9 year old boy, puffing on a long black cigar.

Salesman: "Is your mother home?"
Boy (after taking a leisurely puff and flicking the ashes on the floor): "What do you think?"

A little girl's dad always drove her to preschool but one week he was out of town and Mom had to drive her. After a little time she raised up and looked over the dash all around and said." Where did all the STUPID IDIOTS go?"

Mom said, "I think they only come out when dad drives."

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

MOTHER: "What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?"
DAUGHTER: "Shall I leave out the profanity?"
MOTHER: "Yes, of course!"
DAUGHTER: "Nothing."

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

Joe walked in the door after work, and announced his arrival.
"I'm upstairs taking a douche!" his wife called out.
"Damnit, I told you never to talk like that" Joe yelled back.
"What do you want," his wife replied, "good grammar or good taste?"

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