Merry Meet!

Allow me to introduce myself... I am known as ShadowSpirit. I am in my early/mid 20's, and I am a BBWW.
Some of you, I'm sure, are wondering "Just what is a BBWW?"

A BBWW is a Big Beautiful Wiccan Woman. And that is what I am! I have been a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) all my life and ten years ago I became a BBWW (Big Beautiful Wiccan Woman).

This has been a struggle for me in many ways. First is, of course, society. Much of society turns their noses down at fat people. I have had to listen to the taunts and ridicules of people my whole life. Growing up was especially hard. It was difficult to make friends. I had to be careful that I wasn't just being teased again. I found my voice however when I entered high school and my life became a little easier. I gained confidence in myself and found that made a big difference in how I was treated. Until I found Wicca. Again I had to deal with the stares and accusations. "OOO! She's a satanist!" was the most common I'd hear. And no one wanted to listen to a fat unpopular girl try to tell them differently. I stayed faithful to my beliefs however, (much thanks to the Coven I belonged to at the time) even though it made it even harder for me to make friends. I eventually found a few others that believed as I did and they even joined the Coven with me.

A few years into my journey as a BBWW I started going out with a man I thought was very nice. He was a xian and tried very hard to "save" me. I ended up going to church with him and I actually made some friends there. Then my nightmare started. They (my so-called xian "friends") started to harass my Coven family. They would come to the Circle and pray loudly around us. They even went so far as to bring most of their church one time! In order to avoid tainting the energy of the Circle, I left. It was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I wasn't strong enough by myself yet to be able to resist the brainwashing techniques of xians. I tried, but eventually I submitted and gave my life to their god.

At first it seemed as though my life was getting better. But in retrospect I realise it was only that the harassment had stopped, which of course seemed wonderful. I made many new friends in the church. However, that had a price. None of my new friends approved of my old friends. At first I refused to leave my friends behind. But, in typical xian tradition, I was confronted by an intervention group. "Your so-called friends don't care about you. They're going hell!!! They want to hurt you, they worship the devil." And on, and on, and on. After a while of this my resistence was lowered and I gave in.

Meanhile, while all this was happening I was still involved with the "xian" man. We'll call him "Tom". Tom convinced me to let him move in. He brainwashed me into thinking that since he was the man he had the final decision. Well, soon after he moved in the abuse started. First it was emotional and mental, calling me names, telling me I was ugly and fat, no one but him would ever want me, etc. My conidence plummeted to an all time low. Then the physical abuse started. He would say that god gave him permission to hit me because I wouldn't submit myself totally to him (Tom). Tom refused to get a job, I had to try to support the two of us. All I could find however was a part-time job. We couldn't pay the rent and found ourselves facing an eviction notice. Which of course made Tom beat me even more than before. "If you'd been good then god would've given you a better job," Tom would yell at me night and day. (There were a couple of times when I ended up in the emergency room because he beat me so bad. Each time the nurses and doctors just ignored the signs of abuse and turned a deaf ear.) Two days before the eviction I came home from work and found that Tom was gone. I felt both relieved and scared at the same time. I didn't have anywhere to go, but at least Tom was gone.

I called my sister, who I hadn't spoken to in years and begged her to let me live with her. She reluctantly agreed. I lost my job because I moved so far away. But I was closer to the church, I tried to seek comfort there. But Tom was still there. I talked to the pastor, but all he'd say is that I brought the abuse upon myself because I was living a sinful life by living with a man. I asked god to forgive me and dove deeper into being a good xian. I studied, and prayed, and fasted, etc. I was baptised in the holy spirit and even spoke in tongues. But I soon found out I was pregnant.

I didn't know what to do. I had no job, no stable place to live, and no prospects for the future. The pastor told me to pray about it. I did. Three days later I had a miscarriage. That sent my life spiralling downward. I was mad! God was supposed to be a god of love and life right? HA! The pastor tried to pass it off to satan. The child must've been of the devil so god took it away.

Well, a lot more happened to me while being a xian, mostly bad, but I won't bore you with it here. To make a long story short I was lost and my life was going downhill fast, appeared to have no brakes and up ahead was a great big brick wall. So I prayed and fasted for a few days non-stop. I was still thinking with a xian mindset so I asked god to help me and show me what to do. And he did. He lead me back to my Mother.

I called my old friends and begged them to forgive me. They did. And I pledged my life back to my Mother and Father. I again had a place to live, I found another (better) job, and I finally found peace with my miscarriage.

My life has taken many twists and turns since then. Most good, but since this is reality, some bad. I've had several broken relationships since then, but I've learned a lot from all of them. I've learned that I deserve respect in my relationships. I've learned that I don't have to accept certain behavior (ex - cheating) just because he's a man. And I've learned that in order to truly love someone else, I MUST love myself first.

I now have a wonderful (though completely unexpected) daughter, who is my life. Her biological father an I tried to build a family for her sake, but thanks to my newfound knowledge, I realised early enough that it wouldn't last. And I'm glad I did. Because I know I couldn't fully appreciate any man if I thought I had no strength without him. I have learned how to find and be my own strength. And that's a lesson everyone needs to learn.