A

About a Boy - Delightfully shallow.

About Schmidt - A fine, fine film.

Adaptation - A voice over and above.

A.I. - It's real all right, but real what?

The Alamo - A treasured piece of Americana.

Alexander - My Big Fat Greek Tragedy.

Alien vs. Predator - Whoever wins, we don't care.

Almost Famous - Almost perfect.

Along Came a Spider - A sticky web of intrigue and action.

Amelie - Quirky and cute French import (subtitle warning).

American Beauty - Eccentric yet engaging. The year's best.

American Pie - A slice of comedic ambrosia.

American Pie 2 - This summer it's all about getting sloppy together.

American Wedding - Your basic American love story.

America's Sweethearts - This nation loves cutesy fluffy romantic comedies.

Analyze That - I'll vouch for some guffaws.

Analyze This - Mobsters have feelings too.

Anchorman - Stay classy, iJeff viewers.

Anger Management - Mismanaged.

An Ideal Husband - Not ideal for me. I'm sure it's better on stage.

Antz - Maybe all Woody Allen films from now on should be animated.

Any Given Sunday - Stone's newest effort is given to cause headaches and seizures.

The Apostle - Duvall's never been better.

Arlington Road - Interesting ending, otherwise so-so.

Austin Powers in Goldmember - Still shagadelic the third time 'round.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me - Rolling-on-the-floor funny.

The Avengers - Bad script, bad cast, bad direction, bad editing = Really bad movie.

The Aviator - Soars.

B

Babe: Pig in the City - Great visuals but too depressing.

Bad Boys 2 - Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Bad Santa - For goodness' sake, stay away.

Bandits - Butch and Sundance it ain't.

Barbershop - A fun cut-up.

Basic - Neither shocking nor awing.

Batman Begins - Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light?

Battlefield Earth - Travolting.

A Beautiful Mind - A terrible thing to waste.

Bedazzled - Sell your soul to Liz.

Behind Enemy Lines - Formulaic military hero-rah rah.

Being John Malkovich - Original, inventive...insert 10 other positive adjectives.

Best in Show - Just don't luuuuuv your pet.

Bewitched - Magical comedy.

Big Daddy - Big disappointment. Disturbing more than funny.

Big Fish - Don't let it be the one that got away.

Black Hawk Down - Reality was never so real.

The Blair Witch Project - Not scary, but excellent psychological thriller that will affect filmmaking for the next decade.

Blood Work - Steady pulse.

Blue Crush - Surf's up!

Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius - Even par.

Boiler Room - Take stock in the future by seeing this hip film.

Bounce - A match made in liars heaven.

Bound - Too bad when even lesbians can't save a film.

The Bourne Identity - Don't forget this cool spy thriller.

The Bourne Supremacy - All the makings of a tasty treat.

Bowfinger - I can't put my finger on it. Yeah, it's funny, but nothing great.

Bridget Jones's Diary - Signed. Sealed. Delivered. I'm yours, Renee.

Bringing Down the House - Sublet before buying.

Bringing Out the Dead - Contains some dead-on characterization.

Brotherhood of the Wolf - Feed your inner animal.

The Brothers Grimm - Collected everything but a cohesive story.

Bruce Almighty - In Jim We Trust.

A Bug's Life - Disney could make a scab adorable.

Bulletproof Monk - Fulfills entertainment enlightenment.

The Butterfly Effect - Dude, where's my memory?

C

Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Plays your heart strings.

Casino Royale - Stirring.

Cast Away - Get away from it all.

Catch Me If You Can - Catch it, you must.

Celebrity - Brief scenes of genius, otherwise tedious.

The Cell - Mind over matter.

Charlie's Angels - I've seen a piece of what heaven has to offer.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - Stuck in the wrong gear.

Charlotte Gray - Embattled.

Chicago - Razzle-Dazzled me.

Chicken Run - A clucking good time.

Chocolat - Sensually sweet.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - A bundle of entertainment.

The Chronicles of Riddick - A Necromonger of a good time.

Cinderella Man - No glass jaw for Jim Braddock.

City by the Sea - Comes at you in waves.

A Civil Action - A little long, but worth a matinee viewing.

Cold Mountain - Too depressing? Fiddle-dee-dee!

Collateral - And you thought taxis were just dangerously smelly.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind - Say seven Hail Marys and whack a Commie in the morning.

Confidence - It's about playing it cool, man.

Constantine - Hellishly entertaining.

Contact - Definitely not a waste of space.

The Count of Monte Cristo - Fine escapism (literally and figuratively).

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - Oriental epic that kicks some tail.

Cruel Intentions - Women kiss. Need I say more?

D

Daredevil - Sinfully enjoyable.

Dark Blue - Black and blue.

Dick - Good support unable to make up for inane lead characters.

Die Another Day - Nearly dead in the water.

The Dish - Relays the cute back story during one of mankind's greatest achievements.

Dodgeball - Don't duck away from it.

Dogma - Humorous, repetitive, elightening, drab. I can't make up my mind.

Double Jeopardy - Answer: A movie that has no IQ requirement to enjoy. Question: What is Double Jeopardy?

Down With Love - Not up for it.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas - I hate to be a grinch, but I was disappointed.

Driven - Stalled in the pits.

The Dukes of Hazzard - Careens out of control.

E

EDtv - Truman Show stole its thunder.

Eight Below - Doggies!

8 Mile - Joyless, yet well made.

8 Women - Toss out the Y chromosome and things get unhinged.

Election - My vote for most intelligent teen comedy ever.

Elektra - Kickin' it new school.

Elf - 'Tis the season to be jolly.

Elizabeth - Absolutely stunning portrayal of a young Queen Elizabeth I.

Elizabethtown - Quarterlife Crisis.

End of Days - Some days it's fun to watch an Arnold action flick.

Enemy at the Gates - Worth a shot.

Enemy of the State - Too fast. Gave me a headache.

Entrapment - Felt trapped in my seat in this dull caper picture.

Equilibrium - When freedom is outlawed, only guys with super martial arts skills and guns will have freedom.

Erin Brockovich - Pretty woman wins a civil action.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Unforgettable.

Evolution - Loses out in the survival of the funniest.

Eye of the Beholder - Behold mediocrity.

Eyes Wide Shut - My eyes were shut and my mouth wide open (snoring).

F

Fever Pitch - Down the middle.

50 First Dates - I love Drew over and over and over and over and over again.

Fight Club - Knockout film that deters, not inspires, violence with stunning visuals and pulsating soundtrack.

Finding Forrester - Find your inspiration.

Finding Neverland - Clap if you believe magical movies still exist!

Forces of Nature - Nothing forced about the draw of Affleck and Bullock.

For Love of the Game - Great baseball scenes, dull love story.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin - Even better the second time.

The Four Feathers - Ordinary, so it won't ruffle your feathers.

Freddy vs. Jason - They slice! They dice! They chop through teens in one fell swoop!

Frequency - Tune in to an interesting concept.

G

Galaxy Quest - Succeeds by going where few have gone before.

Gangs of New York - Don't fughedaboutit.

Garden State - Quarterlife Crisis.

The General's Daughter - By-the-book thriller.

Ghost World - So in that it's cool, but not for me.

The Gift - Return it.

Gladiator - Unleash a kickass flick.

Go! - Four stars means you should Go see it.

Gods and Generals - History tastes great, script less filling.

Gods and Monsters - Ian McKellan gives an Oscar-worthy performance.

The Good Girl - Good girl makes bad choices.

Gosford Park - Stuffy to a fault.

The Great Raid - Indeed, it was.

The Green Mile - Miraculous.

Guess Who - This cracker laughed.

Gunner Palace - Thought-provoking documentary.

H

Hannibal - It's what's for dinner.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - An open book.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Magic works.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Entertainus maximus.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - Tricks a treat.

Hearts in Atlantis - A modest, genuine mystery.

Heist - Crooked script with Cool crooks.

Hellboy - On fire for the spawn.

Hero - You'll be hungry for more in an hour.

High Fidelity - In tune with romantic comedy.

A History of Violence - Pacificism is for dead people.

Hitch - Cure for the common Jeff.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - 42 thumbs up.

Hollywood Homicide - It'll make a killing.

The Hours - Can you feel it?

House of Flying Daggers - Sharp.

The Hulk - Jeff no like. Jeff smash!

I

Identity - Shh. It's a secret.

The Importance of Being Earnest - A Wilde ride.

In and Out - Not a terrible rental.

In the Bedroom - A serious drama for serious times.

Inside Man - A Spike Lee joint. Without the joints.

The Insider - My sources tell me that it is a great film.

Instinct - Gooding, Jr. and Hopkins make it worthwhile if you avoid your instinct to skip the film.

Intolerable Cruelty - Love. Honor. Obey.

I, Robot - I, Don't Care.

The Iron Giant - I thought everyone wanted family-oriented films? Then go see this film, dagummit!

The Island - Bay being Bay.

The Italian Job - Not much brain work. In a good way.

J

Jarhead - A Scud.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Snootchie bootchie good time.

Jurassic Park 3 - Heh heh, people getting bitten in half are cool.

K

K 19: The Widowmaker - Submerged without sympathy.

Keeping the Faith - A priest, a rabbi and a blonde make a charming movie...

Kill Bill, Vol. 1 - A revenge movie is best served cold-hearted.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 - Wows us with flash.

King Arthur - Gather 'round.

King Kong - Tons of action but focus on the drama.

A Knight's Tale - I weighed it, I measured it, and I did not find it wanting.

Knockaround Guys - Takes a lickin'.

K-PAX - Your task is to ride the light to the theater.

L

The Ladykillers - Slay 'em with style.

The Last Castle - Worth a salute.

The Last Samurai - Honorable.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Ordinary.

The Legend of Bagger Vance - Redford a natural at sports drama.

Les Miserables - I need to hear the music!

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou - More Bill, more better.

Life Is Beautiful - Helps make life worth living.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - One movie to bind us all.

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - My precious!

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - Towers over the rest.

Lord of War - Shoots from the hip.

Lost in Translation - Once was lost, but now am found.

Love Actually - Disappointing, actually.

M

Magnolia - You can't help but watch when things "happen."

The Majestic - Just doesn't feel grander than life.

Man on the Moon - Carrey's stock rises, movie shines as a beacon of joy.

The Man Who Wasn't There - The pacing that wasn't there.

March of the Penguins - The coldest movie with the warmest heart.

The Mask of Zorro - Unmasking a fine actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - A sea worthy expedition.

The Matador - Didn't feel like charging the film's red cape.

Matchstick Men - A good movie, and that's no swindle.

The Matrix - The kickin' booty movie of the year!

The Matrix Reloaded - Being The One ain't all it's cracked up to be.

The Matrix Revolutions - For entertainment purposes only.

Meet Joe Black - One shocking scene makes it worth the money. 3 hours too long otherwise.

Meet the Parents - Meet embarrassment.

Men in Black 2 - Hard to make 'it' look good twice.

The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc - This movie spoke to me, and fortunately I was listening to the message.

Minority Report - A sometimes troubled vision.

Miracle - I still believe.

Mission: Impossible 2 - Cruise control.

The Missing - Find it.

Mission to Mars - Whew! This movie reeks. You gotta go see it!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith - Until attempted murder do us part.

Memento - Don't forget to catch this gem.

The Mexican - Viva la Brad y Julia!

Monsters, Inc. - Boo-yeah!

Moonlight Mile - Not typical, but the same.

Moulin Rouge - It cancan seduce you.

The Mummy - Won't bring back the dead, but fun two hours.

The Mummy Returns - Raising old-style B movies from the dead.

The Musketeer - All for one, and one for some.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding - Approved by the gods

Mystery Men - Not even Underdog can save this super-dud.

N

Napoleon Dynamite - I'll see whatever I want! Gosh!

National Treasure - Brought to you by the National Archives, who would like you to know that it's not really that easy to steal historical documents.

The Nativity Story - THE Christmas Story.

Never Been Kissed - Love ya Drew, but physical comedy is not your style.

Not Another Teen Movie - Another stupid teen movie.

Notting Hill - Hugh, Julia fall in love. No big whoop.

Nurse Betty - Prescription for accolades.

O

O Brother Where Art Thou - The best film of 2000.

Ocean's 11 - I'm in.

Ocean's 12 - One heist to rule them all.

Old School - You don't have to be a frosh to enjoy sophomoric humor.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico - Ole!

One Day in September - It's all real.

One Hour Photo - Creepy.

Open Range - I reckon you ought to see this fine Western.

The Others - You think you know, but you don't know. You know?

Out of Sight - Jennifer Lopez. Wowza!

P

The Patriot - Not revolutionary, but worth the price, taxes (with representation) included.

Payback - Root for the bad guy, but wait 'til VHS.

Pay It Forward - It's good, pass it on.

Pearl Harbor - Nothing sneaky about it, this one tries to blow you away.

The Perfect Storm - Into each life a 100-foot wave must fall.

The Phantom of the Opera - Like, whatever.

Phone Booth - Take the aisle down the center.

Pi - Still gives me nightmares, and not in a good way.

The Pianist - A well done, if difficult to see, film.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Yo-ho-ho, a pirate movie is for me!

Pitch Black - Darkness, murder and aliens, oh my!

Planet of the Apes - A lot of monkey business.

Pleasantville - Enchanting tale.

The Prince of Egypt - Animation, movie and soundtrack are all phenomenal.

The Producers - Ven you got it, flaunt it (less than this, though).

Proof of Life - Livin' la vida loca.

Psycho - Why!?

Punch-Drunk Love - A sometimes splendid thing.

Pushing Tin - Lot of stars who didn't even try to push the limits of acting.

Q

R

Rat Race - Overcooked.

The Recruit - I'm a scary judge of movie talent.

The Red Violin - Why Independent movies are made.

Reign of Fire - Summer fire that pops the popcorn flick.

Reindeer Games - The joys of Christmas: robbery, casinos and using people with sex.

Road to Perdition - On the right path.

Road Trip - Stalled comedy.

Ronin - Action not bad. Motley crew of actors a plus.

The Rookie - Slowed down with age.

The Royal Tenenbaums - Fit for a king.

Rules of Engagement - Follows the rules (i.e. cliches) of military drama.

Runaway Jury - Runaway hippies.

The Rundown - Your options are limited.

Run Lola Run - The filmmakers take the intense energy and style and run with it in this uber-cool flick.

Rush Hour - Enjoyable buddy picture.

Rush Hour 2 - Me love them long time.

Rushmore - Wickedly worth every penny. Bill Murray deserved a nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

S

The Santa Clause 2 - Jolly good time.

Scary Movie - I see funny people.

School of Rock - Class in session.

The Score - Interesting in parts. Just not enough of them.

The Scorpion King - So shall it B the people's movie.

Scream 3 - Do you like scary movies? Then why see the Scream franchise?

Seabiscuit - A day at the races where everyone wins.

Secondhand Lions - Firsthand disappointment.

Serenity - Tranquillity.

Shaft - I can dig it.

Shakespeare in Love - How do I love thee?

Shallow Hal - Careful not to gorge yourself on sweets.

Shanghai Knights - A real bobby dazzler.

Shanghai Noon - There's laughs in them thar hills.

Shopgirl - Single is as single does.

Showtime - Exit, stage right.

Shrek - Once upon a time there was a fun movie...

Shrek 2 - Green with funny.

Sideways - Goes down easy.

The Siege - Audience under siege. Run!

Signs - Swings away.

A Simple Plan - Nothing simple about this intense movie.

Sin City - Grand Theft Awesome!

The 6th Day - Brave old world.

61* - Plenty of room in this one for two heroes.

The Sixth Sense - "Fantastically creepy! One of year's best!"

Sleepy Hollow - Director Burton headed in the right direction.

Snatch - A grab bag of entertainment.

Solaris - Creepily lovely.

Something's Gotta Give - Oldest battle there is, between the sexes.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - Shockingly, grotesquely, laugh-out-loud funny.

Space Cowboys - The right stuff (for the first 2/3, at least).

The Spanish Prisoner - Better than expected. Steve Martin proves he has range.

Spider-Man - With great stories come great responsibilities.

Spider-Man 2 - A tangled web.

Spy Game - He shoots, he scores!

Starsky & Hutch - An easy ride in Bay City.

Star Trek: Insurrection - It's an odd Star Trek. Uh-oh.

Star Trek: Nemesis - Set phasers on 'blah'.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Do I really have to explain? ... Star Wars Episode 1 standing-in-line journal - 12 hours! We rule!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - Lucas can't clone magic.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - End of an era.

Stealth - It may not be easy or straightforward but it is lucid, searching and anything but hollow. *snicker*

The Straight Story - A straight and narrow film that spans the ages.

Stuck on You - Attached at the funny bone.

Summer Catch - Strike out.

Summer of Sam - More like summer, fall, winter, spring, summer again, zzzzz.

The Sum of All Fears - Doesn't add up.

S.W.A.T. - In and out without a scratch.

Sweet Home Alabama - "Where the skies are so blue."

T

The Talented Mr. Ripley - More than a talented cast makes this a memorable trip to Italy.

Tarzan - Best animated Disney film since The Lion King.

10 Things I Hate About You - Under 20? Go see it. Over 20? Don't bother.

The Terminal - A pleasant layover.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines - It's the end of the world, as we know it, and I feel fine.

Thank You For Smoking - Blows smoke rings around Hollywood.

The Thin Red Line - "Gore Vidal Goes to War." Just say no.

Thirteen Days - A little slow, but it gets the point across.

The Thirteenth Floor - Decent sci-fi.

The 13th Warrior - Entertaining turn of the millenium (meaning 1,000 years ago) sorcery and swashbuckling tale.

The Thomas Crown Affair - Have to crown the original King.

Three Kings - Ushering in a new golden age of great filmmaking

3000 Miles to Graceland - You'd think Sex, Drugs and Elvis would leave me craving more. You'd think.

The Time Machine - Why can't you change the past?

Tomb Raider - Jolie shows off her big guns.

Tomb Raider 2 - Jolie opened up Pandora's Box, and let everything out.

Toy Story 2 - Playing with my past.

Traffic - I'm high on believing that this is a film for the ages.

The Transporter - Where do you want to kick tail today?

Trekkies - Some people deserve to be laughed at.

Troy - Homeric.

The Tuxedo - Doesn't fit.

200 Cigarettes - New Year's Eve was never so dull.

U

U-571 - Not a lot of depth, but plenty of charge.

Unbreakable - You must see it. It's unpreventable.

Underworld - The blood-sucking movie of the year!

V

Van Helsing - Too much suckitude.

Vertical Limit - Taken to the limit of your imagination.

A Very Long Engagement - A marriage of style and substance.

The Village - Who's afraid of big red riding hoodlum?

W

Walking Tall - Revenge is a dish best served with the side of a 2X4.

Walk the Line - It burns, burns, burns.

War of the Worlds - Close Enounters of the "Doomed!" Kind.

The Waterboy (with SW Episode 1 trailer premier!) - For Sandler fans only.

Wedding Crashers - I take thee comedy for better and funnier ...

We Were Soldiers - A fight for sore eyes.

What Dreams May Come - Interesting tale of the after-life with dark and colorful brushstrokes.

What Lies Beneath - Quietly addictive.

What Women Want - I'm sorry, what did you say?

Wild Wild West - You'd think for $100 million+ they could afford a decent script.

Windtalkers - Unfortunately told in an all too familiar code.

Wing Commander - The $4.95 effects budget had to have been bought through QVC.

The World is Not Enough - Ocre. Medi-ocre.

X

The X-Files - For fans only.

X-Men - X doesn't quite mark the spot.

X2 - X-citing.

XXX - Extreme!

Y

You've Got Mail - They get mail, we get cliches

Z