IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY.....
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filling an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to leave the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
You may be a redneck fire fighter if :
*your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while going to a scene
•you have naked lady mud-flaps on your pumper
•your firehouse has wheels
•you've ever got back and found you've locked yourself out of the firehouse
•fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire get'n drunk
•you've ever been toned out on an out house fire also if that out house fire was with entrapment
•you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground
•your personal vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it
•you've ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck
•your rescue can smoke the tires
•your department's name is misspelled on your equipment
•the nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment
•dispatch can't mention your name without laughing
•the local news crew won't put your department on T.V. because you embarrassed them last time.
•you've ever locked the keys in your trucks
•you've ever referred to a light bar as sexy
•your defib consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder
•you've ever taken a girl out in a pumper
•your pumper has been on fire more times than it's been to a fire
•your pumper smokes more than the house fire
•you've ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire
•you've ever called it quits on a house fire when the beer got hot
•you've ever been late to a house fire because you had to stop and get the guy who fell off the truck
•you've ever stopped in route to pick up a road kill
•you hand out spit cans before each meeting
•you have a sign out front of your station that says will fight fires for beer
•you're equipment has chew stains down the sides of 'em
•everyone on your department is related in some way or another
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.I have...
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.When all you knew were colors,multiplication tables,and nursery rhymes,but that didn't bother you,because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.That everyone is honest and good.
Iwant to believe that anything is possible.I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,mountains of paper work,depressing news,figuring out how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank,doctor bills,gossip,illness,and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles,hugs,a kind word,truth,justice,peace,dreams,the >imagination,mankind,and making angels in the snow.
So,here's my checkbook,my car keys,my credit card bills and my 401K statements.I am officially resigning from adulthood.And if you want to discuss this futher,you'll have to catch me first,cause, "Tag!You're It."
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Kathie Price
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The content of this site, including written material but not limited to the text and images herein and their arrangement, are copyright © 1998-1999 by Katheran M. Price PEO, Prevention & Safety Educator. All Rights Reserved
