My Testimony

For those of you who do not know me. I thought maybe it was time for me to place my testimony up on my site. It isn't easy sharing the intimate details of one's life with others. But it is necessary, so that others can see the full effect of what God has done in another's life.

I was born and raised in East Tennessee, I am the oldest of five children. 4 girls and one boy. I find it necessary to begin with my Mother, whom I love, admire and adore. Mom made sure each and everyone of her children had a strong Biblical Foundation. That meant Sunday School and church as well as her leading us in daily devotions.

Prior to my teen years my childhood was all but being a child. My father was very abusive in every sense of the word. Not only was my mother beaten and battered almost daily, but as well all of us children were. The abuse was not limited to psychical but mental, emotional, and sexual. When I was 11 years old my father began molesting me. No, it wasn't the type that made me "Daddy's special girl". It was the type that was " I own you", I had been told and convinced that sex was a form of discipline for females.

In 1979 my mother walked away from this horrible situation never to look back. She relocated us to Southern California where I lived until 1995. During the first few years of the separation from my father it was very hard. My mother had left many times before only to be found and dragged back home. However this time was different.

After my mother left my father he spent years searching and looking to find us. But only by the grace of God were we protected from his abusive hands. It was not the lack of effort on his part to find us from the stories I now hear, he persevered with his search with all that he had.

For the first time in our short lives, we children were able to breathe without fear of a beating, we actually had friends, we were actually allowed to go outside! Some of you may be thinking WOW this man was some piece of work. Yes, that he was. To the outside world he was "the man" successful business man, entered into politics, from the surface we had everything any child would want, from the beautiful home to the brand new cars. However his peers did not know the "real man" behind the scene. I now look back and find it ironic that he used the handle Mystery Man when using CB radio equipment.

My mother married at a very young age, had little education and due to the harm at his hands had very little confidence. However, when she left Tennessee she became a whole new person! She returned to school, went into nursing and raised the five of us on her own giving us more than we had ever had. I am not speaking of material items those were few and far between, I am speaking of the freedom of being a child. The unconditional love and support and most of all showing us the true agape love of God.

As a teen I was full of anger and bitterness, my mother had not been fully informed of all that I had went through, however during a severe argument one day everything came to a head. Next thing I know I am being forced to see a counselor. I MEAN FORCED. I did not want to discuss the issue's I didn't want to deal with all the emotions and hurt that came with healing. So when the choice was given for me to go to counseling or reform school I went to counseling. {At the time I didn't know that reform school was for kids who were always in trouble, I was not always in trouble just mouthy} but it was enough to scare me into seeing this "shrink".

As I arrived at my first appointment I snickered as I seen this little midget lady walking around the office, imagine my amazement when I learned SHE was my counselor! Sharon was a woman of God, she always spoke of God, attempted to pray with me but I had my own agenda. I found a loop hole, I HAD to go to her office every week {to avoid reform school} but Mom didn't say anything about having to talk to her! So, for the first few months of counseling I learned a whole new meaning to the word silence! At the same time my daily life consisted of school, friends, and hiding in my room listening to classic rock and roll. One day I finally got tired of the silence and asked this counselor what she expected of me. I was surprised when she said NOTHING. Thus leading me to open up and talk with her about the abuse, incest and the urgent desire to always protect my sisters.

As we continued to root into an everyday life in California my Mother found a church for us to go to. Now, I was a 13 year old rebel, I had been raised in a Southern Baptist church and had a foundation in the word. But this preacher my Mom found PREACHED HELL AND BRIMSTONE, this was totally out of line with all the "bless me" sermon's I had grown up with. But sheesh this firey Hispanic man actually preached about HELL, and from I got from his sermons was I was indeed headed there! So I decided I wasn't going to go to this church, Mom had different ideas. I pushed, she stood strong, I pushed harder she stood stronger. So one Sunday morning I decided I wasn't getting up to go here this hell preachin' church, Again imagine my surprise as this 5'2 inch 100 lb woman DEMANDED I get up. I wasn't ready to go I explained to her. Well, an hour later I found myself sitting in the car in the parking lot of the church in my PAJAMA'S. Mom meant business! This went on until I was about 15 years old.

Finally after the arguments, fights and rebellion, Mom let me off the hook, I was finally free! She said to me the words I will never forget, "Nanci I am not fighting with you anymore, you know what you're doing, I have placed you in the Lord's hands and I will not take you from His hands". Hey, at the time I didn't care what she did as long as I could sleep in on Sundays and not go to church.

During all this time the counseling was working, I realized that the abuse and incest was not my fault. I understood that there was nothing I could have done differently to avoid it. At 16 I was very confident to the point of conceit. Had high marks in school, I WAS the in-crowd at school. What I did everyone else followed. At 15 I had gotten into an exclusive relationship with a 19 year old man. He wasn't a no good, he came from a good family, had money etc etc, I thought I was "the bomb". I was outgoing so I had many invitations to go out with other guys, the guy I was dating didn't mind he said I was young and needed to experience life, ah the best of life.

Needless to say I dated a lot during high school. I was never a "sexual or sensual" type of person, so most of the guys I dated knew "not to go there". Oh I had friends that would do what it took to catch the "big fish". But I could never figure out why these guys continued to ask me out when they knew they were going to get no where. My best friend finally told me, They go out with you for the "popularity" I was confused! She then explained that it was a big deal among the "hotties" at our school to say they dated NANCI. I then realized it wasn't because of ME they wanted to go out with me but because they could brag that they had dated, the cheerleader and prom princess. From that point on I made a vow that I would NEVER allow a member of the male species get to close to me and they would NEVER control me.

We lived in one city and I went to school in another, after all the school I attended was the "best". The reputation of the school was excellent. Best football team, best this best that, all fitting into the "perfect" lil world I had created for myself. The summer I graduated I got to know a few of the kids in my own neighborhood and there was this one guy, although he didn't fit into my "group" and meet "my" criteria for dateable guys he was indeed different. See, I had learned early on that if I was going to be an arm charm for the guys then it went both ways. If ya drove a junker don't ask me out. If ya weren't career and college oriented don't waste my time was my attitude. Then here is this guy who had long shaggy hair, drove a motorcycle, smoked dope, drank and was known as the neighborhood hellion.

I was immediately attracted to this rebellion in him. He didn't care what anyone thought especially a "SNOB" like me. We got to know each other over the summer, he was a pretty cool guy! That fall I began my first year of college and he began his senior year of high school. {I had graduated 2 years early}.

We began to "hang out" thus my finding a new escape in alcohol and drugs, oh there was no forcing me. Actually he would tell me to stay away from the stuff that I had to much going for me, but in the end I won, we became party buddies. One thing led to another and thus we began dating and became serious. One night after drinking a lil we were in my back yard, He looked at me and said, "I love you". HA! I laughed in his face! Love was not part of my "plan" it was school, career, and making every male I could pay for my hurt and pain. This rocked on for a while, and I found myself addicted to cross tops, pink hearts and any other kind of pharmaceutical speed I could get my hands on. Hey, a full school load full time job a girl had to do what a girl had to do!

I watched my grades fall, I watched my appearance change from modest to seductive, so many changes in me. Well at this point Vern and I had been together for almost two years. After looking in the mirror one day I knew it was time to stop this roller-coaster after all I had an agenda and this wasn't cutting it!

In all hopes that it would end the relationship {I knew or thought I knew} that he wouldn't change. I told him I was done with the party life and their was no room for him in my life if he continued in it. Pretty good huh!

NOT, He said I agree with you and all this partying isn't worth loosing you. TALK about a turn about! I didn't expect this! Well we both cleaned up, were going to college working blah blah blah. When I became very ill. We had been clean for over a year but sheesh my stomach always hurt, I was always throwing up ugh! So I went to Dr. Dr. said I had a bad gallbladder, okay pull it out. I went through the surgery and was ready to go home when the Dr. came in with these "rocks" in a bag. He told me that if I didn't get off speed I was doomed, image my surprise when I heard this, I WAS CLEAN! However those few years of living that lifestyle had cause permanent damage to my stomach, During the surgery not only did they remove my gallbladder but had to replace some of my digestive system with "plastic" parts.

Well after recovering I went back to work and school but a few weeks later I fell ill again, thinking there had been an error in surgery or a possible obstruction back in the hospital I went. Hey I stayed there three days but they found the right diagnosis. I WAS PREGNANT! Oh great I thought there goes my career and my "plan". The doctors called in specialist unbeknown to me. I could not figure out WHY i had to continue to have these tests, well I soon found out when the head of OB/GYN came in and told me that I was pregnant when I had the surgery! X-rays had been taken, anesthesia not to mention other tests and drugs that had been done. So there was a very good chance that something could be wrong with my baby. Since the state law was that any woman of childbearing years must have a pregnancy test prior to surgery and one had not been done on me the hospital took special interest in my pregnancy and of course paid all expenses. But Vern and I had some things to think about, first this baby wasn't in my feminist plan! Second something could be wrong with it, and third we were married. As I spent time in the hospital for special tests etc. I really had a lot of time to think and re-think.

The primary tests came back that the baby appeared to be healthy. So Vern and I accepted that and made our wedding plans. We wanted to do this right ya know for the baby and all. {my opinion at the time}. Well the Pastor wouldn't marry us until he had counseled us. Okay fine I thought nine weeks of counseling compared to the years I spent in counseling was really no big deal. However about 4 sessions into our counseling Pastor Steve tells me he didn't feel right doing the wedding because Vern and I were unequally yoked. I remember looking at him thinking what an idiot! Here I sat pregnant, had been living with a man etc etc etc and He tells me I am saved and Vern isn't? Well he continued with the counseling still not making any promises on the ceremony. As the date drew near he called us into his office and we were expecting to hear "sorry no can do". However, what we heard was to our surprise, he said he had never married anyone who wasn't saved before, he said he had prayed and prayed and was going to perform the ceremony anyway because he had this "peace with God" thing. At the time this made no sense to me and to be honest I didn't care as long as he married us.

We were married in December of 1985 and in May 1986 we were blessed with a beautiful, chubby healthy blue eyed bald headed baby girl. I remember being in my room alone with her and thinking WOW God gave me this gift! My Mom came in to visit, she took my hand and with tears in her eyes told me that she prayed I never felt the pain of being a mother that she had. Talk about pack a punch! I was ready for the "know you will pay speech". Never got it! I received her blessing instead.

Candyce was a smart baby, however she was colicky and demanding. I had never been one to babysit so this was a whole new ball game for me. I went to my Mom and asked, Mom how did you do it with 5 kids, I am struggling with 1? {Mom had a set of twins too}. My mom looked at me and said in an as a matter of fact way, I didn't God did it, I was just the vessel He used. Big Wow I thought, that's really gonna help! But later that night as Candyce and I played {Vern worked nights} I looked at her and saw how she depended on me for everything, to feed her, change her, love her, and then it hit me! One day I would give account for teaching her not her abc's or songs but teaching her of God! That night the full impact of wife, mother and God hit me with a wallop! Suddenly all of those foundations I had learned in Sunday School came back to my memory. I could do nothing but look at Candyce and cry, she could have been born with problems, I could have been dead of drug use, I realized that thru all the screw ups in my life, God had the grace to trust me with one of His little ones! Then and there I rededicated my life to the Lord.

I had told Vern of the decision I had made to live my life in the ways of God when he came home that night and the following Sunday we went to a Four Square church some people had reccommended to us.

I was blessed by the fact that there were no objections from Vern to go and even further blessed that he would go along with me. We stayed there for about six months. Now, don't get me wrong I am a Spirit filled believer. But I didn't grow or learn very much while we attended this church. There was more focus on manifesting gifts of the Spirit than there was on the Word of God. When we moved out of the area, the trip was too long to take so we began to pray about a new body to become part of.

After much prayer we began attending Calvary Chapel of West Covina, the very same church that I REFUSED to go to as a teenager. Through the teaching of the Pastor and the small group studies for Women a hunger began to grow inside of me. A hunger to this day that will never be satisfied, that hunger was for the Word of God.

Well, here we are 14 years later living a rural East Tennessee town, where God has brought us to minister His word to others. My devout "pew potato" husband was called into Ministry, and not without a fight I might add. If I told you he excepted his calling with joy and grace, I would be lying, this man was a 21st century Jonah. However we all know that in the end God gets His way! Being here and in the positions we are in has been a rocky road to say the least. But I wouldn't change anything about it, thru each step God has provided His guidance, wisdom, grace and love to us in abundance.

My friends reading this, what God has done in my life is know different than what He desires to do in yours. He wants to heal the hurts of abuse, He wants to give you eternal life, He desires the best for all of His children, He wants so much to use you in the continuance of His Kingdom. However that choice belongs to us, Do we choose Him or do we choose the world, Do we allow Him to heal our hurts, or wallow in self pity. Being quiet bold here will we choose death or life everlasting? The choice is up to you. That my friend is the beauty of serving a loving God. He is not intrusive, evasive or pushy. He let's you make the choice. What will you choose?