Warning, if you are an audiophile who is easily offended, or has no sense of humor, please don't read this!
If you are someone who knows music and electronics, you will crack up as you read some of the hilarious drivel that follows!
Audio lovers seem to have more talent for appreciating music than they do for choosing words!
Their descriptions of the electronic sound-idols they worship, are nothing short of hilarious! You will see them talk in terms of women, traffic, food - ANYTHING to try to eappear sophisticated and knowledgable and thus avoid using commonly understood linguistic terms!
Is audiophilia a disease or a religion? How else is it that these bozos believe that they actually hear the things that they say they do?
These folks are the victims of the over-priced "HIGH-END" audio manufacturers and vendors, and they are indeed their legitimate prey!
Here are some examples of the utter bullshit written by over-enthused audiophiles and reviewers - you know, the guys who buy the solid gold 4-gauge speaker wires, because they claim that it sounds better that way?
These suckers earnestly believe that expensive cables, resonators etc., will improve the sound of their stereo system.
Anyone would think you were riding a roller coaster, eating ice cream and having intercourse with your hi-fi instead of listening to it if you go by some of these descriptions. However, for what these guys PAY for the privilege, they ought to get to do all three in addition to enjoying some music!
"Pulling harmonics together from a jumbled auditory stream to form a coherent harmonic envelope."
"Image outlines were sharply focused in space with believable palpability."
"There was plenty of bass detail to behold."
"The music flows with gusto and verve. It squeezes instrumental images into incredibly palpable outlines."
"...more muscle and definition, and a heart that is pure gold."
"Most preamps when pushed hard change their sonic signature."
"Harmonic colors were somewhat on the dark side."
"By using the $450 gold plated RCA stereo jumper cables for all line-level connections, and the newly available $1200 gold plated XYZ speaker wires, we were able to achieve a distinct improvement in highs and the deepest rich bass lows I have ever heard. A massive improvement over ordinary old copper."
"These cables deliver big time! The sound is surprsingly smooth and spacious, with particularly sweet upper octaves."
"If you connect a ground to the chassis of your power amplifer and use 4 gauge wire connected to a bucket of salt water with a copper coil in it, your mids and highs will be the sweetest you have ever heard. Works with car audio systems too. Place the bucket in the trunk and reduce speed on corners and when braking, to avoid spillage."
"Special wooden resonator disks made in Asia from a special tree, only found in one area. Placing these under EACH of your components, at strategic locations will remove 'unwanted resonances', and DRAMATIC improval tonal quality. The difference is astounding. These disks of wood sell for around $100 to $400 EACH (depending on size)."
"somewhat fuzzy portrayal of image outlines."
"Harmonic textures ebbed and flowed with startling dynamic nuances and the sort of liquidity and purity one only comes to associate with world-class audio products."
"Harmonic textures are painted slightly gray in color."
"Spatial detail was painted with a fine brush that readily resolved massed voices and the air around individual instruments."
"Image outlines, however, are more precisely focused within the soundstage and in general the Accordance is capable of sketching out a convincing 3-D acoustic impression."
"It felt like I had crawled into a warm and inviting sonic womb."
"Not content with straight S.E.X. (the single-ended experimenter's kit), the Doctor introduces the "69" tapered pipe loudspeaker. Sounds like a recipe for a mind-blowing sonic orgasm."
"The impression of speed and control was strong."
"Bass lines were fleshed out with excellent definition."
"It is less lush sounding than..."
"...force feeding the listener an earful of detail; more accurately, a barrage of in-your-face zingers that becomes almost an instant irritant."
"Each tube brand seems to have a unique flavor of its own."
"Certain busy passages of music get congested."
"... sounds either euphonic or bright."
"The Equilibre ($8,475) - nominally a 60-watt stereo amp."
"It could well explain the sweet sounds that come from using passive preamps straight into the power amplifiers."
"...with an easy-to-drive impedance magnitude."
"Rendition of harmonic colors was suave and smooth, with a believable sugar coating."
"Exposure of low-level detail, even in complex passages, without leaving anything to the imagination."
"The mids are vivid in spades with wave after wave of honey-coated harmonic bliss."
"The midbass region is "fun"
"the upper mids are a bit more laid back than I would like."
"the low bottom end is not there..."
What others have written on this subject:
Paul Litwinovich
I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to
audio? - P.L. N1MUC
Matt Stutterheim
In a message dated 15/11/99, Paul writes:
[[ I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to
audio? ]]
I suspect they're into AURAL SEX.
Christian Fandt:
[[ I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to
audio? ]]
Audiophiles molest _Common Sense_ ! Sometimes enough to seem to be destined
for Death Row :-)
Chris
Michael Crestohl
We don't call them "audiophools" for nothing!!!!!
Michael, W1RC
Rick kf4ar
Here's another one for your audiophile page. This was sent to me by a ham
friend on a local audiophile list. This is a real post not a joke.
This fellow has way too much time on his hands.
Enjoy. The Audio Asylum is aptly named.
Forwarded message
From todays collection of rantings on the Audio Asylum board:
Posted by Mart on November 15, 1999
I just got through spray painting my dual BlackLight discs with flat
colors. I did one side in classic forest green & the other in black. My
impressions were very much like my brothers but with contradictory results.
I liked black since it lowered the noise floor & increased channel
separation even more which only further enhanced dynamics & detail
simultaneously.
He liked green because it's effect is very soothingly smooth. imagry transitions from channel to channel seemlessly, without huge sacrifices (eg: noise-floor raises about +10dB to around -110dB). It simply paints better between speakers.
Fred E. Holnagel
Being a musician of sorts, I have a pretty good ear. I can't personally
tell the difference between 6L6's at $15 each and W.E. 310B's at $400 to
$700 each. Is there that much difference?
Richard E. Robinson
Wayne Galvin writes;
[[Now wait a minute guys. This has gone far enough. Audiophiles fueled and
are responsible for the vast improvements in the quality of home audio.]]
Well said! Audiophiles have even discovered an answer to the age old
question of how do you make electrons flow in one direction.
Are you as curious as I am? Let's check out this site from Great Britain,
hotbed of audiophile activity and see how it's done.
http://www.netcentral.co.uk/satcure/audio/scam.htm
The "Unidirectional Filter" is near the bottom of the page. Save your
tuppence boys and girls.
Roger A. McCarty:
"The New! 12AX7 STRAD Valve"
For the discriminating classical music audiophile who
demands the best in reproduction accuracy as it pertains to
stringed instruments. A New valve conceived and developed by
the descendants of Antonius Stradivarius, the grids are hand
wound by Antonius Stradivarius IV using metalized fibers
removed from and with origins intended for, Violins which
are of course, World Renowned. Classical music and
particularly those with predominant stringed passages will
frighten you with unbelievable accuracy.
Lincoln:
I thought this one was beautiful. This quote had a subtle nuance that was
palpable and sonically delectable!!
[[Before you buy. Harmonic Technology makes some very good sounding
digital cables. I'm presently using a Cyber-Link Platinum w/RCAs and
compared to the other 6 or 7 digital cables I've put in my system
it sounds the best.]]
Fred Whitlock:
Telefunken 12AX7 and 12AU7 have always proven to roll of the
highs in my equipment.
I'm not trying to start a flame war, but I thought I'd relate an interesting thing that recently occured.
My system (VR-4's, Andromeda III, SFL-1, Rotel 965) was in storage for 2 months, and when I finally unpacked it the other day, I realized my "high end" cables were in another storage unit. I have Audioquest interconnects and speaker cables, which I paid a decent sum of money for, but I was so anxious to get what I call the "Big Guns" (my speakers) fired up, that I ran up to Radio Shack and bought:
1. Their 12 gauge speaker wire
2. Their gold plated spade lugs
3. Their premium interconnects
I rushed home and hooked everything up, and the sound was marvelous. Previously I had a buzzing sound in the system that I could not remove (I never thought of the interconnects), and a hiss that was quite noticeable. All of these things were gone!
I guess my question is, did I unknowingly "upgrade" my "high end" cables with Radio Shack "higher end" cables????????
When I changed from freebie interconnects to Radio Shack ones with gold plates, the hum decreased in volume. Still noticeable, but I could hear the difference and see the difference on my Gemini mixer.
... borrow at least 2 speaker cables of the same length. Audition (them) yourself, you'll see. I find tremendous differences between cables. I think both MIT and Audioquest cables are based on sound principles. Comparing one of each brand is eye opening. If you don't believe cables make a difference, I dare you. Same with interconnects. These two brands are yin and yang.
...Black Orpheus speaker cables. Sounds fantastic to me.
Audioquest F14 flat four conductor is less than a buck a foot. However the type 4 is a big improvement. I also like silver conductor cables best. Some of them stink, but some are magic.
The difference between cables can be amazing. In my bedroom I assembled a Pioneer stereo system with a 25 disc CD changer. I considered this a low budget system so I originally had standard lamp cord for speaker wire. Recently I got a pair of Acoustic Research 226PS bookshelf speakers and tried hooking them up with the lamp cord. The sound was dull and flat, better than the old speakers but it let the *** FLAWS IN THE WIRE (!) *** be heard.
I upgraded to Monster XP which helped quite a bit, made the sound fuller but still was not all I was looking for. I tried some Esoteric Audio speaker cable which was better still, brought out cleaner treble. I then tried Standard Monster which seemed to have the best BALANCE for the system and the room, full deep bass even at quiet volumes (making classical music sound like a real performance rather than a shrill recording), and clean high treble. I think it would be best to audition several cables and see what sounds best for your system.
I can't seem to kick my addiction to WW II 1625s, especially running in triode mode. Do you think these tubes sound better because the air was cleaner in the old days? Since Tung-Sols seem to sound the best, it might be that sucking out air from New Jersey is the true secret. Also, it's kind of difficult to find a new 1625 to compare recent production with the older classics.
Pete Reese
Stereophile has a snippet in the rag that talks about yet another "enhancement" to playback systems. This one is a device that is supposed to compensate for "dopler distortion inherent in microphones"
Now, the doppler effect is the shift in frequency perceived when the object under observation and the observer are in motion to each other. So, if you drive fast enough, red lights will apear to be green.
Now, can anyone please illuminate my poor mind and explain to me how a microphone develops "dopler" distortion?
Thank you,
Nigel Tufnel
Famous quotes: "There is a special digital cable which imparts an 'analogue-like warmth' to digital signals". [ [The best that I've come across was some idiots who tried to market a [ MIDI interface with valves. They claimed that the sound got the right [ warmth and laidback attitude. The unit costed $2000, and I figure that [ they probably sold a few to some musicians that didn't know better. [ [ Cheers, [ Mats Wiklander
I wonder if anyone has ever developed water filled cables for that "liquid audio" sound? :) Or how about liquid nitrogen cooled cables? Wait...that might actually do something interesting. :)
Chris G.
Take a look at:
http://www.netcentral.co.uk/satcure/audio/scam.htm
Take a change of underpants with you ;o)
Martin
I like this one. A diode would have to affect the sound right?
heheheheh
Unidirectional filter forces electrons to travel one way! Simply fit one
UNIQUE filter in each speaker wire (two per speaker) and hear the
difference. Gold plated and mercury-free screw connections.
Order FIL0072 at £27.75 per pair
I wonder if you could advise me what brand of 12AX7s I should use for my preamp. I'm looking for some more liquid mids and satin highs,while maintaining that smooth bass and focused soundstage. TIA.
Sander deWaal
cx@wxs.nl
In article <38089328.14286987@news.wxs.nl>, cx@wxs.nl
I recommend SatCure brand. These have an internal getter which makes them internally oxygen-free. Essential for smooth operation of all valves. Oh.. uh, unfortunately they have no pins. Pins allow oxygen molecules to gain access so we eliminated that problem. But they *look* nice! ;o)
http://www.netcentral.co.uk/satcure/audio
An audiophile friend of mine, who is quite sane and reasonable until it comes to audio equipment, told me that his new speaker wires are uni-directional. That is, one specially-marked end must be connected only to the amplifier, and not to the speaker. I tried not to smile, but I suggested that we reverse the wire and see if we could hear any difference in the performance of his system. "Oh no!" he protested," if we reverse the wire, it will damage my amplifier. The salesman warned me about that."
I dunno... plain, old 16-gauge zip cord works fine for me. Costs about 15 cents a foot, and comes in choice of brown or white too. Hmmmmm, I wonder if white zip cord has better transient response than the brown variety :-)
Carl Ratner
artdeco@supernet.com
NO, NO, NO, you got it all wrong. My audiophile friend told me the truth. It's not that the wires are premarked for direction, it's that they take a set after being used for a week or so, and if you then turn them end for end, you can hear the difference.
Of course, if you put in A-B switches for rapid changes for comparisions, the tests are not valid because of the extra whatevers caused by the switches :)
John Kolb
jlkolb@cts.com
I get a big kick out of the descriptions of the different sounds supposed to be had from different brand tubes....as if there was a big difference between one brand 12ax7 and another.....I would guess there would be more differences between tubes of one manufacturer from day to day, then between different manufacturers. Solid silver wire in the transformer windings....
I think its all quite silly.
Perhaps we have people who can tell by the sound what brand tube you use....maybe what year, or which side of the factory it was made on....
Brett, New Jersey, USA
Brett.Gazdzinski@wcom.com
You could turn this into a really neat site.
Did you catch the 30 tube $4k amp using 12ax7's at:
http://www.blackdahlia.com/do_tip.htm#13
This guy is way out there...
Also, check out:
http://riceboypage.com/
for an example of making fun of something as a profitable portal.
BOB DUCKWORTH
bob@atl.org
See also: GORDIE'S RANT about Audiophiles at:
http://www.communities.com/people/gordie/Audiophile.html
Totally hilarious!
Also, check out the many types of strange Audiophiles
and their caricatures you will find at:
http://www.thestar.com.my/audio/0297/06awwong.html
Again... Totally hilarious!
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