Christian Humor

There was an elderly fellow who went to this particular church that fell asleep every Sunday morning about five minutes after the preacher started to preach. The preacher had tried preaching loud. He even preached on hell fire and brimstone, and nothing seemed to keep the old fellow awake. So, one Sunday morning, he made up his mind to really wake him up. The preacher started to preach- in about five minutes the old man started to snore. The preacher, in a normal voice said, "everybody wanting to go to heaven stand up. Everyone in the church stood except for the old fellow. The preacher asked everybody to be seated. After everyone had been seated, the preacher took his foot and stomped the floor as hard as he could and said, "everybody wanting to go to hell stand up",. The old man stood immediately at attention. He looked at the preacher, and turned completely around, and looked back at the preacher and said, " preacher, I don't know what we are voting on, but I believe you and I or the only ones for it.
Submitted by Howard H. Candler

A man went to church for the first time in 30 years. While he was there he asked the pastor if there was golf in heaven and the pastor said that he would pray about it and let him know next week. A week later the man returned and reminded the pastor of their conversation a week before. The pastor said, "I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that there are golf courses in heaven; perfectly straight fairways beatiful greens and holes in one with every drive." "What's the bad news" the man asked, the pastor replied, "You tee off tomorrow."
Submitted by Mrs. Christine Conlon

Pilate said to Joseph of Arimathaea, "Why do you want to give up your new tomb for this criminal called Jesus?" Joseph replied, "It's only for the weekend."

Who did the most evil deed in all the bible? Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once.

The father told his son that he would buy him a new car if he cut his hair, got all A's on his report card and read the bible. Finally the son brought a report card home with all A's and stated that he had read the bible all the way through. "What about the hair cut?" asked the father. The son replied, "Jesus and the Apostles wore their hair long." The father replied, "Then you also know that they walked everywhere."

A man was asked to leave the Sunday service because he was dirty and his clothes were unfit for worship. They were tattered and torn. The man sat down outside on the church steps and began to cry. He felt a tap on his shoulder and looked up and saw Jesus standing there. "Why are you crying my child?" asked Jesus. "Because they wouldn't let me in for church." replied the man. Jesus said, "I know how you feel, for years now I too have been trying to get in."

The flood was coming and word was sent to evacuate. One farmer sat on his porch and told the rescue team. "I'm waiting for God, He'll save me." Soon the water rose and the farmer was forced to the second story of his house. The rescue boat came but he told them. "I'm waiting for God He'll save me." Soon the farmer was forced to the top of his roof. The rescue helecopter came but he told them. "I'm waiting for God, He'll save me." The water rose and the farmer drowned. On his arrival in heaven he asked God, "Why didn't you save me? I waited for you but you never came." God replied. "I came three times."

While burglarizing someone's house, a thief hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you". Suprised, the thief shines his flashlight frantically in search of the source of the voice. Finally, his light falls on a parrot and the parrot repeats, "Jesus is watching you". He asks, "What is your name?" and the parrot replies, "Moses". "What kind of family would name a parrot Moses?" he asks. The parrot replies, "The same kind that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

The children in Sunday school class were asked to draw a picture of a Bible scene. One picture was a plane flying in the sky with a man, a woman holding a baby, and another man flying the plane. The teacher asked, "What does this have to do with the Bible?" The student replied, "That's Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus on their flight to Egypt, and that's Pontius the Pilate."

Where is baseball mentioned in the bible?
In the (big inning) begining.

What kind of car is mentioned in the bible?
A Honda, the Apostles all came in one accord.

What US state is mentioned in the bible?
Arkansas, Noah opened the window and looked out of the ark and saw...

Do you have some Christian humor? We want to see it, send it in!

cfctony@gte.net

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