Why Adoptees Are Afraid to Search
by Tina M. Musso

In a society where genealogy is one of the largest growing hobbies, it is surprising how angry and defensive people become when search is brought up in regards to adoption. Adoptees have no past. For example, when a person marries, then she suddenly has a "new" family. Eventually she will come to love and hate those she has met to some degree. However, those she has not met will have no emotional meaning for her. Grandma Jones is a wonderful person. Great-grandfather Amos, on the other hand, is just a picture on the wall. Many adoptees feel the same way. They have no connection to their adoptive parents' ancestors. Searching for a past can heal a lot of psychological wounds. The biggest thing holding most adoptees back from searching for their pasts is FEAR: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, and fear of hurting those they love.
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
Fear of the unknown is a basic human emotion. In order to change and grow, a person must overcome the fear of the unknown, which is usually not possible until the pain of the current situation is so great it overcomes the other fears. For example, a woman might stay in a relationship where she is abused on a regular basis because the battery is familiar and living on her own is scary and strange. She may have been abused as a child. She may never have lived on her own, without a parent, a boyfriend or a spouse to "take care of her". Leaving the bad situation becomes difficult because going it alone is totally unknown. The results of change, by their very nature, are unknown and, therefore, daunting.
Searching is the ultimate in facing the unknown. No one knows what a search will bring, whether a happy reunion, an angry rejection, or a sad obituary. For those considering searching, it is not surprising the amount of fear that is involved. Just getting started can be overwhelming. After a simple inquiry, a neophyte searcher usually finds out that the system is closed tightly. The state where the adoption took place is "closed". Unless there is a good, usually medical, reason (according to some faceless judge), the information about the searcher's past is locked up in a vault somewhere, likely forever unattainable. We fear the government and feel that opposing the system is futile. When adding a fear of bureaucracy to the fear of the unknown, searchers can become daunted and overwhelmed at the powers arrayed against them.
FEAR OF REJECTION
Another common fear is that, once found, the adoptee will be rejected. Deep down in the primitive portion of the adoptee's psyche can be the subconscious belief that the adopted child has already been rejected once. The "rejection" due to adoption is a primitive feeling, not a conscious thought, per se. The subconscious child-self is fighting on two fronts, the fear of being hurt again versus the need to "relive" painful childhood experiences to resolve them.
We all learn, early on, that touching a hot stove or iron is painful. Usually, we only have to do this once, and we are careful not to do "THAT" again. Rejection is painful under any circumstances, but for an adult adoptee, just the thought of being rejected a second time creates a large amount of fear. Fortunately, most reunions turn out, if not fantastic, at least ho-hum. This may not sound very encouraging, but being able to speak to the birth parent, even once, can heal more of the adoption wound than any psychotherapy available.
If this were the only factor in play, however, adoptees would probably never search. However, it is this second aspect, the need to relive painful experiences in the hope and belief (subconsciously) that things will turn out differently. If we look at the life of the woman who is in an abusive relationship, one would likely see a pattern of abuse perpetrated by those she "loves" going back to her childhood. There is a regressive belief that "this time" the results will be different and she will get the love and respect she needs, rather than the bruises and pain.
This need to find out the past and why the "rejection" occurred is very strong. Fortunately for the adoptee, one can prepare on a conscious level for the best and worst case scenarios, making the outcome more healing to the mind, no matter what the final result. In order to handle a search on an emotional level, a searcher needs to have a support network: primarily family members. She should also find other searchers who have already been there and who have an actual understanding of the emotions and feelings the adoptee is going through. An adoption search can be a major roller coaster of excitement and depression. Without a support system in place, a searcher is setting herself up for unnecessary vulnerability, whether the journey ends with a reunion or not.
FEAR OF HURTING LOVED ONES
Setting up that support system can be one of the scariest hurdles of all. Telling the adoptive family about the search is very difficult for any adoptee. The amount of guilt and concern for the feelings of their loved ones that adoptees go through before or during a search about whether to tell their parents is phenomenal. If a child is raised with love and respect, then one of his biggest concerns will be to avoid harming his parents. Being raised with the knowledge of being adopted does not prepare the adoptee nor the adoptive parents for a search. These are the people who stayed up all night when the adoptee had a fever of 102, who were there when the adoptee was stood up for the 7th grade dance, who helped the adoptee become who she is today. They are mom and dad.
Many people believe that the adoptee "owes" her parents and should not search. This myth invalidates the adoptee's feelings. An adoptee owes his parents the same as he would have "owed" his biological parents if they had raised him. Denying an adoptee the chance to fill a need to search is uncaring and painful, causing more psychological damage then being quietly uninvolved. Adoptees' feelings towards the adoption are often invalidated and/or ridiculed from an early age, to the point that many adoptees do not discuss their unusual status. With nearly three percent of the population adopted, a large portion of the population (at least fifteen percent) are touched by adoption.
As an adult, the adoptee has a chance to affirm her feelings and needs towards search. When the parents are supportive, they treat the adoptee as an adult and not as a wayward child who is indebted to them. This is a great psychological boon, which adds outside validity to the adoptees feelings.
OVERCOMING THE FEAR
No one can overcome the fears that an adoptee faces except herself. However, there are some things that can be done to make it easier to accomplish. First, decide that searching is a necessity for your peace of mind. No amount of alcohol, drugs or sex can ever fill the void that was left from the total separation from your past. Second, join an adoption support group, either on the Internet or locally. Speak to people who have been where you are going. Third, if the adoptee is on good terms with the adoptive parents, tell them you are going to search. (See A Letter to My Adoptive Parents.) These people were there for you from the beginning. Hopefully, they will support you during the search. However, if they are against it and try to make you uncomfortable, consider finding additional support somewhere else. If the adoptive parents are not supportive, you, as the adult, do not have to accept the guilt. It is their loss for not accepting your needs as valid.
Fear is natural and necessary for survival, but not knowing that other part of your "self" can be worse. Unless the pain of the current situation is greater than the fear of the unknown, most people will stay in the current situation. Knowing that you could be rejected by the birth family is difficult. But not knowing if they are dead or if they think about you can be worse.
The hardest part is overcoming the parent-child dilemma. For fear of hurting the parents, the adoptee may wait until everyone is dead but the adoptee. Not knowing is a very difficult psychological hurdle for people to overcome. However, the emotional effects of not knowing where you came from have been affecting you all your life, at some level. Give those who love you an opportunity to do the right thing by being there for you now. Isn't it time to let the fear go and to let the healing begin?
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Tina M. Musso © March 1998