THE NEW BILL OF RIGHTS (SATIRE)
Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of
Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we
read those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is
vastly different now. And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few
million to a few hundred million. The nation's desire to band together
was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of
justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer
Stereo. We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights
should reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it's time to bring
the wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.
AMENDMENT I
Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if
it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless
such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible
speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right
of the people to peaceably assemble where and when permitted; or shall
abridge the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances,
under proper procedures. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!"
in a theater occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall
belong to a class declared Protected by one or more divisions of Federal,
State or Local government, in which case the number of persons shall be
one or more.
AMENDMENT II
A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of
the President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain
a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to
keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and
the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)
AMENDMENT III
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without
the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used,
or believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.
AMENDMENT IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers,
and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended
except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject
to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such
places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated
without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary
to law.
AMENDMENT V
Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion
whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts,
by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be compelled
to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or
any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial.
Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive
property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by
injured parties.
AMENDMENT VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid
prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure
to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges.
Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed.
It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service
on a jury.
AMENDMENT VII
In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life
may interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.
AMENDMENT VIII
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain
in custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded
protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent
upon incarceration facilities available.
AMENDMENT IX
The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall be construed
to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by
the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights
shall themselves become enacted by Amendment.
AMENDMENT X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall
be deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein
through the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local
Governments as determined by the public interest. The public interest shall
be determined by the Civil Service.
The Pen is mightier than the Sword.
The Court is mightier than the Pen.
The Sword is mightier than the Court.
- Rey Barry -