The reason I have been quiet is because Jonah has been doing a little undercover work. As most people will know I often frequent the Heineken Bar, usually to meet up with my friends for a chat. However, there are a number of guys and a few women who go in there to harrass and use the anonimity of the bar to gain some sexual satisfaction.

In consultation with friends we decided to investigate the Human Psyche through the webs seedier personal ads and dating sites of the UK, check this out by way of example, this guy is a shocker and no doubt he has turned being single into a profession. . I apologise in advance if anyone is offended but, the sort of pages we targetted were not likely to gain many responses from your local Methodist Preacher.

Disclaimer: This approach is by way of warning rather than representation of the market as a whole.There are many people out there genuinely trying to match similar people together and I respect the work they do.

The first target group to respond as expected were single males.

I will explain as I go along,

What the men say : Men seem to describe themselves as "Grant Mitchell" or "Grunt Mitchell" lookalikes...Grant Mitchell is a fictional soap character who runs a bar and is a bit of a dodgy geezer..that is he is a loveable rogue who happens to be built like a brick wall and very handy at close quarters. He always seems to be attractive to women......

What the men actually mean: I failed to mention Grant Mitchell is bald. Given his other attributes you may conveniently forget that this is the only single thing we have in common.

How to be Grant:

1.Shave your head.

2.Work out at the gym for that bulging biceps look.

3.If you're bare-chested, buy a wig (the hairs must be seen around the neckline of your torso-hugging T-shirt.

4.Adopt a gorilla-like posture, stooping forward and ensuring that your knuckles drag along the ground.

5.Frown a lot and stare at everyone you see.

6.Add the phrases "sorted", "shut it", "sweet as" and "alwight bruv" to your vocabulary, in fact don't bother to say much else.

7.As you walk along, glance from side to side looking dodgy and sinister. Trust no-one.

8.If you don't like someone, beat them up.

9.If they're okay, beat them up anyway.

10.Yell at your girlfriend/wife and treat her like shit until she leaves you. Then simply find another bird and do it all over again.

What the men say: I am a company director, I will pay for the finest hotel rooms, you can have champagne till it comes out of your ears and we can make love till dawn.....

What the men actually mean: I am a company director, I will pay for the finest hotel rooms, you can have champagne till it comes out of your ears.... however you must totally ignore the fact that I am a fat, self centred, oafish 50 something who if I am lucky may be able to ply you with enough drink to make you think you had a good time....you must realise that you are a commodity that I can buy. I also failed to mention I am married and have a daughter the same age as you.

What the men say: I am a company director, I will pay for the finest hotel rooms, you can have champagne till it comes out of your ears and we can make love till dawn.....

What the men actually mean: I work as an accounts clerk, I am a train spotter and live with my mum....I take a packed lunch and get the bus to work.

What the men say: I have a 12" love muscle and know how to use it.....

What the men actually mean: I have a big imagination and a small dick, my sexual techique has been finely honed by close observance of my expanding collection of scandinavian porn videos....I hope that you are you going to be a submissive sexual gymnast I always dreamed about????

What the men say: I am not the 12" wham bam type of male...I am a caring sensitive type......

What the men actually mean: Look I know it's small, and yes I feel inadequate about it......but I am sensitive......lighten up guys, we cannot all be trojans.

What the men say: I have a thing for older, experienced women

What the men actually mean: Any woman of my age wouldn't touch me with a barge pole, and lets be honest they arent exactly queueing up for you either are they? So how about it????

What the men say: Well built !

What the men actually mean: Fat!

What the men say: Muscular

What the men actually mean: Fat!

What the men say: I love oral sex

What the men actually mean: I talk about nothing else...

What the men say: Wife approves

What the men actually mean: If she finds out she will kill me....