Still Waiting

Sunday
June 29, 1997
St Kilda East.

We haven't head anything about the job. The last couple of days of work this week were excruciating, and I'm afraid that I didn't deal too well with them. I was feeling intense pressure, not only because nothing had been said, but this woman (my boss) had read my CV, and not only could she pass judgement on that, but it felt as though she sat there all week taking a survey of my performance. Unbearable. I kinda got a little screwy on Friday, and found it quite difficult to interact with my coworkers. I hope the storm breaks on Monday.

I am still planning the "overhaul" of this site. I have some new things planned, a long overdue update to my archive page, and the intention to write more frequently. I know that when I update regularly, it's a good way of venting frustration in a virtual arena, rather than say at work or at home. This is a feeling not uncommon to journalers, I'm sure.

Worked graveyard this weekend. I have wished long and hard for it to be the last one. If I get the job, then I can kiss those crummy all-nighters good bye. The past couple of times have been quite scary. For instance instead of getting crank calls on the advertised 1 800 numbers, I got three calls on our company telephone number. That is when I really start to worry that something may happen. I mean you'll always get crazies calling in on freecall numbers, because who can resist a free opportunity to make a crank call? There have also been strange comings and goings in a building that is meant to be empty except for myself. Really, I'm just not impressed with the level of security provided by my employer.

I want to go and see "Chasing Amy" tonight, but I'm feeling very land locked at the moment. Happier to stay within the walls of the house, the cooccoon of comfort. I hate these times when I'm paralised by waiting, fear, and lonliness.

I received an email from a work collegue, which said among other things, that she was sorry for me if I was willing to alienate "people who actually like, and care about you..." just because of a job. Mind you she has also applied for the job too. I have mixed emotions about the email. It went a lot further than the above statement, and I didn't reply to it, because I wanted to desperately to cut her down, and just be as nasty as I can be, but I didn't, because all that would achieve is to give her an avenue to say..."Well I tried". So I left it. The use of the word actually really grated on my nerves. It has such negative connotations.

All of the above just because I had difficulty handling the pressure of uncertainty. Also our work styles differ, I just sit down and do the work that needs doing. I start with one task, and plough through until all that needs to be done is done. Frequently this means that most of what I do goes unnoticed, until such a time that someone realises that all the things that were pending have suddenly been done, and someone says, "Oh Karyn did it." In any case what I really wanted to say to her was, that just because I don't make a big song and dance about things, cavorting about the office like a two bit circus clown, it doesn't mean I'm alienating people.

What a disaster.

For my Listening Pleasure
Grace
Jeff Buckley

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