Cooking with Cannibals

Wumatuman:Welcome to Cooking with Cannibals, the new cooking show here on PBS. I am your host, Chief Wumatuman. Today, I'll show you how to cook your family into a twelve course meal, fit for a king, or a chief.

(Throws back his head and laughs, then suddenly stops.)

Wumatuman:Now for the recipe. To make this particular dish, you will need one mother, one father, three siblings, and one or two uncles. Now, if you don't have one or more of these, don't panic. You can easy substitute lesser relatives, such as cousins, aunts, or, if worst comes to worst, a bony old grandmother or grandfather.

(Wumatuman begins to walk towards oven)

Wumatuman:First you want to put your largest relative into the oven. In my experience, this will probably be your uncle.

(Wumatuman opens the oven, showing his uncle sitting in there with an apple stuck in his mouth. Then he shuts the door.)

Wumatuman:Now remember to check on him from time to time. The last thing you want is a burnt uncle ruining your carefully planned dinner party.

(Wumatuman walks large over to a pot he had sitting on the stove.)

Wumatuman:Before the show, I began to boil my other uncle.

(Takes lid off of pot. Uncle pops up.)

Uncle:Hello.

(Wumatuman pushes down Uncle's head, and puts lid back on.)

Wumatuman:Leave him to boil there. I'm boiling him in three gallons water, two tbsp. bay seasoning, and fresh, chopped chives, celery, garlic, and some rum for that extra kick. If he goes, at least let him go drunk. That's my motto.

(Wumatuman walks over to the knife block, and removes a cleaver.)

Wumatuman:This next part is not for the faint at heart. If you really loved your parents, you would not want to dismember them, which is what we are about to do. Mom! Would you mind coming out here a second?

(Cross dresser comes out.)

Mother:Yes honey?

Wumatuman:I dropped a fork, would you mind picking it up for me?

Mother:Of course honey.

(Mother bends over out-of-sight behind the counter. Wumatuman picks up the cleaver and makes exaggerated chopping motion. Picks up fake leg and puts it on the counter.)

Wumatuman:Thanks ma.

Mother:Your welcome son.

(Mother gets up, and hops away with one leg.)

Wumatuman:Now, you have a choice here. You can chose to roast the leg, barbecue it, or, my personal favorite, you can shake and bake it.

(Wumatuman holds up a box of shake and bake smiling at audience. Then rips off the top, and pours it into a garbage bag. Puts leg in. Begins to shake it.)

Wumatuman:After it is properly covered, you want to put it aside until your uncle is done, and then put it in at 350* for about twenty minutes.

(Puts down bag.)

Wumatuman:Now most people dread those unwanted relatives coming, but with the right herbs and spices, and the proper garnishing, they can change from a party crasher to a party centerpiece. First you want to lead them away from the main group, preferable to the kitchen, then kill them, and baste them with a light garlic and basil sauce. When through with that, put them in the oven on broil. After they are finished cooking, you can use parsley, radish roses, or even those little ham spikes to make them appealing to the eye.

Wumatuman:Well, it seems that's all the time I have. Now, next time on "Cooking with Cannibals", I'll finish this recipe, and teach you how to turn you favorite neighbor into delicious little marange puffs. And, as always, experiment. Don't want to boil your uncle? Try one of your siblings. Don't feel like slaughtering your parents? Try some relative you don't like, or the family pet. Cat or dog, with the correct spices, is delicious. Well, I'm out of time. Goodbye.