ER

(Men sitting in waiting room in pain. Two doctors come out stage right.)

Doctor #1:Well, busy day in the ER.

Doctor #2:Yah, I haven't gotten off my feet all day.

Doctor #1:I'm going to check the waiting room and see who's left.

(Doc #1 walks over to waiting room. Doc #2 walks passed the waiting room, and exits stage left.)

Doc #1:So, who's in the most pain?

(All the men fall off their chairs and begin to crawl towards the doctor. Woman enters stage left.)

Paper cut woman:Is there a doctor here?

Doc #1:I'm a doctor, what seems to be the matter?

Paper cut woman:I was working, and I got this paper cut.

Doc #1:Let me see that.

(Holds up woman's hand to his face.)

Doc #1:Ohh ya, that is one nasty paper cut. You better go right in. We wouldn't want that to get infected.

(Begins to walk woman to other side of stage. Bloody man enters stage left, carrying a bloody leg.)

Bloody Man:Help me, I lost my arm in a tractor accident!

Doc #1:But that's your leg.

Bloody Man:No it's not! It's my arm!

Doc #1:Well, is it bleeding?

(Man looks down at bloody stump.)

Bloody Man:Alittle

Doc #1:Then put a bandage on it. Please.

(Doc #1 pushes bloody man down. "My wife" man enters stage left.)

"My Wife" Man:Help me! My wife just got hit in the head with a 14-lb bowling ball!

Doc #1:What? That's just a bruise. Put alittle ice on it.

"My Wife" Man:But, but...

Doc #1:Get out of here already.

(Idiot hunter enters stage left.)

Idiot Hunter:Help me! Two wild female idiots are chasing me!

Doc #1:Of course we'll help you. Nurse, help this man.

(Cross dresser #1 enters stage right.)

Cross Dresser #1:Don't worry, we'll take very good care of him.

(Idiot Hunter screams and tries to get away. Doc #1 holds him for Cross dresser. Cross dresser drags him off stage. Assistant runs out on stage.)

Assitant:Doctor, we're going to have to operate right now!

Doc #1:I see. Let me see the patient's charts.

Assistant:But doctor, you can't read charts. You never graduated Med. School.

Doc #1:Well, this is going to be harder than I thought. Bring out the patient.

(Nurse wheels out patient, places her on table.)

Doc #1:Okay, let's begin. Scapel.

Assistant:Scapel.

Doc #1:Clamp

Assistant:Clamp

Doc #1:Chainsaw.

(Assistant walks over to left of stage and comes back with a saw.)

Assistant:Chainsaw

(Doc #1 begins to rev up chainsaw. Nurse runs out on stage.)

Nurse:Wait! Wait! Stop the operation!

(Doc #1 stops the chainsaw.)

Doc #1:Why?

Nurse:Because this woman has improper credit!

Doc #1:What?!

Nurse:She can't pay for the operation.

Doc #1,:What! Abort! Abort!

(Nurse runs off stage. Doctor and Assistant grab patient and run off stage.)