For a gift this year my wife purchased me
a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still
in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school,
I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and
made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased
with how enthusiastic I was to get
started.
DAY 1.
They suggest I keep this
"exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning
at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health
club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my
pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed
that it
was so high, but I think just standing next
to her added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya
was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.
This is going to be GREAT!
DAY 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee
to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and
push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on
it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles
feel GREAT!
DAY 3.
The only way I can brush
my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer.
I parked on top of a Volkswagon. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill
hurt my chest so
I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the
invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
DAY 4.
Tanya was waiting for
me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half
an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted
me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Igor
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.
It sank.
DAY 5.
I hate Tanya more than
any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I
would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work
on
my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don't *have* triceps.
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells.
I refuse to accept responsibility
for the damage, YOU went to sadist school,
YOU are to blame. The tread mill flung me back into a science teacher,
which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?
DAY 6.
Got Tanya's message on
my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
DAY 7.
Well, that's the week.
Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something
a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist. Sorry,
gotta go, a half-gallon of Butter Pecan is calling me.
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